Diabolik Roomies
by Rosalite
Summary: Forced to live together by Karlheinz, the Sakamaki and Mukami brothers have to deal with one another and the challenges of everyday life. Ruki & Reiji are the only sensible ones; Ayato and Kou are a duo of disaster; Yuma and Subaru can't stand each other and are always destroying stuff; and Shuu...is being Shuu. How will this match-made-in-you-know-what survive each other?
1. Prologue Part 1, Moving Meltdown

_**A/n: Well, I here I am again. Y'all know me. 4**_ _ **th**_ _time on this story._ _ **FOURTH.**_ _Or maybe only the third? I ain't even sure at this point. See, I'm a somewhat perfectionist and I am indecisive. I have trouble making up my mind. I've tried this story FOUR—or is it three?—separate times and they failed in my opinion. I really love the plot, but I have trouble copying it down on paper. So I'm trying this AGAIN. This is THE LAST time I'm redoing this story, I promise. If I don't get it this time, I'm hopeless. I'll quit this story and let someone else take it. But not before I try my hand at this thing ONE more time. Please don't hate me, please don't hate me. Give this story ANOTHER chance. It's probably gotten lot as it is, but I'm serious this time. Cross my heart. I'm trying to get this right for YOU. I want YOU to laugh and enjoy this fan fiction to the fullest. Don't worry; unlike the other four—or was it three?—times, I completely rewrote the story. I think that what was going wrong; I kept renewing the story but kept the same shitty chapters. And to prove this will be bigger and badder, I even gave the story a new title! So thus, without further ado, here is,_ Diabolik Roomies. _Please, criticize it if you must. I can take it. I'd prefer some, honestly._ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥

I didn't feel like doing a proper-proper introduction. I mean, we all know who everyone is at this point.

* * *

 _A Few Months Prior…._

"Okay, someone's got two seconds to own the fuck up," barked Yuma Mukami, storming into the foyer where his brother and a shitload of boxes were waiting.

"What is it this time, Yuuuma-kun?" sang Kou Mukami, Yuma's blond shorter but older brother. "Wait, this isn't about the tomatoes is it? I only took a few…"

"Wait, that was _you?_ " Yuma furrowed his brows at Kou. "You liar! You told me you didn't!" Being a vegetable gardener, Yuma didn't play about his tomatoes.

"What?" The other vampire blinked innocently. "It was only like….five."

"Dumbass, that was the whole damn crate! How'd you even eat all of them?"

Kou giggled. "Who said I ate them? They have other uses~"

"I bet you took my sugar cubes," spat Yuma with disgust, glaring down at Kou. "I put the container on the counter in the kitchen and they freaking disappeared."

"Hey, don't look at me like that. I didn't take it."

"Just like you didn't steal my tomatoes? Where the fuck are they, Kou?"

"I didn't take them, I swear!" Kou ducked as Yuma raised a hand to slap the holy shit out of him. "Wait, Yuma-kun! You can't hit a face like mine. You'll damage it!"

"That's the point! Now where the hell's my sugar cubes?"

"I told you, I don't have it!"

Yuma grabbed Kou by the sweater and yanked him over. "Open your mouth," he demanded. Kou started to sweat nervously, pressing his lips together. "OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH!" Hesitating, Kou slowly opened his mouth. "Now stick out your tongue," ordered Yuma, "before I grab it and yank the thing out myself."

"Okay, okay. You're scaring me…." Kou opened wide, sticking his red tongue out for Yuma to see.

"Ha! I knew it! I can see some sugar crystals glistening on your tongue! You _did_ take my cubes, you liar!"

Kou pulled away before Yuma could bop him in the forehead. "That's not sugar! It's salt!" he insisted.

"Like you expect me to believe that! That's obviously sugar! What the fuck could you possibly eat with that much salt on it before passing the fuck out? Besides, everything's already packed away. Boy, you're _so_ fucked now—"

"Enough." Ruki Mukami, the oldest and most mature of the vampire brothers, appeared. He closed his book and sighed. "Can't you two ever learn to quiet down for once? Today is an important day and we cannot afford to waste time like this." He glanced around the foyer at all of the boxes. "Is this everything?"

The household was supposed to move to a new mansion today. They had orders from the vampire king, Karlheinz, to relocate to the location of his choosing. And having saved them from hell, the Mukami brothers _always_ obeyed their savior.

Azusa, the youngest and last brother, showed himself next. "Ruki…can I have my knives now?" he asked in a monotone, "I'm desperate. Justin needs some attention." Simply put, Azusa was a masochist. He took pleasure in cutting himself and even gave his cuts names, his favorite one being Justin.

"Not until we get to the new place," replied Ruki, checking his wrist watch. Earlier, he made Azusa pack up his knife collection since the masochist had been distracted by it while he was supposed to be finishing up his packing. "It's about time to leave. We're supposed to appear at the mansion in fifteen minutes. If there's a chance Karlheinz-sama is going to be there, we do not want to keep him waiting."

"But my sugar cubes—"

"I'll buy you some more on the way there. Now come on. We don't have much time. If your rumps aren't in the limo by the time I make it outside, I'm not cooking dinner."

Yuma, Kou, and Azusa exchanged glances.

And they bolted for the door.

* * *

Reiji Sakamaki was disgusted.

The Sakamaki household was supposed to be relocating to a new mansion, but nothing was going on schedule. In fact, everything was behind schedule by at least a few hours. Wait, more like _days._ The others were do disorderly it wasn't even funny. Subaru refused to move his coffin, Ayato somehow misplaced his things already and they hadn't even left the house yet, Kanato had been locked up in his room for a few hours now, Laito was refusing to take another step in his bedroom since he'd seen a cockroach in there an hour ago, and Shuu had yet to even pack up his stuff.

The only ones who were actually honoring the schedule were Reiji and Yui Komori, the human girl the vampires' father, Karlheinz, had sent to live with them. In Reiji's opinion, it was all such a shame. A mere human could conduct herself more properly than his useless brother. Reiji was the only one who took these matters seriously. And when his brothers failed to, Reiji was always the one who had to fix their foolish problems that could've been easily avoided.

Like now, for instance. He was walking up the stairs, his extremely pervy young brother Laito following close behind. "It was huge!" the third-but-technically-the-fifth son was insisting as they came to his room.

"I don't care how big it is. You should've just killed it," said Reiji, opening the door and stepping into Laito's bedroom. His room had been packed away in boxes and should've been downstairs by now. "Okay, where is it?" asked Reiji, looking around.

Laito stayed in the doorway, refusing to venture any further in case the cockroach was crawling about. "I saw it by the windows," he said, looking around nervously.

Honestly, Reiji didn't know a single immortal that feared something as irrelevant as a cockroach. Being raised by the first wife of the Karlheinz the Vampire King, Laito had enough sense to torture, use, and murder girls, yet went running at the sight of anything the size of a quarter.

Reiji found the red bug in the windowsill and waved it through the window. "There. It's taken care of," he announced, closing the window shut so the bug wouldn't come back in and scare the living daylights out of Laito again. "Now please resume with the task at hands. I want all boxes in the foyer with the others."

"You're the best, Reiji~" sang Laito as his elder brother made his down the hall.

He stopped at Kanato's door. He rapped at it with his knuckles. "GO AWAY!" shouted a voice on the other side.

"Kanato, it's about time you come," said Reiji sternly, "we have a schedule to follow and you're disrupting the flow."

"I don't care! Teddy and I aren't going anywhere!"

Reiji sighed. Desperate times called for desperate measures. "If you cooperate now, I'll bake you a cake once we get settled into the new place."

A moment of silence passed as Kanato muttered something to Teddy. "What kind?" he tested.

"Chocolate ganache with your favorite fudge icing."

Another moment of silence passed as Kanato talked it over with Teddy.

"And I'll add raspberries on top," added Reiji, "I know Teddy likes those."

The door swung open and the fourth son appeared in the doorway. "You have a deal with Teddy and me," he said, hugging his stuffed animal close. What kind of extremely ill _centuries_ -old being would still cling to a teddy bear like an insecure child? Reiji still couldn't figure that one out. But to fair, he did look like a child anyways. And boy did he act like one. Being sugar-crazy and a highly disturbed individual, Kanato was not only mentally unstable, but very spoiled, possessive, and downright weird. Reiji didn't like being seen with him in public. Not only because of his twisted habits, but because of how wild he looked. For some odd reason Reiji had yet to know, Kanato wasn't a big fan of sleep. The huge bags under his eyes were more than proof of that.

"Yes, yes. Now please move your things downstairs," said Reiji with a sigh of defeat. "We don't have all day."

Two down, unfortunately three more to go. But alas, Reiji was used to this. He dealt with these kinds of situations every day. He visited Subaru next. The youngest Sakamaki was sitting in his room, his arms folded across his chest stubbornly. "I'm not moving it," he grunted the second Reiji appeared.

"Yes, you will." Reiji looked at Subaru sternly. Subaru didn't own that much, but his prized possession was his coffin. He slept in it between 10 to 24 hours a day and didn't like anyone messing with it.

"No, I _won't_. It's not going anywhere and neither am I," insisted Subaru aggressively, glaring at Reiji. You might be wondering: what's this one like? Reiji could sum it up for you easily: an aggressive loner and a delinquent with a passion for destroying stuff. Honestly, it was a miracle he hadn't totaled the mansion yet.

Reiji furrowed his eyebrows. "Subaru, you're acting like a child. Father said we're leaving and that's not."

"Like I care what that old fart said," snorted Subaru. See, the Sakamaki brothers didn't really have a good relationship with their father, the vampire king. Due to his lack of fatherly involvement in their lives, Reiji's brother all hated him with a passion, some more than others.

"Yes, I'm sure you don't. But I know you'll have second thoughts when Father ships you to the North Pole next," said Reiji, adjusting his glasses.

Subaru gritted his teeth. "So? I'm not afraid of him."

"I guarantee you won't be saying that when you have to sleep in the ice and snow. Just ask Shuu," said Reiji, turning to leave. "And something tells me Father won't let you bring your coffin, either." And with those words hanging in the air, Reiji made his exit. He didn't have time to stand around and argue with his foolish siblings. He had things to do.

Next stop: Ayato. Reiji should've been surprised to find a lot of Ayato's things scatted all over the floor. The redhead was rummaging through his boxes, flinging stuff over his shoulder and swearing nonstop. "Oi! What the hell? Where is it?" he fumed, "Ore-sama _needs_ it! Reiji, where is it?"

"Where is what, Ayato? And look what you did. You basically unpacked more than half of your things."

"I don't give a damn!" Ayato stomped his foot. "And I'm talking about my Magic 8 ball!"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me! Laito probably has the damned thing again," grumbled Ayato, kicking over a box. Being the oldest of the triplets (Laito, Ayato, and Kanato), Ayato was super-spoiled, mischievous, a troublemaker, and the rebel of the household (or in other words, a brat).

"Wait, so you nearly undid all of your work and created a mess for the sake of a plastic _toy_? Wait, don't answer that. I'm just gonna just pretend I never came in here."

Reiji exited Ayato's room; he didn't have the strength for him. He'd just have a familiar repack his things. But now that was somewhat taken care of, last and certainty least was Reiji's least favorite person in the world.

"What do you want?" asked Shuu as Reiji opened his bedroom door. Like always, the eldest Sakamaki son was lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling like a simple-minded fool. To be the oldest, Shuu was the sorriest excuse for a man Reiji even witnessed (with Ayato coming close in second). He didn't handle any of his responsibilities and chose to lie around like a bump on a log all day, forcing the household's affairs on Reiji. Honestly, Shuu was so lazy he probably couldn't even clip his toenails. Or even hold the clippers for that matter. All he did was sleep. The only things he was interested in was his music, eating, and sleeping. He was more useless than that little Magic-8 Ball Ayato was crazy about.

Reiji looked around. "You haven't bothered packing at all. Do you _want_ Father to ship you to the North Pole again?"

Shuu yawned. "Leave me alone. I'm busy."

"With what? The most you've even done is wipe your rump. You might not even have the decency to do that. I won't take my chances either way. That's why I don't wash my clothes with yours."

Shuu closed his eyes. "I wipe my ass, Reiji. It's not hard."

"You never know with you." Reiji narrowed his eyes. "You can't even pour a bowl of cereal properly."

Shuu didn't answer. Instead, he loud out a small snore. Well, that was over quicker than usual. Shuu must've been feeling extra lazy today. In Reiji's opinion, Shuu was a waste of flesh and blood. He had no purpose whatsoever. He was nothing more than a spineless deadbeat with—

"I knew it! I _knew_ it! What the hell are you doing with my Magic-8 Ball?" raged Ayato from downstairs.

Good gracious! What was going on now? Reiji really couldn't catch a break. After giving Shuu one more glare of disgust, Reiji went downstairs to find Ayato acting like a fool again.

"Calm down, Ayato-kun. You probably just misplaced it again and it ended up in my stuff," Laito was saying.

"What is the problem this time?" asked Reiji with a sigh, nearing them.

"Hey, guess where I found my Magic-8? In _Laito's stuff_ ," spat Ayato, "I told you he had it!"

"I don't care about your toy, Ayato. Why were you going through my boxes anyway? I don't go through your things." Laito was actually frowning for once.

"And _I_ don't take your stuff," countered Ayato.

"What are you talking about? You swipe my stuff all the time. My phone, my favorite sweater, my bath soaps, my _other_ phone—"

"Lies! Ore-sama doesn't need your petty shit!" insisted Ayato, waving around his Magic-8 ball.

"What are you talking about? You take my shit all the time!" Subaru walked into the foyer, carrying his coffin above his head. Reiji smirked to himself. Subaru could be reasoned with after all.

"What did I ever take from you? You don't have anything to begin with," Ayato fired back.

"Oh, I wonder why," said Subaru sarcastically, gently setting his coffin by itself in the corner. "I can't have nice things _because_ of you!"

"No, because you destroy everything you come across! And what of yours did Ore-sama ever take?"

"Remember that body lotion I had? It somehow disappeared and you smelt like it for a _week_!"

Ayato laughed harshly. "I can't believe this guy. He always acts so tough but here he is getting bent out of shape over some damn _lotion_."

Subaru's face burned red with embarrassment. "What? It was really nice!" he insisted through his teeth.

"Wait, are you talking about that blossom flower kind from that gift shop in the demon world? Yeah, it _did_ smell nice," agreed Laito, "but a little feminine, don't you think?"

"Exactly!" exclaimed Ayato.

"Hey now, Ayato-kun. You're not really one to talk since _you're_ the one who was walking around with it on~

Reiji cleared his throat. "I hate to interrupt this merry conversation, but we have a schedule to keep. We need to leave in a few minutes so—"

"Tch, whatever. The thing is Ore-sama doesn't take anyone else's stuff even if he does deserve it," insisted Ayato, totally interrupting Reiji like he didn't give a shit.

"Ayato, you know you're lying." Shuu was sitting at the bottom of the staircase. "I found _half_ of my clothes in your closest. _Half_."

"See. You take stuff from everyone. I bet you even steal from Bitch-chan. _Bith-channnn_! Come hereeeeee~"

Yui ran into the foyer not long after. "Yes?" she said, breathing heavily.

"Say Bitch-chan, has anything of yours gone missing lately?"

Yui's face went red. "Not what I can think of."

"Why Bitch-chan, your face is so red. Are you lying by any chance? Hehe…"

Reiji cleared his throat. "Father wanted us to arrive at the new mansion at a specific time so we should get going som—"

"There's no need to be ashamed, Bitch-chan. We just want an honest answer." Apparently, Laito didn't care what Reiji had to say either. Reiji sighed. In situations like this, it was just best to stand to the side and let them resolve their own problems because being the voice of reason was obviously a waste of breath….

"W-well…" Yui looked down at her feet. "Some of my…er….clothing has been disappearing…"

"Ha! I knew it! Ayato-kun's stealing Bitch-chan's panties~"

"What? No way! Chichinashi's panties are all unattractive. Even when they're dirty," insisted Ayato with a snort.

Yui turned bright pink. "Wh-what's wrong with you? What're you doing going through my clothes?"

"Why else? He's perverted as fuck," spat Subaru.

"C'mon, Subaru. Own up. I've seen you sneaking into Bitch-chan's room once or twice~"

"What? No, you haven't! Shut the hell up! What are you doing stalking her room anyway? And why are you talking about me? This is about Ayato and his thievery."

"Ore-sama's too good to be a thief! And you know what? You two are getting on my damn nerves. I'm just gonna kick your asses so you'll shut the fuck up already."

Subaru cracked his knuckles and grinned. "About damn time! I was getting tired of hearing you too."

Usually, Reiji didn't let them fight in the house since something always ended up severely damaged but since everything had been packed away, he didn't see any harm in letting them strangle each other. Maybe they'd end up defeating each other, putting Reiji out of his misery.

"Wait. Hold that thought." Ayato held up his trusty Magic-8 Ball. "Even though Ore-sama's the strongest of them all, let's see if it's my fortune to win. I know it will be, but still. Ellie never lets me down—"

"WAIT! Hold the fuck up!" Subaru threw his hands up. "You _named_ the damn thing?"

"It's just a piece of cheap plastic. That's even worse than Kanato," smirked Shuu.

At the mention of his name, Kanato flew out of nowhere. "DID SOMEONE JUST SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ME?!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, looking deranged as usual.

Yui winced. "Kanato, please calm down. There's no reason to—"

"SHUT UP WOMAN. I CAN YELL IF I WANT TO."

"WHY ARE YOU YELLING? YOU SOUND RETARDED!" Subaru shouted at Kanato.

"ORE-SAMA WILL KICK YOUR ASS, SUBARU!"

"BRING IT ON!"

"BITCH-CHAN, YELL WITH US. IT'S FUN~"

Okay, Reiji couldn't take this. He was going to get a migraine. " _ENOUGH!"_ he shouted. Silence fell over everyone. "I'll say this one last time," hissed Reiji, "everyone go get in the car _now_ or I'll _burn_ all of your prized possessions."

Ayato didn't budge. "Who are you to threaten—

Subaru grabbed Ayato and dragged him toward the front door. "Just come on already."

"Laito, carry me to the car," said Shuu expectantly.

"What? No way. I'll carry Bitch-chan's weight anytime though~

"Kanato, carry me to the car."

"No! Only Teddy is worthy of that treatment!"

"Yui, carry me to the car."

"What? But you look too heavy…."

"It's true, Shuuu. I saw you eat that whole box of sugar cookies yesterday~

"Shut up and just carry me already."

Reiji facepalmed as Yui actually attempted to hoist Shuu onto her shoulders. Ugh, this household was such a dysfunction. It couldn't get any worse than this….

* * *

"Ugh. It reeks of humans here. I don't like the smell of humans," grumbled Subaru, glancing out of the window as the limo cruised down their new street.

"You like the smell of Bitch-chan though~"

"Are you sure this is the right place? You know you get confused when you see read directions," said a half-asleep Shuu.

Reiji gasped, obviously offended. "I'll have you know I can read just fine, _especially_ directions. Unlike you, who doesn't even know what i-g-n-o-r-a-n-t f-o-o-l says."

"We've never lived on a residential street before," murmured Subaru, "what was the old man thinking?"

Laito clapped his hands together. "Ooh, we'll finally have neighbors. I bet they're all chicks~"

Subaru snorted, folding his arms across his chest as the limo stopped for someone backing out of their driveway. "Yeah. Chicks with _dicks_.

Laito and Ayato shivered. "I thought we weren't going to speak of that," spat Ayato.

"I can't believe I almost kissed a guy. I had nightmares about that for a week. I had to sleep in the bed with Bitch-chan until they went away. Good times, right Bitch-chan~?"

"Ore-sama doesn't really mind the humans. At least I won't have to go far for some grub." All six vampires suddenly snapped to attention at once. "Wait, is that…?" trailed off Ayato, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"Undeniably so. Their unattractive smell is hard to miss." Reiji made a hard face. "I find that suspicious. They don't live in this neighborhood."

"Guys? What's going on?" asked Yui, startled.

"Let's just say things are about to get way more interesting, Bitch-chan~"

Kanato growled. "Try not to inhale too much, Teddy. Those rats' smell might sour your senses."

"Those guys are really relentless and it's annoying…" went Shuu. "What are they doing around here anyway?"

* * *

"Wow, the place's _huge_!" said Kou, shielding his eyes from the sun as he looked up at the giant stone mansion looming over them. The Mukami household had just arrived at their new residence and the brothers were in the expansive driveway, observing their new home. " _Way_ bigger than the old place."

"I bet the garden's big too. I'll have way more space to grow those pumpkins." Yuma seemed pleased.

"I need a knife…" Azusa was too busy paying attention to his unscarred arms instead of their new dwelling place. Since Ruki made him pack away all his knifes, Azusa couldn't cut himself during the ride to the new mansion. And being a vampire, his previous scars had already healed, leaving Azusa's skin unnaturally flawless. Azusa didn't like seeing his skin like that. It was creepy.

"Once again, Karlheinz-sama has proven to be far too gracious," said Ruki, "he—" He suddenly stopped short. He and his brothers all turned in the same direction as the same scents alerted their vampire senses. "Those guys…?"

"Oi! What are _they_ doing around here? They don't live this area," snorted Yuma.

"They're with Eve. I can't wait to see her again," said Azusa. If he was excited it was hard to tell since he always spoke in that same monotone. "I wonder if she'll remember me…"

"Uh, is it just me, or are they coming _toward_ us?" asked Kou slowly.

" _Fuck_ no," murmured Yuma. They all stared as a black limousine suddenly appeared, driving through the gate and slowing inching up into the expansive driveway. It parked on the other side of the fountain and one of the doors immediately swung open.

Subaru Sakamaki was the first to get out. "What the hell are you dumbasses doing here?" he demanded, storming up the spacious stone toward them.

"Us? What the fuck are _you_ guys doing here?" countered Yuma, meeting Subaru halfway. Though Yuma was taller, Subaru was not intimidated. He and Yuma stared at each other with harder-than-steel glares.

"I don't know about you guys, but we were summoned here," said Kou with a small giggle as the others excluding Shuu got out of the limo. "You Sakamakis got the wrong place."

Ayato laughed harshly. "No, you _Mukamis_ are the confused ones. _We_ were summoned here, not you."

"What? You four?" Yui seemed surprised to see the Mukami brothers. She froze, realizing them and the Sakamakis together meant trouble. "Wh-what are you guys doing here?" She gasped when Azusa suddenly appeared in front of her.

"Hi, Eve." Azusa gave her a small smile. "Remember me?"

"Yo, back off," spat Ayato, grabbing Yui's arm and yanking her over to him. "She belongs to Ore-sama."

"Well well, I didn't think we'd all meet up like this~" said Laito with a small giggle, touching the rim of his hat. "So how's everyone doing today? Good? No? Okay, I get it~"

"I handle all of the Sakamaki affairs," announced Reiji, adjusting his glasses. "Being the only responsible one, I can confirm we were told to gather here. You four made a mistake somewhere. Of course, I'd expect nothing less from ex-humans." He glared at the Mukamis, specifically Yuma.

"Who're you looking at, Four Eyes?"

"You, obviously."

" _I_ deal with the Mukami matters and I can say we were called here too," said Ruki thinly though calmly. "You Sakamakis are the ones who made a mistake."

Kanato growled at Azusa, hugging Teddy close. "Ugh, look at that worm, Teddy. Isn't his smell repulsive?" From behind the lenses of his fashionable glasses, Kanato narrowed his eyes.

"Hi, Kanato." Although just insulted, Azusa looked indifferent. His gaze landed on Teddy in Kanato's arms. "You still hold on to that stuffed animal? It must be important to you…"

Kanato looked more than disgusted. "How dare you address Teddy like that?!" he shrieked, his eyes widening with horror.

"Oi, the other Four Eyes has something to say?" Yuma glowered at Kanato next. "You better shut up with those bags."

"You don't happen to know anything about this, do you?" Reiji hardened his stern face at Yui.

"N-no! I don't know anything about this!" stammered Yui, turning red. "You told me not to talk with the Mukamis."

"Ah, so the livestock appears in our presence once again. You should've known you wouldn't escape my fangs for long," said Ruki, turning to Yui at Ayato's side.

Ayato growled and stepped in front of his food protectively. "Sorry pal, you won't be drinking from _my_ prey. Lay a finger on her and I'll kill you."

"Not if I kill you first," snapped Yuma, rolling up his sleeves as if readying for a fight.

"Bring it on, bitch! Ore-sama's ready to kick your ass!"

"Can't we talk and sort this out like mature adults?" asked an amused Laito, appearing between Ayato and Yuma. "Unless you four are that anxious to die, that'd be your best bet."

"We're not scared of you," said Azusa slowly.

"And we're not weak either!" added a pissed Yuma.

"Geez, so loud." Everyone turned to see Shuu finally getting out of the limo. He didn't even glance at his brothers or the Mukami brothers—he walked across the driveway, sitting down on a nice patch of the lawn. He lay down on his backside, drifting off to sleep. Reiji looked away in disgust at his elder brother's laziness.

Yuma gave a mean chuckle. "Considering the NEET's on your team, we have _more_ than a fair chance against you Sakamakis. All he can do is lie around on his ass all day."

"Look, so things don't get ugly, why don't you four just be on your way?" suggested Laito with his unceasing smile, "she might be a bitch but Bitch-chan's still a lady. We wouldn't want to be un-gentlemanlike in front of her, now would we?"

"Hey, why don't we let M Neko-chan decide who should leave or stay?" Kou was just as amused as Laito. He grinned at Yui. "Her favorite group gets to stay. That's fair, right?"

"Like hell it isn't!" protested Subaru, "we have the right to be here because our old man said so! If you got a problem with that, take it up with him! He'll handle your asses."

"Once again, you Sakamakis are wrong. Karlheinz-sama was also the one who summoned us here. Being in debt to him for being our savior, we na—"

"Oh, please." Ayato rolled his eyes with revulsion.

"…we naturally obey him," finished Ruki, giving Ayato a sideway glare.

From the lawn, Shuu cleared his throat. Everyone ignored him.

"Why don't we call up the old fuck?" suggested Subaru angrily, "and see just who's telling the truth."

"Actually, that would make things worse, right Bitch-chan~"

"Karlheinz-sama is a very busy man and we will not interrupt him with this nonsense," stated Ruki firmly, "really, you should have more respect for him."

Shuu cleared his throat louder. Everyone ignored him still.

"I don't give a shit about his ancient ass!" insisted Subaru defiantly, "I just want you four out of my fucking face already!"

"Right back at you," countered Yuma, matching Subaru's tone.

Shuu cleared his throat obnoxiously loud this time.

"Unfortunately, I think Shuu has something to say," said Reiji, obviously irritated.

"Oi! Like I want to hear what the NEET has to say," snorted Yuma.

"Give him a chance to damn speak! Seriously, so selfish this guy. You've been the only one flapping your lips like a retard so _shut the_ _ **fuck**_ _up_ already and let someone else get a word in!" snapped Subaru.

"Who're you calling a retard, _retard_? And _you're_ the one who needs to shut the fuck up! Nobody's listening to your white-haired ass!" Yuma flashed two middle fingers at Subaru.

Subaru gritted his teeth and clenched a fist. _"Bitch!"_ he spat, "my hair's _silver_! What's wrong with your eyes? Are they as useless as your mouth?"

"Not as useless as your _dick_!"

" _Ooh!"_ winced Kou and Laito. "He got you, Subaru," giggled Laito.

Subaru was about to lunge at Yuma, but Reiji held him back. "Please, no fighting in the yard," he scolded lowly, "the neighbors might hear."

"Yes, Yuma. Have some self-control for once." Ruki looked just as displeased. "There's no reason to be upset. I'm sure there's just been a misunderstanding somewhere down the line…"

"There _is_ no misunderstanding," said Shuu at last in his usual monotone. Still lying on the lawn, he opened an eye. "You all are so bothersome _and_ ignorant. The old man did this on purpose. He knows we don't care for each other—"

"That's putting it lightly," snorted Subaru.

"…so he ordered for both households to gather at the same place at the same place, managing to keep both parties…" Shuu dozed off for a second and then continued, "completely in the dark until the day of confrontation, which is…." Shuu completely fell asleep, leaving his sentence unfinished.

"Dammit!" Subaru stomped his foot. "Figures the old man's up to his scheming again! Why can't he just leave us the _fuck_ alone for once?"

Laito giggled stiffly. "It seems when we actually _don't_ want that man in our lives, that's when he decides to get involved and become a nuisance."

"Well, if this is Karlheinz-sama's wish…" trailed off Ruki.

"Hold the fuck up!" Yuma whirled around, grabbing a fistful of his shorter older brother's shirt and yanking him close. "You aren't seriously suggesting we stay with these wackjobs?!"

"Yuma, you know we have no right to oppose Karlheinz-sama. We comply with his wishes even if we ourselves do not agree," was Ruki's calm response.

Yuma gritted his teeth. He looked like he wanted to protest with every fiber in his body, but didn't say a word. He let go of Ruki, pressing his lips together. "Dammit. This really bites…"

"Oh hell no! _Hell_ no. You four might act like the old man's lapdogs, but we ain't agreeing to this shit!" snarled Subaru aggressively, "I already got a set of crackheads and heaven knows I can't take another! You four take the damn house—we'll take our shit back to where we came from."

"Actually, I agree with the ex-human," announced Reiji after a sigh of defeat, "if Father really wants this…"

Ayato wasn't sticking around to hear the rest. "Ayato out!" He kissed two of his fingers and lifted them into a peace sign before turning to leave. "I'll see you bitches later—"

"Hold it, Ayato. You know we must honor Father's wishes," said Reiji slowly.

"What? Teddy and I _refuse_ to live with that worm!" Kanato recoiled in horror, pointing an accusing finger at Azusa.

Subaru was hopping mad now. "And I'll be _damned_ if I share the same _space_ as Yuma," he raged.

"Hey, we're not big fans of you Sakamakis either…" said Azusa, "besides, you go to the same school as us so you technically share a space with Yuma…."

Kou giggled. "What's wrong, Subaru-kun? Afraid I'll steal your spotlight?"

"Bitch, you better—"

"What do you think?" Ruki was suddenly turning to Yui, who'd been standing there quietly. Being put on the spot, the blond startled.

"Wha-what? You want my opinion?" she turned red.

Ruki was annoyed now. "Isn't that the only reason I'd ask?"

"Maybe you should bite her, Ruki," suggested Laito with a pervy giggle, adjusting his fedora or whatever-the-fuck you wanna call his hat. "Bitch-chan always summits when someone pleasures her with his fangs."

"Shut the hell up!" Subaru barked at his perv-ish older brother. He focused his hard glare on Ruki. "You touch her and I'll fuck you up!"

Laito was even more amused than before. "You never disappoint, Subaru. You get so defensive of Bitch-chan every time. Maybe you really _do_ like our tiny bitch."

"Hold the hell up! Chichinashi belongs to _Ore-sama_ ," insisted abnormally possessive Ayato, stomping his foot.

"You're still here? I thought you were gonna 'see us bitches later,'" snorted Yuma.

"I _was_ until you _bitches_ started claiming my shit!"

"She's not shit you piece of shit!" Apparently, Subaru was directing his anger at Ayato now.

"Good damn, will you guys just let the human answer the question?" said Shuu, apparently waking up just to say that. He was snoring away a few seconds later. Silence fell over the vampires as they all turned to stare at Yui.

Yui's cheeks splotched bright pink. "Uh…well…er…" She started to fidget, staring at her feet uncomfortably. She couldn't help but feel under pressure, especially with ten—wait, nine. Shuu fell asleep again—pairs of cold eyes staring holes into her.

"Awww, it's okay, Bitch-chan. You can give us your honest opinion. We're all friends here~"

"Don't insult me like that," hissed Yuma.

"Well, if Karlheinz-san wants this…we…don't really have a choice, right?" asked Yui slowly, looking up.

"Precisely. Unless you're curious as to what Mars looks like," half-joked Reiji after taking a quick glare at Shuu in the grass.

"Maybe I'll get to meet some lady Martians," giggled Laito, "we could make peace with them until Subaru somehow insults them and the Martians wage war against us. We'd have to fight them and they'd probably be way more vicious than polar bears, right Shuu?"

"We could keep records of our adventures on Mars," added Kou, "and we could call them _The Martian Chronicles_."

The loud chirping of a crow suddenly alerted everyone. Sure enough, a black bird was swooping down toward them. It came to a hover in front of Ruki, a note tied to its skinny leg. "It's from Karlheinz-sama," said Ruki, taking the note from the familiar and reading it aloud:

 **Dear Sakamaki and Mukami Households,  
** _Forgive my sudden awareness, but I am unable to visit you all at the new house at this time. Please accept my apologies.  
I trust you will all fair well without me. Though the merging of the two was unforeseen on your part, I expect both parties to conduct themselves properly.  
I should hope to pay you all a visit soon. Also, though the place is different, the same rule stands. The human woman is to remain alive no matter the circumstance.  
Also, no killing one another. No exceptions.  
_ _ **Sincerely, Karlheinz**_

Subaru punched a dent into the Sakamakis' limo. Ayato groaned loudly and Reiji took off his glasses, pinching his forehead. "Well, I guess that's settled," said Ruki steadily as the familiar flew away. "The Sakamakis and Mukamis will all stay under one roof. If this is what Karlheinz-sama wants, we have no right to object."

"Wait, so we're _seriously_ going through with this?" snorted Ayato, pissed.

Shuu, who was awake again, sighed tiredly. "Send me back to the north pole," he groaned, rolling over onto his side.

"I second that." It would probably bring a genuine smile to Reiji's face to see Shuu get shipped off somewhere far-far away. He pinched his forehead. "I guess since we got that settled we should start settling in. It beats standing around out here looking like fools."

"Oh no. Ore-sama is _not_ staying with these guys!"

"Oh c'mon, Ayato. It'll be fun. Or are you just afraid of sharing Bitch-chan? You're so territorial~"

"I'm sure there's more than enough room for everyone," said Ruki, taking a glance up at the mansion. "That would explain why Karlheinz-sama chose such a massive place."

"First dibs on the biggest room!" shouted Kou, bolting for the entrance.

"Hey! What the—get your blond ass back over here! _Ore-sama_ gets first dibs!" barked Ayato, charging after Kou.

"Hey guys, wait for me! C'mon, Bitch-chan~" He grabbed Yui's wrist and skipped away, dragging Yui behind him.

"Hey! No one chooses before Teddy and I!" shouted Kanato, running after them.

"Wait for me too. Justin and I don't wanna be left out…."

Subaru shoved his hands into his pockets, muttering to himself, "This sucks. I can't believe this…"

"Hey, you aren't the only one who's pissed," spat Yuma.

"Indeed. How do you think I feel?" asked Reiji, "it's already bad enough with my own brothers. Now I have to deal with you heathens."

"We Mukamis know how to adapt. I don't know about you Sakamakis, but we will adjust to this even if we detest the thought." Leaving those words hanging in the air, Ruki calmly headed for the mansion. After sending a final glare at Subaru, Yuma followed his older brother.

"My days are numbered," grumbled Subaru, watching their backsides.

"I hear you. Though I am usually not one to criticize Father's decisions, this is just preposterous," agreed Reiji, "we don't even know each other nor have the tolerance, much less live with each other. And even worse, our furniture sets will most likely clash…"

From the grass, Shuu turned up the volume on his music player. Might as well while he was ahead. He knew for a fact all of this was just a disaster waiting to happen.


	2. Prologue Part 2, Battle for the Bedroom

Kou was the first one to burst into the most spacious room upstairs. "Mine!" he called triumphantly, doing a little jig.

Ayato came in next. "No way! _Ore-sama_ chooses this room for himself," he snapped, glaring at Kou. "Ore-sama always gets first pick."

"Sorry Ayato-kun, but not today." Kou wagged a finger at Ayato teasingly. "First come, first served. I got here before you fair and square. Don't worry, there's a nice-sized one down the hall."

"I don't want that! Ore-sama gets the absolute _best_ ," insisted Ayato arrogantly, "so you can go ahead and take a hike."

"That 'Ore-sama' might work on your brothers, but not me. Not everyone is going to hand you what you want on a silver platter. That's not how life works."

"That's _exactly_ how my life works. _All_ underlings like you submit to Ore-sama. Whatever I want I _get._ You Mukamis would be wise to realize that."

Laito suddenly yanked Yui into the room. "Did we miss anything?" he asked in a creepy giggle, letting go of Yui's wrist. He looked around. "Wow, this is nice. Whose is it?"

" _Mine,"_ said Kou and Ayato simultaneously. "Kou, you better stop lying," warned Ayato, "it's _mine._ M-I-N-E. _Ore-sama's_."

"No way! _I_ got in here first. Just quit being a sore loser already."

"Oh no. Looks like you two can't agree. How about _I_ take the room instead~?"

"Get out of here," Ayato snapped at his younger.

"Yeah, it's already been decided. _I'm_ getting the room," insisted Kou with a wink.

"No, _Ore-sama_!"

"M Neko-chan! You have more sense than Ayato-kun. Isn't the rule first come, first served?"

"W-well, I guess that's how they usually decide things," stammered Yui, looking down at her feet.

"Shut up, Chichinashi. You don't know anything."

Kanato appeared next. "What are you fools doing up here?!" he demanded. He looked around. "In _my_ room."

" _Your_ room?" repeated Kou and Ayato in unison, whirling around and staring at Kanato.

"Oh, hi, Kanato-kun!" Laito gave his brother a wave. "We're not doing much. Ayato and Kou are just going at each other's throats. Nothing new~"

"And what do you mean 'your' room? What's wrong with you nutcases? This all belongs to _Ore-sama!_ Do you not know who _Ore-sama_ is? It's _me_! _Meee._ "

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Kou glanced over at Ayato. "I've already taught myself to tune you out. Nothing personal. I'm just tired of your yapping already."

"What the—what did you just say to me?" demanded Ayato.

"Wait, I thought we agreed this was _my_ room~" giggled Laito.

"Didn't I tell you to get out of here?!"

Kanato wrinkled his nose, holding his stuffed animal close. "This is Teddy's and I's room."

"You better get of here too before I burn that thing," warned Ayato, hissing at Teddy.

"Wait, I wanna get burned too." Azusa was the next to appear. "Please don't leave me out."

"Oh, I'll do more than that. I'll burn this whole m-effer down," assured Ayato with a harsh laugh, "if you all don't get out of my damn room."

"Wait, this is your room, Ayato-kun? Lucky. It's so big…Too bad I'm so slow. I want this room too. But I guess it's yours fair and square. Justin and I will have to go somewhere else…"

"Actually, Azusa-kun, this is _my_ room," corrected Kou, " _I_ claimed it first. Ayato-kun's just jealous~"

"I'm confused…"

"Like hell I'm not! Why would be jealous of you when this room belongs to _me_?"

"What are you worms talking about? Teddy and I claim this room for ourselves!"

"Oh great. Now that everyone wants it, so do Justin and me…."

"Oi, what's all the damn racket?" Yuma showed himself next. He looked around. "Whoa. This is sweet."

"And it's all _mine_ ," said Kou, pointing to himself.

"Not anymore. I'm taking this."

"Now hold the fuck up! This all belongs to _Ore-sama_!"

"But I was here first!"

"Too bad. I'm biggest, I should the biggest room," insisted Yuma.

"What should you have?" demanded Subaru, appearing next. "Shit, this place's huge. _I want it_."

"Too late. We already decided it's mine," said Yuma harshly.

"What? No we didn't!" said Kou and Ayato simultaneously.

"Oh boy. This looks like a problem…" said Azusa. "How are we going to settle this?"

"How about rock-paper-scissors?" suggested Laito playfully.

"Fool, there's too many of us. The game only goes two ways," spat Yuma.

"Nuh-huh. We could have a little tournament. We could play in pairs and everyone who wins will make it to the next round and pair up again. It can keep going like that until only two people are left," pointed out Laito.

"You children are major pains in the ass." Shuu was on the floor sitting against the wall. "It's a room. Just give it to whoever got up here first."

" _Thank you!"_ Kou threw his hands up. Everyone else ignored him and Shuu.

"I should get this room," insisted Subaru stubbornly, "nothing good ever happens to me because of you dumbasses. Plus, since I'm the one who has to put with you guys the most, this is the least I deserve."

Yuma laughed harshly. "Naïve, this guy. Open up your eyes, Subaru. You aren't in a worse position than any of us. In case you haven't noticed, I have to deal with the same nut jobs too. You and Ayato's stupid asses alone is too much, but the rest of my brothers _plus_ yours? I'm probably not gonna have any hair by the end of the damn month! _I_ deserve this shithole more than you!"

Ayato rolled his eyes dramatically. "Why are you even involved in this, Subaru? You don't need all this space. You don't have shit."

"Gee, I wonder why," said Subaru sarcastically, "and sorry for keeping it simple. I have the necessities, unlike _you._ Who _really_ needs an iron maiden in their room?" Subaru's hard gaze landed on Kou. "And you! I saw a karaoke machine downstairs. Don't lie and say that isn't yours."

"My iron maiden _is_ a necessity!" insisted Ayato stubbornly. "What if I gotta torture a bitch on short notice? _Bam!_ Convenient torture device."

"The fuck do you mean 'torture a bitch'? You know damn well you don't have any girls in your room and you're _not_ shoving Eve in there. And you're _definitely_ not pushing my ass in there. I'll fucking _destroy_ you," snapped Yuma.

"You probably wouldn't fit in there anyway," pointed out Azusa faint-heartedly, "you're too big."

"You wanna _fight_ , beast? Bring it on!" Ayato started bouncing on his toes. "We'll settle things right here and now."

"Wait, please don't fight," begged Yui, stepping forward to get in between them.

However, Laito grabbed her shoulders and pulled her over to him. "It's too late now, Bitch-chan. Why don't we just watch from here? If we're lucky, they'll get rid of each other. Two less problems for us~"

"Kick ass, Ayato," smirked Subaru as he and everyone else got out of the way, giving Yuma and Ayato some space.

"Actions speak louder than words, right? In that case, you'd have to punch me pretty damn hard," jeered Yuma, rolling up his sleeves.

"I don't have a problem with that at all," smirked Ayato. They lunged at each other at the same time. Ayato landed a punch on Yuma's face but Yuma retaliated quickly, swept out a leg and knocked Ayato off his feet. While Ayato was falling in that split second, Yuma grabbed Ayato's leg, held him high, and then slammed him onto the ground.

Yui screamed.

Before Yuma could do it again, Ayato kicked him away with his free leg. Yuma staggered back a bit and Ayato slashed him across the face with his foot. They continued to fight, both parties aggressively landing punches on and swearing at each other. They both got so desperate to win they started pulling each other's hair and tried prying their eyes out.

"Get him, Yuma-kun!" cheered Kou, clapping his hands.

"The fuck, Ayato? You should've won by now," barked Subaru.

"No! Please stop!" cried out Yui as Yuma socked Ayato in the jaw.

Shuu shook his head. "Dramatic, these guys," he said casually as if his brother and ex-friend weren't fighting to the death before his very eyes.

"Shut up! I'm just toying with him," Ayato hissed at Subaru after putting some distance between him and Yuma.

"Toying? Stop lying. You're fighting for _real_ ," said Yuma between heavy breaths, ignorant to the fact he was starting to bleed.

Ayato wasn't in a better condition. "You think so?" he scoffed, "I've been going easy on you the whole time because you're weak. But I'm getting tired of your petty punches. I'll stop playing games and show you my true strength. You'll be dead in a second!" And with those words, Ayato leapt into the air with enhanced speed.

He got halfway to Yuma before a dark blur flashed in the room. It swiped Yuma and Ayato _once_ and the two instantly dropped to the ground. Yui blinked in disbelief at the two fallen vampires. What just happened? One second Yuma and Ayato were having an all-out brawl and then within a blink of an eye they were both down.

"That's enough," announced Ruki calmly, closing his book as he landed lightly on the carpet in between Yuma's and Ayato's distorted bodies.

"Aww, it was just getting good," pouted Laito with unfaltering smile.

"Wait. That was Ruki?" asked Yui, truly astonished. "How did he do that so fast? He wasn't even here a second ago…"

"Dammit, Ruki," groaned Yuma, picking himself off the floor. He held his head. "That hurt…"

"You're….gonna regret hitting Ore-sama," growled Ayato, stiffly sitting up. He winced and held his arm. "Shit…that stings…"

"I'm disappointed. It hasn't even been an hour and you're already at each other's throats." Ruki shook his head, tucking his book underneath his arm. "Remember what Karlheinz-sama said? No killing each other. I will make sure his rule is honored."

"What's this about, anyway?" Reiji appeared by the window, his arms folded across his chest and mouth set in his usual _Reiji does not approve_ frown.

"It's the room," said Shuu half-heartedly, adjusting the earbud in his right ear. "They're fighting over it because it's the biggest."

"We wouldn't be going through this if Ayato just would've let me have it!" insisted Kou, "I got in here first but because he's so selfish he had to start a ruckus."

"Don't blame this shit on me! You know damn well this belongs to Ore-sama."

"No, it's _mine!_ I never get anything over you people!" Subaru stomped his foot.

Reiji glanced at Subaru. "Honestly, Subaru, you're the second to _last_ person who needs all this space—"

"That's what I said!" exclaimed Ayato.

"—because you hardly own anything. But again, better you have it than Shuu." Reiji shot a glare at Shuu. "That'd _really_ be a waste."

"I never said I wanted the room, Reiji," yawned Shuu, "but now that you've said something, I change my mind."

"Holy fuck, NEET! You know damn well you don't need all of this." Yuma gestured around the room. "You're just barely worthy of a coat closet, much less _this."_

"Last time I checked, I'm older than you all," reminded Shuu, his unmotivated blue eyes landing up on Yuma. "So I technically get to choose first."

"Says _who_?" demanded Yuma, "you're too lazy to choose a damn pair of socks. Who do you _really_ think you're kidding?"

"Actually, now that you've brought it to my attention, _I'm_ the one who needs this much room for my experiments. This would be perfect for my laboratory."

"Well, good damn! Does _everyone_ want this room?" snorted Yuma.

"How about we just let Eve have it?" suggested Azusa, who was paying more attention to the scars on his arm than the fight erupting between the household. "They always say women need their space…"

"Women? What about _me_?" Subaru looked so frustrated it wasn't even funny.

"Yeah! Where's my karaoke machine gonna go?" Kou blinked innocently. "And my lotion collection! And my mini-fridge? And my—"

"Shut up! We don't care about your damn mini-fridge or your other pointless shit!" exploded Subaru.

"Hmph. Then don't come running to me when you want a soda in the middle of the night…"

"Who even needs you when you can just go downstairs and get a soda from the kitchen?!" Subaru's eye twitched.

"So it's apparent that everyone wants this room, correct?" Ruki looked around at his roommates. "Then we'll just use a selection method that will give everyone a fair chance."

"We're not doing rock-paper-scissors," spat Yuma just as Laito was opening his mouth to make a suggestion.

"How about we all draw straws instead?" suggested Reiji, pushing his glasses up his nose. "It doesn't get fairer _or_ simpler than that."

"But we don't have straws," said Azusa lowly.

"Don't worry. We have an alternative," assured Ruki. He looked down at Yui. "Livestock, I need you to go downstairs and find the box that's labeled 'Yuma's snacks'."

 _A Few Minutes Later…_

Yui came back into the room, clutching a handful of thick pretzel sticks with both hands. She held them so that they all looked the same length, though Ruki had specifically told her to choose different sizes.

"Everyone will simply choose a pretzel and whoever has the longest one will get the master bedroom," explained Ruki, "we'll go one at a time."Everyone, excluding Shuu, stood around Yui.

"Go ahead, Ayato. Why don't _you_ draw since you're always insisting you need to be first?" Kou smirked at Ayato.

"I do! Just not in this situation."

"You're a hypocrite _and_ an idiot," Yuma insulted Ayato, "this is a complete game of chance. It doesn't matter _who_ goes first. You just have to make a good draw."

"Then why don't _you_ go first?" countered Ayato.

"No way in fuck."

"Good gracious. We're going to need another selecting method just to see who draws first." Reiji looked legit distressed.

"How about this: we'll go in order of height. We'll go from tallest to shortest," suggested Ruki, "and whoever's the same height draws at the same time."

Ayato smirked. "I guess that makes you first, eh Yuma?"

"Shut up," grumbled Yuma. After taking a good look at his options, Yuma drew a decent-sized stick. "Bitch," he said to Ayato before stepping out of the circle with his straw.

"That makes me next," announced Reiji. He studied the rest of the pretzels in Yui's hand. "Hmm. Let's see…" He drew a pretzel far away from where Yuma's had been. He probably should've chosen closer because his stick was small as heck. "Oh my…how unlucky…"

"I guess that means you're out of the running," smirked Yuma as Reiji joined him on the sidelines.

"Don't patronize me."

"Wait, Ruki-kun. How tall are you?" Yui glanced between the Mukami and Shuu, who was still sitting against the wall. "I think you and Shuu-san might be around the same height."

"I'm approximately one hundred-eighty centimeters," replied Ruki.

"How tall are you, Shuu-san?"

"How should I know?"

Reiji and Yuma both let out snorts of disgusts. "He's also one hundred-eighty centimeters," said Ruki, glaring at Shuu. "Honestly, what kind of simple-minded fool doesn't even have a clue of how tall he is? You're going to have to stand up so you can draw with Ruki."

Shuu sighed. "You children are so bothersome." He held out an arm. "Someone help me up then."

"No, how about you use your damn legs for once?" Yuma fired back.

"I don't feel like it."

"You need some milk for those weak-ass bones of yours, NEET."

" _Coffee's_ more like it," corrected Ayato.

"Just leave him be. At least that's one person out of the running," said Reiji distastefully.

Shuu sighed louder. "Wait. Just give me a second. I'm getting up." A few moments passed but Shuu didn't move a muscle.

"Uh, Shuu-kun? Anytime now," giggled Kou with slight irritation.

"Wait. I said give me a second."

"It isn't hard, Shuu! Just get up off your ass!" said Subaru impatiently, "don't keep the rest of us waiting."

Shuu snorted. "Why are you in such a hurry? You don't have anything to do."

"I don't mean to sound smart or anything, but we have two whole mansions to unpack," pointed out Azusa slowly, "everyone's stuff is still in boxes."

" _Exactly!_ At least _someone_ here's not entirely stupid," murmured Subaru.

"Fine, fine." Shuu slowly rose to his feet. He trudged over beside Ruki. The two of them drew a pretzel at the same time. "Are you happy now?"

"Ooh, me next! I've been waiting for this moment," said Kou, reaching out for the pretzels.

Subaru grabbed Kou's wrist. "Hold it. I'm taller than you."

"Nuh-uh, Subaru-kun. _I'm_ taller."

Reiji pinched his forehead. "Just stand back-to-back, please."

"Actually, Kou, Subaru looks taller," observed Ruki once Subaru and Kou stood with their backs against each other. "Not by much, but he is."

"Told you so." Subaru chose a pretzel and Kou did the same afterward.

It then went Ayato and Laito and then Azusa and Kanato. Once all the drawing was out of the way, it was time to compare the sizes of their sticks. Everyone held up their pretzels.

"How unfortunate. Looks like I'm out," said Reiji, noticing how his was the absolute smallest. It looked too little to even be a stick.

"Me too…" trailed off Azusa, who had second smallest. "Oh well. I didn't want the room that much anyway."

"I have the biggest," declared Ayato.

"Not so fast, Ayato-kun~" Laito held his pretzel stick up to Ayato's. "Mine is longer than yours. You're out too~"

"Ore-sama demands a redraw! You all cheated!"

"Heh. My pretzel's bigger than yours, Kou." For once, Subaru looked pleased. "Yours too, Laito."

Meanwhile, Kou looked uncharacteristically upset. "No fair. I was cheated. I should've gotten this room in the first place since I called dibs."

"Would you shut up with that already? It doesn't matter at this point," deadpanned Shuu.

"Don't worry, Kou. I'm a loser too," giggled Laito, munching on his pretzel.

"Glad you dumbasses know it," chuckled Yuma, "mines looks biggest."

"Wait, hold on." Shuu held his stick up. It was the same length as Yuma's.

"I think mine is around that length too," said Ruki, studying his own.

"So is mine," added Subaru.

Kanato burst into tears. "This was all fixed," he insisted through tears, holding up his smaller stick in his trembling fist.

"So we have a four-way tie. You're all going to have to draw from the remaining pretzels," said Reiji, annoyed. "And for the love of principality, will someone _please_ draw better than Shuu."

"I should get an extra point since these are my freakin' pretzels," insisted Yuma.

"No, Yuma. We'll have a fair redraw. Besides, I was the one who purchased the bag," reminded Ruki.

"Why are you even doing this? I thought you didn't care about the room." Subaru set his hard gaze on Ruki.

"I don't. I'm just testing my luck. If I'm fortunate enough, maybe I'll end up with it."

"There are only three left. Just enough for each of you" said Yui, holding out the pretzels to Yuma. He, Subaru, Shuu, and Ruki drew again.

"Shit!" hissed Subaru, realizing he chose smallest this time.

Yuma hadn't drawn any better. "Fuck," he grumbled after comparing his to Ruki's.

"It looks like we have the same sizes again, Shuu," said Ruki thoughtfully.

"Since we're out of pretzels, how are we going to decide who gets the room?" asked Azusa.

"Hold that thought." Reiji squinted his eyes at Ruki's and Shuu's pretzels. "I think there's a difference in size."

"Are you just saying that because you don't want me to win?" asked Shuu bluntly.

"Why don't we measure them?" suggested Laito, holding up a random green ruler.

"What the…? Did you have that on you this whole time?" Subaru eyed Laito oddly.

"That's not important."

Everyone gathered around as Reiji measured the two pretzels. "It appears Ruki's is about 5.20 inches while Shuu's is….5.25."

"Wait, how can you tell?" Ayato furrowed his eyebrows.

"Because I can read a ruler."

"You gotta be kidding me," groaned Yuma, facepalming.

"Congratulations, Shuu-kun. You're so lucky," said Azusa.

Shuu sat back down on the floor. "I don't want it. Kou can have it."

Kou perked up. "What? _Really?_ Thanks so much, Shuu-kun! You're so nice!"

"Whatever. Just leave me alone…"

"I'm gonna go get my stuff now," said Kou, skipping out of the room as he hummed loudly.

"Damn retard," mumbled Subaru.

"Well, this was a complete waste of my time," announced Reiji, "now if you'd excuse me, I have more relevant things to do."

"As do I. We all still have a lot of work to get done. By the way, I was meaning to ask you something…" Ruki and Reiji left the room deep in conversation.

"So what do we do now?" asked Subaru, slightly annoyed.

"Dibs on second largest room!" shouted Ayato, running for the door.

The others exchanged glances. And they bolted after him.


	3. Prologue Part 3, Dysfunctional Dinner

**A/n: Would you guys want Carla and Shin to join the household? By the way, I'm taking suggestions for the story. Just PM or leave a review. Thanks so much!**

 **Last part of the prologue, by the way.**

* * *

It'd been a few weeks since the Sakamaki and Mukami households merged, and let's just clarify that those few weeks had been _hell_ on earth. For one, neither Azusa of Ayato had labeled their boxes so their stuff got mixed up. And if that hadn't been enough trouble in itself, Subaru's coffin got slightly bruised in the moving process and the youngest Sakamaki unleashed fire and brimstone on the mansion. Literally, he'd nearly _burned_ the joint down just because Laito accidentally knocked over his coffin. And then to add on to everything, everyone's things got misplaced plus Ayato broke the refrigerator. _And then_ Shuu ate some of Yuma's snacks, and then it had become Yuma's turn to almost burn down the mansion. A lot of other equally insane things happened, but it was too tiring to recall them. So basically, in a nutshell, things had been chaotic.

But luckily, they'd managed to unpack half of the mansion already. And to celebrate, the vampires and Yui were having their first dinner as a single household.

"I don't understand why we even have to do this. We don't need human food," complained Subaru, storming into the dining room to join the others. He took a long, loud sniff of the air. "And what died in here?"

"We're having fish for dinner," called Ruki from the kitchen over the sound of something sizzling in the frying pan, "Azusa, how many times have I told you not to use butter knives when you cut yourself? We eat with those!"

"Sorry. Justin likes the feeling on the dull blade," apologized Azusa, retreating from kitchen not long after.

"Well, that explains why it smells like Laito's room," grumbled Subaru, plopping down onto the chair on the right of Yui's.

Laito, who was setting the table, pretended to be insulted. "Subaru! Are you saying my room smells like fish?"

"Yeah. Maybe because of all those dirty panties you keep in that shoe box." Subaru folded his arms across his chest and snorted. "Seriously, I live with a bunch of pervs."

"That smell is foul," agreed Reiji, proceeding over to the dining room window. He opened it slightly, staring blankly out at the backyard. "Can someone please explain why the broken refrigerator I _specifically_ said to throw away is standing outside in the yard? It doesn't even work."

"Forget about that! Which one of you mongrels ate my sugar cookies?!" demanded Yuma, taking a seat at the table and slamming his plate of food onto the table. "I can't find the damned things!"

"Is that my rare fourteen-hundred Spearwood collector's china?" yelped Reiji, staring at Yuma's plate. "How did you get that?" He rushed over and snatched up Yuma's plate, letting the food slide off the plate and onto the floor. "These plates are for display, not for eating on! This is just grand! It's all greasy now!" Reiji was literally panicking.

"The fuck, Four Eyes?"cursed Yuma, looking down at his food on the floor. "It's just a fucking plate! Shit, now I gotta clean this up…"

"It's your fault. I told you to wait until I served the food," said Ruki matter-of-factly, carrying a plate of fish into the dining room. "But you just _had_ to go ahead and claim your serving. Kou, turn that off. Dinner's ready."

"But it's just getting good!" whined Kou from the living room. He was sitting among the unpacked boxes watching the television. Being a hockey fan, Yuma had hooked the thing up the day they moved in. And so far, watching the TV was all he and Kou did, although they had things to unpack.

"This is nothing a little wax won't fix," Reiji reassured himself, looking quite distressed as he observed his most prized glassy collector's-edition china plate.

"That's what DVR's for, dumbass. Record that shit," called a moody Subaru.

"Can't. The DVR's full with Laito's reality shows. And besides, it wouldn't be the same."

"You watch that garbage?" asked Subaru with a snort, looking at Laito.

Laito giggled, sitting down across from Subaru "It's addicting. I like seeing everyone yell and curse at each other for no reason."

"You don't have to watch the television for that. You people do that every day," pointed out Ruki.

"Yeah, but it's sexier when women do it."

"Wait, what's sexier when women do what?" demanded Ayato, making his appearance next. He sat down at the end of the table, reaching out and swiping a roll from one of the plates.

"Ayato, no eating until everyone's here," said Ruki firmly. "Kou, don't make me come in there."

"Whatever." Ayato rolled his eyes, stuffing the roll into his mouth.

Kou walked in, sighing loudly. "Right in the middle of the best part," he whined, sitting down beside Ayato. He immediately reverted back into cheerful Kou. "Ooh, goody. I love tilapia. Let's eat~"

"Not until Reiji calms himself down and Shuu and Kanato come down," said Ruki, gesturing toward the empty seats. "We're not starting until everyone's here."

"I'm not waiting for NEET!" protested Yuma, who'd just finished cleaning up the mess and seated himself next to Laito."It's gonna take him like ten minutes to get down the fucking stairs!"

"Yes, my apologies," said Reiji, reverting back to his strict, calm self. "I got a little…distracted. He set his prized plate on the buffet table and sat down at the dinner table. "I agree with Yuma. I find it to be a complete waste of time to wait on Shuu."

"KANATO, SHUU! GET YOUR ASSES DOWN HERE!" Subaru yelled up at the ceiling. "So I can get this shit over with…"

Kanato appeared in the archway, clinging to Teddy. "What are we having for dessert?" he demanded testily.

"I made a chocolate ganache cake. Ruki made a lemon meringue pie. You can choose from either of the two," said Reiji, rearranging the decorations in the center of the table. Kanato was seated as his side a second later.

"So all we need now is Shuu-san…" said Yui.

"SHUU! WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!" shouted Subaru, "JUST SHOW YOURSELF ALREADY."

Reiji winced. "Not so loud…"

It was Yuma's turn to shout. "NEET! HURRY THE FUCK UP! GET OFF YOUR RETARDED ASS AND COME DOWN!"

"Yuma," warned Ruki, taking the seat beside. Azusa.

"I'm here." Shuu was now in the archway, looking at everyone with uninterested eyes. "Damn, you children are so annoying." And with that, he _slowly_ began dragging his feet towards the table. He took small footsteps and took a five-second break after each one. Everyone just stared blankly at him as he took another step and then paused. Took another step then paused.

Reiji pinched his forehead. "Help us all…."

"Shuu-kun! Hurry up before I miss the next episode," urged Kou.

"I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying," said Shuu sluggishly, taking a small step forward. "Don't rush me."

"What did I do to deserve this?" groaned Yuma, facepalming. "Seriously, NEET! We wanna eat already!" He casted Reiji a hard glare. "Why do we have to wait this fucker?"

"As the eldest one here, it would be improper to start a meal without him," replied Reiji, sighing in a _I wish it wasn't so_ manner.

"This is gonna take all damn night," grumbled Subaru, leaning back in his chair impatiently. "We're gonna here for a while."

"Shuu takes the title of deadbeat to a whole new level. He can't even carry his own body weight," insulted Reiji, glaring at his slow older brother.

"You children are such a pain in the ass," said the unmotivated Shuu tiredly, "you just should've let me sleep…" At this point, he was a little more than half way to the table. He took one big step and then stopped altogether.

"The fuck, NEET? Why'd you stop?!" demanded Yuma.

"I'm taking a break. The table's far…"

"The hell it isn't! What, you're like…ten feet away?" Subaru wrinkled his nose.

"If it was that big of a deal, one of you just should've carried me…" Shuu didn't move.

"You're a motherfucking immortal! Chichinashi moves faster than that!"

"What Shuu-kun needs is some encouragement," announced Kou with a giggle, "how about we give him some? He'll get over here way faster." Simultaneously, he and Laito started drumming their fists on the surface of the table.

Reiji took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Dinner hasn't even started yet and I'm already ready to burn the mansion down."

"Come on, Shuu! You're almost there! Just a few more steps~" giggled Laito.

"Yeah, Shuu-kun! Just a little bit further! You can do it! We believe in you!" cheered Kou as he and Laito started to drum faster and louder.

"Quit! You're shaking the table," barked Yuma. They didn't.

"Just get over here already! Teddy and I want our cake as soon as possible!"

Shuu sighed loudly and finally took another step.

"C'mon, Shuu! C'mon, Shuu! C'mon, Shuu! C'mon, Shuu! C'mon, Shuu!" chanted Kou and Laito rhythmically, stomping their feet in tune to their drumming.

"Such a shame. You have to talk to him like a child learning how to walk," said Reiji, shaking his head disapprovingly. "How can one _not_ execute something as simple as walking? At this point, I'm surprised he can even feed himself."

"C'mon, Shuu! C'mon, Shuu! C'mon, Shuu! C'mon, Shuu!"

With a few more steps, Shuu finally made it over to the table. But there was a problem: the only empty seat was all the way on the other end. It was on the left of Yui. Shuu didn't move.

"For fuck's sake, someone on that end better get off his ass and give his seat to NEET," growled Yuma, "he can just sit over here."

"No. I'll come over there," said Shuu, turning for the other end of the table.

Without warning, Subaru leapt up and stormed over to Shuu. He forcefully pushed him toward his seat. _"There,"_ he spat, grabbing Shuu's shoulders and pushing him down onto his chair. The second Subaru sat back down, everyone began eating.

"So how was everyone's day~?" giggled Laito as they started passing the food around.

"Shitty," grumbled Subaru, scowling at the bowl of green beans and passing it on to Yui.

"Suspenseful," giggled Kou, obviously thinking about whatever shit he'd been watching on TV.

"Busy," threw in Reiji.

"Tiring," said Shuu as Yui spooned some green beans onto his plate. He blinked down at the greens, the only thing on his plate at the moment. "More," he said shortly. Yui gave him another spoonful. "A little more." Yui piled some more beans onto his plate. "That's enough." See, Shuu was a simple being. So simple, in fact, that he didn't really do stuff for himself. So whatever dinner rolled around back when the Sakamakis lived alone with Yui, the human had always been in charge of fixing Shuu's plate since he was always too "tired" to do it himself. And although the Mukamis and Sakamakis were together now, it didn't look like that was changing. Yui reached over past Shuu, hanging the bowl of greens over to Azusa.

"Promising. I'll be able to plant my first crop in the garden," said Yuma with a faint smile, pouring half the dish of greens on his plate when it came around to him.

"My day was annoying," muttered Ayato, "for no freaking reason." He received the ball of rolls from Laito. "It's probably because—oi! Where'd all the damn bread go?" He looked around at everybody's plate. They all had a roll or two—except for Subaru, whose plate was stacked with nothing _but_ rolls. "Subaru, you got all the damn bread! Give me some!"

"Yeah, quit being greedy. Save some for the rest of us folk," frowned Kou, who came after Ayato.

"No way! I don't like the fish. I don't like the greens. I don't like the rice. Only the bread."

"That isn't an excuse to get all of it! Ore-sama likes the bread best, too!" He reached across the table for Subaru's plate, but the whitehead snatched it away while making sure none of his precious bread fell off.

"You better sit your ass back down! Don't touch my food," snapped Subaru, stuffing a quick roll into his mouth.

"Selfish, this guy. There's enough for everyone. And if you knew you were gonna get that much, why didn't you just wait for everyone to get what they wanted _then_ get the rest?" asked Yuma, stabbing some green beans with his fork.

"Not so hard, Yuma. You might scratch the plate," winced Reiji.

"Because there wasn't going to be enough left. And like _you_ can talk," countered Subaru, staring at Yuma's double—almost triple—portion. "Look at all that shit you got!"

"Language at the table," warned Ruki.

"At least I saved some for the others!"

"Here, Ayato. You can have my bread…." offered Azusa, nudging his plate forward

"Ore-sama doesn't want yours. _Subaru's_ the one who has the whole damn bowl. Hand some over, pal. Do you want to displease Ore-sama?"

"I don't give a damn! Just let me eat my bread in peace!"

"It's not all yours!"

"Ayato, just have mine. Justin and I don't mind…"

"I said I don't want it!"

"Well, you better take it or leave it 'cuz you sure aren't getting mine," spat Subaru.

"Um, if it's that big of a deal, you can just have my bread too, Ayato—"

"I don't want yours either, Chichinashi."

"Oh, c'mon! No more beans left, either?" asked Kou, whining at the sight of the other empty bowl. "Man, this bites. Being last sucks."

"Ew." Ayato stuck out his tongue in disgust. "Beans are gross. And you can thank Yuma and Shuu for that."

Shuu was slowly eating a forkful of beans. "The beans are the things that taste good. The bread's hard, so Reiji probably made it."

Reiji looked offended. "You don't know a thing about cooking."

"I don't have to. If it's hard, it's hard."

"The bread _is_ kind of hard, Reiji," said Kanato matter-of-factly, "but Teddy likes it that way so I do not fault you."

"It's fine to me," mumbled Subaru, helping himself to another bread roll.

"It's obvious _you_ like it. Now give Ore-sama some of that bread!"

"Kou, you know damn well you don't like green beans," said Yuma in between a mouthful of rice.

"No talking with food in your mouth," scolded Ruki.

"Yeah, but I need _something."_

"Here, Kou. I'm not really hungry, so you can have some of my beans and bread…"

"Thanks, Azusa-kun~"

"What about Ore-sama?! Ugh, just forget it. Ore-sama doesn't like human food that much anyway. Give me some of that fish, Laito."

"Where's the cake? Where's the cake?" demanded Kanato.

"We have to finish the main course first, Kanato." Reiji was annoyed now.

"Then all you measles better hurry up and eat! Don't keep me and Teddy waiting! Eat, measles, _eat_!"

"You need to calm the fuck down," spat Subaru after finishing another roll.

"More wine, Yuma?" giggled Kou, reaching out for one of the bottles as Yuma finished off his glass in one gulp.

"Tch, screw wine. I need a fucking beer."

"You? I need _two_ ," snorted Subaru. "You think you're screwed up. You don't even compare to me."

"It's not a competition," frowned Ruki.

Reiji sighed loudly. "I understand that we're still not used to each other yet, but can we at least try to have a normal conversation at the dinner table for the sake of formalities? You can go at each other's throats all you want _after_ dinner." Murmurs drifted around the table.

"Ooh, I'll start us off," volunteered Kou, "so what's everyone doing this weekend?"

"Teddy and I are going to the candy shop that just opened in town last week," informed Kanato, dabbing Teddy's face with a napkin.

"And by all means, please don't burn it down this time," deadpanned Reiji.

"I'm gonna watch the hockey playoffs," said Yuma, gulping down half his glass of wine. "We're going against Canada. We're probably gonna get our ass kicked, but anything's possible. Oh, and I'm going to finish planning the vegetable garden."

"I'm going with Ruki-kun to the library," said Yui cheerfully.

"I'm going out with the girls. We're gonna see a movie," said Kou.

"Damn idol," grumbled Subaru.

"I'm going to make Justin some friends."

"I'm going with Bitch-chan and Ruki to the library. I wanna see what kind of _exciting_ manga I can find~" Laito was most likely referring to hentai.

"Ore-sama's gonna shoot some hoops."

Subaru snorted. "I'm sleeping in. Maybe I'll be able to get some decent sleep with most of you out of the house."

"I'm….sleeping….in too," said Shuu, who was already dozing on and off.

Reiji frowned at Shuu's composure. "Honestly, Shuu, can you at least control yourself at the dinner table? How impolite. It's considered extremely rude to fall asleep while sitting amongst other at a meal."

At this point, Shuu was completely asleep. He fell forward, his head dropping face-flat into his plate of food. He started snoring obnoxiously loud, sucking up a few green beans in the process

"Oh, good heavens." Reiji facepalmed.

"Wake the fuck up, NEET. You're not _that_ tired."

"Shuu-san. Shuu-san, please wake up," said Yui, gently nudging Shuu.

Shuu awoke with a snort. "What?" he said, slowly coming back to reality as he lifted his head His face was covered with his food.

"You have a little something on your face, Shuu," giggled Laito.

"I don't….care…" Shuu leaned back in his chair, letting his head fall back as he drifted off into another noisy slumber.

"Okay, moving on," announced Yuma, glaring at Shuu.

Dinner continued like that—Ayato complaining about Subaru and the bread, Yuma swearing and stuffing his face, Kanato demanding dessert, Reiji scolding everyone, and Shuu not giving a fuck. Once everyone was finished with the main course, it was time to clean the table for dessert.

While mostly everyone took their dirty dishes to the kitchen, Ayato remained where he was.

"Get your lazy ass up and help out," Yuma snapped at Ayato.

"No way. Ore-sama doesn't do common work," insisted Ayato arrogantly, leaning back in his chair.

Reiji, who was coming out of the kitchen with the chocolate cake, furrowed his brows. "No dessert for you then."

Ayato shot up. "What? No fair!"

"It's totally fair. If you don't help, you don't get shit. Simple as that." Yuma gave Ayato a long, cold stare. "You Sakamakis really are spoiled brats. You get up too, NEET."

Shuu yawned. "You don't tell me what to do. Plus, I don't care about dessert. Besides, the human already took care of my dishes."

Grumbling, Ayato pushed back from the table and stormed into the kitchen with his dirty dishes. After a quick argument in the kitchen, everyone reconvened in the dining room for dessert. Kanato was unnaturally excited. For real—he was bouncing up and down on his toes. Reiji barely had enough elbow room to cut the cake, Kanato was standing that close.

Shuu, Ruki, Subaru, and Yui had the pie while everyone else got a slice of cake. Kanato was the first to get cake—he was happy with that. That was, until he noticed something.

"Why is _his_ piece bigger than mine?" he hissed, pointing his fork at Yuma's plate.

"Because I deserve, that's why. And didn't you have some cookies before dinner? You don't need _that_ much sugar. You're gonna fuck up your heart."

"You can have my piece, Kanato," offered Azusa, "the cake's too rich for me…"

"What? No! Don't give the Sakamaki your stuff," snapped Yuma, "it's yours."

"But I don't want it…"

"Then _I'll_ eat it." Without warning, Yuma watched over, grabbed Azusa's piece, and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth. Kanato's eyes grew unnaturally huge.

"You _worm_!" he shouted maniacally, "that was my piece! _Mine_!"

"Oh, grew the hell up. Azusa didn't want it, so I ate it. It wasn't yours."

Kanato held up his fork. "I'll kill you!" he shouted crazily, readying to lunge.

"Bring it on, bastard."

"Hold it, Kanato. I'll just give you an extra piece," said Reiji tiredly. "I can't have you killing anyone. The blood will certainly ruin the carpet…"

"Gee. Thanks, Four Eyes," snorted Yuma sarcastically.

"Wait, Ore-sama should get another piece too!" insisted Ayato, "if Kanato's getting more."

"You've already had three pieces, Ayato. At this point, you should be close to falling the fuck out," said Subaru, who seemed to be enjoying his pie.

"Ore-sama doesn't care! I want more."

"You know what I want you to do?" said Shuu, looking at Ayato with a frown. "To shut the hell up already.

"What did you just say to Ore-sama?!"

And they all got into another argument.

* * *

"How about we make a toast?" suggested Kou after they finished dessert, "and finish the night off with a bang?"

"Ooh, I'm up for that~"

"I'm not talking about a real bang, Laito. I'd be up for that too, though~"

Ruki nodded. "Why not?"

"The hell are we supposed to drink to? Nothing's good happened," snorted Subaru, "we've been unfortunate as fuck."

"That's putting it lightly," grumbled Ayato at the same time Yuma was murmuring, "Who are you telling?"

"I don't think so," spoke up Yui thoughtfully. All eyes landed on her. "W-well, for one, we're all alive and well, right? We have a nice place to stay, we're surrounded by family and friends—"

"Hold on for a minute, Chichinashi! We Mukamis and Sakamakis are _not_ friends."

Yui smiled. "I'd like to think so."

"We're rivals, Bitch-chan. And rivals certainly aren't friends~"

Yui shook her head. "Rivals _can_ be friends. You can be competitive yet friendly at the same time. It's completely normal."

"For humans, maybe," grunted Subaru, "I don't like them. I'm not their friend."

"But you can all put aside your differences and be civil to each other, right?"

The others murmured in return. "I actually don't mind the Sakamakis," admitted Azusa, "though Ayato is annoying…"

"Hey! Ore-sama heard that!"

"For the most part, I can tolerate you Sakamakis as well," agreed Ruki, "but I tend to dislike Ayato at times."

"I have to agree," nodded Reiji, walking back into the dining room with a tray of glasses and a bottle of champagne.

"Ore-sama's standing right here!"

"To be honest, I don't like _any_ of you," grumbled Subaru.

"But you like me, Subaru-kun~"

"I _especially_ hate you," retorted Subaru, glaring at Kou.

"Awww. I feel so special now~"

"I don't like living with you Sakamakis, either. I'm _already_ losing my mind," snapped Yuma.

After filling up all the glasses with champagne, Reiji raised his glass. "Then how about a toast to our sanities?" he suggested, "while we still have them."

The others seconded their agreements, taking a glass and raising it as well. "Might as well drink to it while we still can," smirked Yuma as everyone clinked their glasses. He gulped down his champagne in two gulps.

Subaru's was gone in one. "Man, fuck champagne," he mumbled to himself, "I need something stronger. Give me some more, Reiji."

"Me too." Shuu held up his glass.

"Oh, you're too lazy to walk, but not to drink? You're one twisted guy, NEET. You Sakamakis are retarded as fuck. Quick, pour me some more too before I get a headache."

"You want a little bit more too, Bitch-chan~?"

Yui's glass was still full. She'd only taken a sip and her eyes were already watering. "No thank you. It's…a bit strong."

"I'm starting to get dizzy…" said Azusa.

"How are you getting drunk already? You've only drunk half the glass," pointed out Shuu.

"It doesn't take much for me."

"Well, it takes a whole lot more for me," snorted Yuma, having his fourth glass. "This is the only way I can ever get relief from you nutcases."

"Then I guess you'll be drunk a lot," smirked Subaru, "cuz it's only gonna get worse from here."

* * *

 **Hehe. In the future, I'm gonna do a chapter when all the boys get drunk~**


	4. Reiji's Ten Commandments

**A/n: Guys, I'm crying. Legit, I'm tearing up right now. Yesterday, I discovered the More Blood anime dub. I'd actually been keeping track of the anime since it came out in 2015 to see when the dub would be announced and released but I got tired of waiting and forgot about it. But yesterday, I was watching some More Blood subtitled clips on Youtube, and a clip from the** _ **dubbed**_ **version appeared on my suggestion panel. Dude, I got** _ **so**_ **excited. I didn't think the dub would come out until 2018, but it turns out it was released in March. But anyway, I clicked on the clip (it was the Mukami dinner scene) and all I gotta say is** _ **whoa.**_ **I did NOT expect that. I think Azusa's voice is flawless. It's so fainthearted and low, just as I imagined. Not gonna lie, I like Kou's voice, but I thought he'd sound more like Ruki or Todd Haberkorn. But eh, it's cool, it's cool. Now, I thought Ruki would sound a bit more like Reiji, but his voice is actually petty fly and less uptight as I thought. Now. For Yuma, all I gotta say is what the** _ **fuck. What the**_ **actual fuck** _ **?!**_ **The HELL did they do? I nearly flipped my shit when I heard Yuma speak. He legit sounds like a true-blue brute. I mean, I knew his voice was supposed to be the deepest but** _ **SERIOUSLY?**_ **That's** _ **too**_ **deep! Not gonna lie again, I actually grew to like his voice after I watched that episode about him, Yui, and Shuu. His voice is so weird and funny! I mean, his voice actually sounds right when** **he's talking normal but when he's shouting, I'm just like "wtf". Karlheinz's voice is weird, too. The dub is just weird in general. I'm still looking for the first episode so I can hear Carla and Shin. #RIP**

 **Whenever I write characters, I can always hear their voice. Like, when I write Lucy Heartfilia, I can hear Lucy Heartfilia. When I write the Sakamaki bros, I hear the Sakamaki bros' English voices. Since I didn't know how the Mukamis sounded for the longest, I just gave them default voices—that is, I always imagined them with voices I thought best suited them. But now that I've** _ **actually**_ **heard their canon English voices? The game has changed. It's gonna be a little difficult for me to get accustomed to writing them now that I know how they really sound. I won't be able to write Yuma without cracking a grin.**

 **And apparently, I've been mispronouncing Kou's and Azusa's names. I thought Kou was said as** _ **kuuu.**_ **You know, like** _ **moo**_ **except with a** _ **K**_ **. But no, it's actually pronounced as** _ **ko.**_ **Like the abbreviation of company,** _ **co.**_ **And with Azusa, I thought it was said as** _ **A**_ **zusa, the first** _ **A**_ **being long like the** _ **A**_ **in** _ **ate. A**_ **-zu-sa. But it's actually the short** _ **a**_ **like in** _ **apple.**_ **It's apparently said as** _ **ah**_ **-zu-sa. #triggered** ಠ益ಠ

 **I found a few more MB dubbed clips on Youtube, and I have to admit that I'm** _ **shocked.**_ **Just…** _ **whoa.**_ **What's the damn age rating on the double? (I mean, it might as well be rated M since it sounds like someone's doing Yui every time he sucks her blood). Usually, the English doubles are always more mild than the Japanese counterparts. But not with More Blood. I think the double is actually** _ **more**_ **vulgar than the subtitled. I've watched quite a few dubs in my day, and I've** _ **never**_ **heard them carry the F-word into the English version. Not even the word** _ **shit**_ **! Usually, they just roll with** _ **hell**_ **or** _ **damn**_ **or** _ **ass**_ **and wave away all the harsher words. But not with English More Blood. Subaru said the** _ **F-word.**_ **Yes, I knew he did it all the time in the game and Japanese versions, but he actually said the** _ **F-word**_ **in** _ **English.**_ **Yuma's bad language was carried into the dub too—he said** _ **shit**_ **and everything. I've** _ **ne**_ **ver** **heard** _ **shit**_ **in a dub. NEVER. At first, I thought I was getting a little carried away with Yuma's and Subaru's language in my story, but it turns out they're legit true-blue cursers no matter what universe, plot, or language.**

 **That, and I also noticed they carried the Japanese honorifics into the dub as well. Usually, in other dubs, they take away the Japanese honorific and just use English honorifics like "miss" or "mister" or "sir" or "ma'am" or just the name without any kind of respectful honorific all together.**

 **But anyway, here's a new chapter. Well, new-ish chapter. This is one of the MANY chapters I've had planned from the begging of the year and late last year. Hope you like ^.^**

 **(I knew you guys wanted to see the guys drunk, but I'm saving that for a future chapter).**

* * *

 _Present Day_

Simply put, Reiji Sakamaki was disgusted. _Again._

In such an unruly household such as this, it didn't take much, really. And every day, Reiji found his patience growing thinner and thinner. It was a miracle he hadn't lost his mind yet. His brothers along with the Mukami brothers, specifically Yuma and Kou, were a disastrous combination. Disastrous _and_ disgusting.

In fact, at the very moment, Reiji was staring at a big chunk of dirt on the refrigerator handles. He already knew who was behind the mess: _Yuma._ Yuma was constantly in and out of the refrigerator, and it didn't help he was always coming from the garden. He never washed his hands from dealing with the soil so whenever he came into the kitchen, he tracked dirt anywhere. Specifically the handles on the refrigerator. Honestly, this was the fourth time this week and it was only Tuesday. Muttering to himself, Reiji got some paper towels and disinfectant. After wiping everything down, Reiji washed his hands and carried himself into the living room to find more disappointments.

Shuu was lying on the couch as normal, staring up at the ceiling with dull, empty eyes. Reiji scowled at him. The deadbeat was an unappealing waste of space. For the three and a half months the Sakamakis and Mukamis had been living in the mansion, Reiji had seen no one but Shuu on the long leather couch. Morning, afternoon, evening, night. He lay there 24/7. He rarely used his own room. That wasn't the only thing bothering Reiji; Ayato and Kou had just run into the living room. That wasn't a problem. But what _was_ a problem was the fact they turned on the blaring television. The second the screen lit on, the thing blasted a cartoon at the highest possible volume. Honestly, it was turned up so high Reiji could feel the room _vibrating_.

"Turn that down, please," he said loudly.

Ayato and Kou, who apparently hadn't heard him, kept staring at the TV as if they hadn't even noticed he was there. Grumbling to himself, Reiji went back into the kitchen. Why did he even bother with these fools? They didn't have respect for him or his word in the slightest. He found Subaru eating some sugar cookies—which were no doubt Yuma's—by the window. Crumbs and sugar crystals were clinging on to his shirt and even more were scattered on the floor at his feet.

Reiji sighed deeply. "Subaru, what did we talk about?" he asked firmly, "honestly, look at that mess. Why can't you eat without making one?"

Subaru simply snorted, finishing the last cookie. "Whatever," he grumbled, brushing himself off and starting for the back door.

"Wait, where are you going? Come back and clean up this mess."

"I don't feel like it."

Reiji's eye twitched. "You don't feel like cleaning up your own mess? Just who do you think you are? The rules clearly state—"

"What rules?" interrupted Subaru with a harsh stare, "there aren't any rules. And even if there were, I sure as fuck wouldn't follow them." And with that, he stepped outside, slamming the door shut behind him.

Reiji glowered. How rude. Though, Subaru _did_ make a point. Though they'd been all living together for a few months, no one had bothered establish rules for the household. Well, not publicly. Reiji had figured everyone would just abide by the unspoken code of decency—but he was wrong, apparently. If his brothers and roommates weren't smart or decent enough to make orderly decisions, Reiji would just to have to do something about it.

* * *

"What's this about?" demanded Ayato, storming into the kitchen with Yui not far behind. The rest of the household was waiting for him (and boy, did Yuma and Subaru not look too happy).

"Ah. Welcome, Ayato. Please, make yourself comfortable," said Reiji, cracking a small _I'm so clever_ grin.

Giving Reiji a suspicious glare, Ayato took a seat at the island with Laito and Kou. Yui stayed by the doorway, where Ruki was shoulder-leaning against the trimming.

"Thank you all for coming," announced Reiji, pushing his glasses up. "I've noticed that all of your recent behavior has been… _trifling_ —that's a mild way of putting it—so I decided to take matters into my own hand. I've created some basic guidelines that we will all be required to follow while living with each other."

He stepped aside, revealing a neat poster plastered to the wall. "May I present to you, _**Reiji's Ten Commandments.**_ "

Ayato stood up. "Okay, that was fun. Now I got places to be—"

"Sit back down, Ayato. I'm not finished yet. You may leave once I explain each commandment."

"Commandments? I thought you said they were basic guidelines," spat Subaru, "and if they're for the whole household, what the hell makes them _yours_?"

"Because I am the genius who came up with them. Anymore questions before we begin?"

Silence.

"Good. Now, let's start with at the bottom of the list…"

 **10\. Thou shalt wash thy hands before going into the kitchen**

Reiji glared at Yuma. "There have been countless times when you've come straight from the garden to open the refrigerator. And there have been just as many countless times I've had to wipe the dirt off the handles. Cleaning up after you is getting bothersome."

"How do you know that's me? Ayato's got all kinds of shit on his hands."

"Don't talk about Ore-sama like that! Ore-sama's hands are _pure!_ "

"Mine are far from that~" Laito grinned slyly.

"Moving on," announced Reiji before Laito could go full-fledge perv or another argument erupted.

 **9\. Thou shalt not watch the television higher than six**

" _Six?_ " repeated Kou, his mouth dropped open. "You can barely hear it on six!"

"Yeah. When I watch hockey, how the fuck am I supposed to hear the commentary?" Yuma frowned deeply.

Reiji sighed, adjusting his glasses. "In the past when you watched the television, I know for a fact the people outside could hear it. You always turn it up so loud, I'm incapable of hearing myself think."

"We _have_ to turn it up that loud so we won't hear Shuu snoring," snapped Ayato, slurping his smoothie loudly.

Reiji's eyes lit up behind his glasses. "Oh, speaking of the deadbeat, that brings us to the next rule…"

 **8\. Thou shalt not idly lie around outside thy room**

"If you just _have_ to lie around like a bump on a log, do it behind your own closed door, so I won't have to see you uselessly taking up space all day." Though he didn't say any names specifically, Reiji was obviously addressing Shuu.

Shuu, who was sitting on the floor against the wall, just yawned. "Whatever…"

 **7\. Thou shalt not chew with thy mouth open**

" _Yuma_ ," chorused Ayato and Subaru accusingly. "You're the only one out of us who eats human food like a barbarian," insulted Subaru, folding his arms across his chest.

"Shut up."

 **6\. Thou shalt not eat out of the good china on casual occasions**

"Reiji, no one gives a fuck about your dishes." Subaru rolled his eyes at the ceiling. "None of us touch them anyway."

Reiji ignored him and continued.

 **5\. Thou shalt not swear around Reiji or houseguests**

" _Kiss my ass_!" retorted Ayato, Yuma, _and_ Subaru defiantly and simultaneously. "You can't tell Ore-sama what to say!" insisted Ayato stubbornly.

"I'm not. I'm just telling you what _not_ to say."

"You can't fault us for cussing, Reiji. That's a way of relieving stress. And when you're basically living in a crack house surrounded by retards, you get stressed _a lot_ ," growled Subaru.

"Yeah, why do you think his hair's already white?" joked Laito.

Subaru glared at Laito. "Because I was _born_ this way, maybe? Also, my hair ain't white, bitch. It's silver."

"That was only supposed to be a joke…"

"Your hair looks white to me," mused Kou, his eyes locking on Subaru's head.

"That's why you should take up a few hobbies," suggested Reiji knowingly, "so your first instinct won't be to use vulgar language all the time. I'm getting wearisome of hearing all of your… _colorful_ language and it's time you calm down. If you must, you can describe your anger and frustration in other words, not the foul ones."

"But where's the fun in that? I onlycuss _because_ it's foul," sneered Subaru. "You can't just take away our freedom of speech. I'm gonna motherfucking swear whether you hate it or don't give a damn."

Reiji kept his patient look. "We'll see."

 **4\. Thou shalt stay quiet between 6-7pm on weekdays, 8-9pm on weekends**

Without warning, Subaru swept the coffee maker off the counter, and the whole thing broke the second it made contact with the kitchen floor. "How's that for quiet?" he snapped.

From the doorway, Ruki groaned and facepalmed. Poor Ruki. He liked his coffee. But now that the machine was totaled, he wouldn't be getting some anytime soon.

Again, Reiji did not flinch. "That was quite unruly of you, Subaru. You're paying for that by the way."

"I'm not gonna sit around like a kid on time out for you and your selfish needs," snorted Yuma, sitting down on the barstool as munched on his sugar cubes. "Last time I checked, _I_ have to deal with the same idiots you do and I ain't going around trying to get them to follow my rules."

"Yes, well, look at my standards compared to yours," countered Reiji, a vein bulging in his forehead.

"What's that supposed to mean?! Are you trying to pick a fight with me, Sakamaki?"

"Fight, fight, fight!" chanted Ayato and Kou, stomping their feet.

Reiji sighed. "This is _exactly_ why I established that rule. All of us have far-too-different personalities and when they clash, disaster _always_ follows. And to be honest, it wouldn't kill you all to be quiet once in a while. It's just a measly hour. You'll have the rest of the day to bicker amongst yourselves."

"And what about you? You do just as much nagging as the next person," pointed out Ayato defensively.

"I beg your pardon?" scoffed Reiji, narrowing his eyes at Ayato.

"Yeah. You're always on our case about small shit," agreed Yuma. And then mimicking Reiji's voice, he went, "Don't put your feet on the couch, don't wear your shoes in the parlor, don't touch my good china or I'll skin you alive."

"That's because regardless of your age, you all need some serious supervision. Even the human is more civil than all of you. And Subaru, thanks to your… _stunt,_ I cannot stress this next commandment enough…"

 **3\. Thou shalt not break anything of value, which is basically everything**

"Well, good damn! We basically can't do anything anymore," complained Subaru, throwing his hands up. "I don't see what's wrong with breaking shit. That's also how I relive stress. Besides, they always end up fixed the next day."

"I wonder _why_ ," said Reiji sarcastically, giving Subaru the deep frown he usually saved for Shuu. _"I'm_ the one who replaces everything you barbarians break. _I'm_ the one who has to suffer a headache for your own foolishness."

Kou shrugged. "Maybe this rule is a good one. At least I won't have to wake up to a broken door every other day."

"And maybe _I_ won't have to replace my phone." Laito was staring directly at Subaru.

"Hey, _you're_ the one who always has your ringtone obnoxiously loud!" snapped Subaru defensively, "and since my room is right beside yours, I don't wanna hear that shit all night. Besides, I'm not the only one who destroys crap." He shot a hate glare at Yuma.

"Hey, back the fuck off, man," countered the tall blonde, popping another sugar cube into his mouth. "You know how it is.

"I only broke the parlor window because Teddy didn't like the drapes."

"And Ore-sama only tore up the bathroom that time because there wasn't any hot damn water! And Ore-sama _needs_ his hot water."

"You're going to _be_ in hot water if you do that again." Reiji looked at Ayato firmly. "The same goes for all of you. And that brings us to the second commandment."

 **2\. If thou maketh a mess, clean it up. If thou take it off, hang it up. If it's not thine, ask before you use it. If thou drop it, pick it up. If thou take it out, put it back up.**

"Hold the fuck up! That's like… _five_ commandments right there!" Ayato looked perplexed and annoyed.

"I know, but since they're all related, I figured I'd cram them into one," replied Reiji, obviously pleased with himself. "If you ask me, they're the most basic house rules, especially when sharing a living space with others. And honestly, I believe we _all_ can benefit from the second commandment."

"Actually, I got no beef with it," piped up Yuma, opening a soda. "I'm tired of all of you eating my shit without asking."

"Oh, give me a damn break." Subaru rolled his eyes like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "If you cared that much, you'd hide your shit better. You always put it in the same spot. And I'll prove it." He stormed across the kitchen, reaching for something on top of the refrigerator. He took down a decorative box and opened it. " _See_. They're there every time without fail!" snapped Subaru, opening the box and helping him to one of the cookies inside.

"Hey, bastard, you better get your dirty-ass hand out of my motherfucking cookies," warned Yuma, rising to his feet threateningly.

"Make me, bitch! _Make me!_ " laughed Subaru menacingly, sticking another sugar-sprinkled cookie into his mouth.

Yuma rolled up his sleeves, gritting his teeth with a vein bulging in his forehead. "I'm gonna send you to hell and _back!_ "

Before he and Subaru could start Round #56 of Subaru vs. Yuma, Ruki suddenly appeared between them. Moving quickly, he swiped the box of cookies out of Subaru's grasp. "We'll have none of that, please," he said calmly, handing Yuma his cookies. "And I agree with Reiji—you all need to learn to respect each other. Maybe then we'll become a normal household instead of a diverse dysfunction."

"Respect? Ore-sama doesn't know the meaning of the word," insisted Ayato arrogantly, pounding on his chest.

"I'll believe it." Ruki facepalmed.

"And while we're speaking of respect, I'll go ahead and introduce the final and most important commandment," announced Reiji.

 **1\. Thou shalt ultimately respect Reiji, embarrass him not in public, or criticize his passions and hobbies. Thou shalt also properly conduct thyself around Reiji at all times.**

"Ayato out!" Ayato kissed two of his fingers and lifted them into a peace sign. "I'll see you bitches later. I'm moving out." He started out of the kitchen, but Reiji seized him by the back of his collar.

"No one is going anywhere, Ayato," he assured calmly. "You as well as everyone else will obey the commandments as they are stated."

"This is a bunch of bogus. We're not kids, Reiji," spat Subaru, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Well, Ayato and Kanato maybe—"

"Hey, _you're_ the youngest!" countered Ayato.

"This is some legit bullshit right here," insisted Yuma, standing up. "You don't care about the way we act and treat each other. You basically just want us to treat you like some kind of king."

Kanato, who'd been quiet for the most part, cleared his throat. "I only treat _Teddy_ like a king. And no one else."

"I'm not telling you to worship me. Just respect me."

"Tch, Ore-sama doesn't have to do _anything,"_ insisted Ayato stubbornly, stomping a foot. "If anything, _Ore-sama's_ the one who should be respected, not you."

Reiji arched a brow. "On the contrary. _I'm_ the one who has to deal with all the household's affairs. _I'm_ the one who has to deal with that burden and none of you choose to acknowledge that. Thus—"

"Hey, you don't do _everything._ Being the eldest Mukami, Ruki has to deal with that kind of stuff, too," pointed out Laito with a sly giggle, "we don't respect him and _he's_ not complaining."

Ruki's face was indifferent. "He's right. They don't."

"Well, I'm not asking Ruki to obey the commandments. Besides, at least his brothers actual respect him. I can't get any from them or my own brothers."

"I respect you, Reiji-san."

"Only because you're a human. You don't have a choice. That's why I'm not giving the others a choice."

"Oh, I got a damn choice alright. You're not making me do anything," assured Subaru defiantly.

"We'll see. Just know that whenever the rules are broken, consequences _always_ follow."

oOo

 _Not That Long Later….._

"Would you like another piece of cake, Teddy?" Kanato delicately sliced off another section of the vanilla cake, putting it on a glassy and glossy saucer and offering it to Teddy, who sat on the counter beside him. Teddy stared at him motionlessly. "Okay, that means more for me," announced Kanato happily, helping himself to the cake slice. The two were in the kitchen, where they were enjoying some delicious cake Ruki had made earlier in the week.

Humming cheerfully to himself, he ate the entire slice—and then another. Kanato loved cake. Cake was good. Cake was divine! Cake was his world—next to Teddy. He loved all kinds of cake. Especially the ones with the edible chocolate decorations on them. They were pretty and—

"Kanato, what do you think you're doing?" demanded Reiji, appearing in the doorway.

All joy Kanato once had was stripped away from him at the very instant. He turned around in his seat, scowling at Reiji. "What does it look like? Teddy and I are _trying_ to have cake in peace."

Reiji's eyes narrowed at the counter, specifically the chinaware Kanato was using. "Is that the china from the cupboard over the microwave?" he demanded.

"So what if it is?" snapped Kanato in return. Reiji was at his side the next instant. Without warning, he was snatching the plate of cake. "What are you doing?" shrieked Kanato as Reiji appeared at the sink next. _"Stop!"_

"Number six, Kanato," said Reiji icily, holding the plate over the sink. "This is the good china."

Kanato's eyes became saucers. "I don't give a damn about your plates!" he shouted, jumping to his feet. "Just give me back my cake!"

But it was too late. Reiji was already tilting the plate, allowing the cake to spill off directly into the garbage disposer. And with that, he turned on the garbage disposer and Kanato screamed as the cake was chopped up into a million pieces inside the sink.

"You beast!" he shouted.

"Obey the commandments, Kanato," said Reiji firmly, "otherwise, there _will_ be consequences far worse than this."

oOo

That same afternoon, Yuma plopped down heavily onto the couch in the living room, turning on the television. It blasted a dumbass cartoon at him instantly. "Ugh, Ayato and Kou were watching this dumb shit again," he grumbled, flipping to another channel. In the corner, Kanato was sobbing into his hands uncontrollably. "Could you keep it down? I'm trying to watch TV," grunted Yuma, changing to the sports channel.

Kanato just sobbed harder.

"What's his deal?" muttered Yuma, turning the TV up a few notches. From the kitchen, Reiji cleared his throat loudly. Yuma ignored his ass and pulled up the guide of the day's TV schedules. "Where's damn hockey?" he swore, "it's supposed to be on by now! NEET, what damn time is it?"

"The hell if I know," yawned Shuu from the other couch.

"Thirty-five minutes after one," called Ruki from somewhere upstairs.

"Oh. The game's not coming on until four," realized Yuma, checking the schedule. He calmed down. "Good. We were about to have some problems."

"We _always_ have problems," said Shuu, half-asleep.

 _Not Long Later…_

Yuma burst into the kitchen via the backdoor. He'd been so engulfed in his gardening, he'd almost lost track of the time. A little longer and he would've missed the big hockey game. He grabbed a liter of soda from the fridge, a big bag of chips, and walked into the living room to—

"What the _fuck_?!" he swore, freezing in his tracks. He stared at the living room in disbelief. There was a big empty space where the flat screen used to be against the wall. "Where's the damn TV?" he shouted. He set his hard gaze down on Shuu, who was still on the couch. "Where's the damn TV?"

"Reiji," said Shuu shortly.

Yuma gritted his teeth. Of fucking course. He burst into the office, where Reiji was already waiting for him at the desk. "I've been expecting you," he said flatly.

"Where's the TV?" demanded Yuma.

"Don't worry; it's someplace safe. It'll remain where it is until your punishment is up."

"Punishment?" repeated Yuma in disbelief, "wait, don't tell me. This is about those damned commandments, isn't it? I didn't even break any of them!"

"Yes, you did. Number nine to be exact. When you turned on the television earlier, the thing was on way higher than six. Thus, I confiscated it until you've learned your lesson. Oh, and I heard you just come in and open the refrigerator without washing our hands, meaning you broke number ten as well."

Yuma laughed coldly. "You carried off the whole damn thing all because I had the television turned up higher than six? You're crazy. Just tell me where you put the damned thing so I can get it. Hockey's coming on in five." He pounded the small table next to him. It collapsed instantly but Yuma didn't give a shit.

Reiji frowned. "Absolutely not. You broke a commandment, you suffer the consequences. Also, you just violated number three and five."

"I don't give a damn!" Yuma stomped his foot. "I'll ask you one more freaking time, so read my fucking damn lips: where. The. Fuck. Is. The. _TV?!_ "

Reiji rose from his seat. "I have things I need to get done," he announced as if Yuma wasn't even standing in his presence. He looked up at the wall clock, "I have some quick errands I have to run. I'll be back shortly." And with that, he exited the room as if proclaiming Yuma irrelevant.

Yuma clenched a fist. Fuck Reiji _and_ his commandments! He sure as hell wasn't getting away with this! Ol' Four Eyes didn't want Yuma breaking the commandments, huh? Well, Yuma was gonna do the complete _opposite._

* * *

"Yu-Yuma-kun? What are you doing?" asked Yui nervously when Yuma walked into the living room later that evening, balancing a stack of pots and pans in his arms. He dropped them onto the coffee table.

Shuu, who was _still_ lying on the couch, sighed. "Here we go…"

"I'll tell you what I'm fucking gonna do," hissed Yuma, gritting his teeth. "Four Eyes thinks he can control us with those 'ten commandments' of his, but I'm about to prove him fucking damn wrong."

"Is that about the TV?" deadpanned Shuu.

"Shut the hell up, NEET. And no, this is about principle," replied Yuma aggressively, taking up two pots. "Reiji's about to get what's coming to him. Little piggy, what time is it?"

Yui looked up at the wall clock. "Five minutes after six. Why—oh no!" Her face went white. "Yuma, you mustn't!" she insisted, rising to her feet.

"On the contrary, piggy. I ain't having this anymore. I hope ol' Four Eyes is listening loud and clear, too." Reiji had just came back from running his errands a few minutes ago, and Yuma wasn't wasting any time. He started banging the pots together, singing an off-key version of "Old McDonald Had a Farm".

Yuma rolled his eyes at them, but kept banging the pots together and singing through gritted teeth.

"Oh Yuma-kun…" whispered Yui, her face turning bright red.

Holding his aching side, Kou collapsed onto the armchair laughing. Meanwhile, Ayato was rolling around on the floor, suffering from uncontrollably giggles. They were laughing so hard, tears were trickling down their faces.

"I'm dying!" choked Kou through loud giggles.

"Whoa, Yuma! You could make it to _American Idol_ with a voice like that," wheezed Ayato, struggling to stand up. "What are you trying to do anyway?"

"He's purposely breaking one of Reiji's rules because he took the TV," answered Shuu loudly over the banging of pots and Yuma's horrible singing voice.

"How's that supposed to help?" snorted Ayato, "Reiji's one tough cookie. You can't break him. He'll probably be down here in a few seconds to kick your ass."

A few _minutes_ passed and Reiji never showed himself.

Yuma stopped banging the pots together. "Shit, my arms are tired…"

"Weird. I guess Reiji doesn't give a fuck another," shrugged Kou. "Maybe he's just ignoring you?"

"No, that doesn't sound like Reiji," said Shuu, slowly sitting up. "He's probably planning—" His nose flinched. "Do you smell that?"

The others took a big whiff of the air. Yui froze with fear. "It smells like smoke! Which must mean…!"

" _Fire!"_ shouted Yuma and Ayato simultaneously. Within an instant, everyone but Shuu dashed for the kitchen. The smell was too faint for the fire to be inside, so it had to be coming from _out_ side. They burst through the backdoor, instantly greeted by a slap of thick, smoky wind. Although it was pitch black outside, the whole yard was lit up with an orange glow.

Yui screamed as everyone spotted a tall wall of fire rising high into the sky nearby the gardening shed. A dark silhouette was standing by the flames, staring into them motionlessly. Reiji.

"Shit! My cabbages!" yelled Yuma, realizing it was the patch that was a flame. "Kou, get the hose!" he barked at Kou, sprinting for Reiji and the fire as it grew taller and taller.

"On it!"

The others sprinted for the fire, keeping their distance as it burned fiercely. "The fuck did you do, Reiji?" raged Yuma over the crackling flames.

Reiji glanced over his shoulders. "Oh. I was wondering when you all would make an appearance. Fire is a wonderful thing, isn't it? It's a purifier. It can burn anything and everything, washing away all its imperfections."

"What's wrong with you? Why would you burn down Yuma's garden?" cried Yui, her pink eyes huge with fear.

"Why else?" Shuu appeared among them, looking unfazed by the burning cabbage patch before them. "Yuma broke one of his commandments." Shuu stared at Reiji. "This wouldn't be the first time he burned down something precious to him."

"Are you motherfucking serious?" Yuma shouted at Reiji, "you're burning down my garden because I didn't respect your damn quiet rule?!"

Reiji kept staring at the fire. "The commandments are meant to be obeyed. Consequences are the result of disobedience."

Yuma wouldn't knocked the fuck out of Reiji if Kou hadn't ran over, dragging the running hose behind him. "I got it!" he shouted.

Yuma snatched the hose from him and pointed it at the fire, looking more upset than that time Shuu somehow beat him at cards.

* * *

 _The Next Morning…_

Subaru was wide awake.

Something was wrong. He lifted the lid of his coffin, sitting up. He squinted against the sunlight pouring through the curtains into his bedroom. It was morning. But something was wrong. It was too quiet. Usually, Yuma would be cussing someone out around this time. But Subaru heard nothing. Not even any movement in the hallway. All was quiet. It was _never_ quiet here. Some kind of shit must've gone down.

Grumbling to himself, Subaru exited his room and stormed downstairs. Yui was sitting on the couch quietly, looking down at her hands grimly. Shuu was sitting beside her, looking deep in thought for once. Now that Subaru was downstairs, he could hear Ayato, Kou, and Laito in the driveway arguing and playing basketball. "What happened?" asked Subaru, rubbing his eyes.

"Go outside," said Shuu half-heartedly.

Yuma's cabbage patch looked like shit. Everything was all charred and burnt and the whole yard smelt like smoke and roasted lettuce. Yuma was still out there swearing to himself and Ruki and Azusa.

"Let me guess. He broke a commandment," snorted Subaru, coming back into the kitchen where Reiji was having a cup of coffee.

"I'm surprised you didn't hear all the ruckus he was making."

"You know, that's real fucked up, Reiji," said Subaru, finding Yuma's sugar cookies in one of the cabinets. "

Reiji closed his eyes. "Remember the commandment, Subaru? No swearing around me."

Subaru smirked. "So? I don't give a fuck. There's nothing of mine you can destroy because I don't have shit." He noticed a new coffee maker on the counter. He knocked it onto the floor with one fluid motion, the machine breaking instantly. He grinned at Reiji defiantly and went back to munching on Yuma's sugar cookies.

Reiji sighed. "As expected from you." That's when Laito, Kou, and Ayato came thumping into the kitchen. "Say, is today trash day?" he asked them, "I have some things I need to discard immediately."

"Mhm-mm. And it's Shuu's turn to take it to the street," replied Kou as Ayato boasted about his victory.

Reiji frowned. "I guess that means it's my turn. The deadbeat never does his chores. I guess I'll just have to take it out since I was on my way to the store anyway." Mumbling to himself about he was cursed or something, Reiji made his exit.

"Man, I can't win!" Yuma was complaining, bursting through the backdoor. "If Subaru or Ayato isn't giving me problems, I have to deal with fucking Four Eyes." He stared daggers at Subaru. "Are those my sugar cookies?! Ugh, at this point, I really don't give a shit." Defeated, he plopped down at the table.

"Don't worry, Yuma-kun. Your cabbages will grow back in no time," reassured Kou, patting his brother on the back.

Subaru rolled his eyes. Dramatic, these guys. They were just damn cabbages. Yuma could just grow them again. Not giving Yuma a second shit, Subaru went back upstairs. He had plans for the day; sleep for at least fifteen hours. Now that everyone was all gloomy and—

"What the _fuck?_!" shouted Subaru the second he stepped into his room. Where his coffin usually set was just a empty stretch of space. Where'd his damn coffin go?!

Subaru froze when he heard a noise—the garbage truck groaning down the street outside. Reiji's earlier words then echoed through his head, _"Is today trash day? I have some things I need to discard immediately."_

" _FUCK!_ " shouted Subaru, punching a hole in his window and leaping out (because stairs are overrated, right?). Since his room was in the front of the mansion, he landed on the lawn. As he sprinted up the driveway (the limo was gone, meaning so was cowardly Reiji), he spotted his coffin sticking up out of the trashcan on the curb. At the same time, the garbage truck was making a noisy halt in front of the mansion.

"STOP!" shouted Subaru as the claw on the side grasped the can and lifted it up, dumping the household's trash and the coffin into its large waste container. Just as Subaru made it to the wrought iron gate, the claw set the trashcan back down and the truck sped off down the street.

Swearing uncontrollably, Subaru slipped through a space in the gate and charged down the street after the truck.

* * *

Across the street, Ms. Mayumi Aonuma, the kind old widow of the neighborhood, watered her flower bed cheerfully. She was a woman of old age, experience, and fortune. After her husband died fifteen years ago, Mayumi moved to a lovely mansion outside city limits and never left since. She loved her neighbors and quiet little life in the neighborhood—

She startled to attention when she heard shouting and rapid swearing. She looked up to see a young man with white—no, more like a light silver—hair running down the street after the garbage truck. Ms. Aonuma adjusted her glasses, taking a good look at him. He looked like one of those young people who'd just moved into the neighborhood a few months ago. One of the sons of that politician, she believed. Now, what was his name? Tamaki? Takumi? Tougo? Yes, _Tougo._ Tougo Sakamaki. Mayumi saw no resemblance, honestly. Speaking of the newcomers, there sure was a lot of them.

Ever since they moved in, that household had been the talk of the neighborhood. In the past four and a half months, Mayumi had heard far too much gossip about them. Some said one of the young men was a male prostitute. Others said the big one who was always seen in the garden was gay. According to someone else, there was only one girl living among nearly a dozen boys and that they were all "doing" her. Another swore she saw one of them, a short young man with purple hair, setting a business nearby on fire. Mayumi had heard so many stories she didn't know what to believe. Maybe she'd visit them for herself and see what they were really like.

She watched at the silver-haired young man caught up with the garbage truck and managed to latch onto it. She didn't say anything as the truck disappeared around the corner with the man hanging on to it.

Mayumi shook her head. Though she hadn't met them, she already knew those young people were odd. Very odd indeed. She watched silently as the truck—and the young man—disappeared around the corner.

* * *

Subaru came home smelling like garbage. Literally. He smelt like the freaking waste dump. Probably because he'd just come _from_ the waste dump. Man, Reiji was gonna fucking _pay_ when he got back. Subaru was lucky he'd managed to save his coffin. He was about to head upstairs, but paused when he sensed everyone gathered in the living room. He propped his coffin up against the wall and joined the others.

"Subaru! You finally made it!" said Kou. He wrinkled his nose. "You kind of smell…"

"Don't state the obvious. What's this about?"

"What else? Reiji," snorted Ayato, "we're tired of his ass. He deflated all of my basketballs just because I sipped from one of the 'good' glasses."

"He threw my karaoke machine out of the window because I had it turned up higher than six," said Kou gloomily, "that was before he got rid of the TV."

"I still can't find that damned thing," said Yuma, who'd apparently gotten over the cabbages. He was eating from a bag of chips nosily. "I looked everywhere in the house. The TV's just _gone."_

"He threw away my cake," sniffled Kanato sadly.

"He confiscated my phone." Laito have an uncharacteristic frown. "All because I had my ringer on and it rang between six and seven last night."

"I'm tired of this shit," grumbled Yuma, "it's not fucking fair. I don't like most of you yet I don't get up on your case over petty shit like Reiji."

Kou climbed up onto the coffee table, clearing his throat.

"Oh fuck." Subaru grumbled, facepalming. "Here we go."

"Brothers," began Kou strongly, glancing around at everyone. "For far too long have we suffered by the hands of Reiji's demonic tyranny! For far too long have we lived up to his expectations—"

"Not really," interrupted Laito with a giggle. "It hasn't even been two days."

"Which is far too long," muttered Ayato. Ruki, who was quietly leaning against the wall, gave a barely audible snort.

"—it's time we stand up!" went on Kou, "we need to rise up in the name of freedom! We need to rise up for the sake of our independence! Our liberty! Our rights! _Justice_! What Reiji is forcing upon us now is NOT justice! It's _in_ justice! You, sir!" He pointed at Yuma, who was seated on the couch with a bored look on his face. "What is your opinion on the matter? What has Reiji criminally striped you of? Why should you revolt against his wicked ways and customs?"

Yuma nosily dug into his bag of chips. "Because I can cuss whenever the _fuck_ I want to," he said matter-of-factly and with a snort. " _And_ chew with my mouth open," he added, chomping extra loud to prove his point.

"You, sir!" Kou pointed at Ayato next.

"Because Ore-sama can be loud during any time of the day! _Especially_ between six and seven on weekdays!"

"Eight through nine on weekends," added Azusa's muffled voice from under the couch.

"You, sir!" Kou aimed a finger gun at Subaru.

"Because I can break stuff just because I feel like! Watch!" Subaru swept a lamp off the table beside the armchair. "How 'bout dat for you, Reiji?" he smirked.

"Ooh, sassy. I like it!" Kou was getting excited. He turned his attention to Kanato, who was shifting in his seat on the couch. "What about you, Kanato?"

"Teddy likes the good china!" blurted out the purplehead, "he likes the details on the glass better! But _Reiji_ won't let us use it! He threatened to _burn_ Teddy! _Nobody_ would even _dare_ think about burning Teddy!"

From under the couch, Azusa coughed loudly.

"As proven, we are _all_ unhappy with Reiji's rules. He tries to rule us with an iron fist!" continued Kou strongly, walking up and down the surface of the table. "But we won't allow it! There's strength in numbers, my friends. We can turn the tables and fight for our rights as free men!"

"But we can't do it ourselves," reminded Kanato, looking just as annoyed as he sounded. "Remember? Reiji just keeps punishing us."

For a split second, Kou's mouth fixed into a grim line, but immediately curved back up into a smile. "Then we'll have to approach the situation differently. Since our force alone isn't enough, we need another variable! We need someone who can stand up to Reiji! We need someone with power!"

Everyone's heads snapped in the same direction as one of the parlor doors suddenly creaked open, revealing Shuu in the doorway. He looked around the room, and then blinked. "What?"

Kou grinned ear-to-ear. "And I think we just found him."

* * *

Reiji knew something was wrong the second he returned to the mansion. All was too quiet. There were no holes in the wall. Ayato hadn't thrown his basketball through the window. Yuma wasn't barking about his sugar cookies. The household was never this inactive.

Reiji cautiously proceeded through the living room. Oddly, Shuu wasn't lying on the couch anymore. Okay, something was REALLY wrong. Shuu NEVER left his spot on the couch. The vampire went into the kitchen next. Everything was oddly in order. But Reiji wasn't paying attention to the appliances or anything.

He was staring at the new poster on the wall—someone had taped it right over his ten commandments. "What in the world?" muttered Reiji, adjusting his glasses as he leaned in close to read the handwriting on the parchment. He instantly recognized Shuu's sloppy cursive, causing him to frown deep-deeply. The writing all the way at the top read: _Shuu's 1 Commandment._ Reiji scowled. Didn't that deadbeat know numbers one through ten were _always_ supposed to be spelled out in a sentence instead of standing alone as a numerical? Dunce. Nevertheless, Reiji kept reading. There was only one thing written underneath the heading:

 **1\. Thou shalt sleep.** _ **Amen**_ **.**

Loud snoring caught Reiji's attention, and his head snapped to the right to see Kou seated at the kitchen table, his head resting on the surface as he snored obnoxiously. Reiji's eye twitched. He knew _exactly_ what his idiot roommates were up to, and he wasn't having it. Gritting his teeth, he ripped _Shuu's 1 Commandment_ straight off the wall and balled it up before tossing it in the trashcan.

Angered, he marched right up to Kou and pulled his chair from underneath him, causing the young man to collapse onto the floor in a heap. " _What the—_?" yelped half-asleep Kou, bolting upward. "What happened?"

At this point, Reiji was at the sink filling up a pot with water. "Two can play at this game," he snapped, carrying the pot into the living room. At the first sight of Ayato sprawled on the couch, he emptied some of the water out on his head.

"SHIT, THAT'S COLD!" shrieked Ayato, rolling off the couch, soaking wet.

Reiji didn't stop. He marched into the office next, where Laito was asleep at the computer. He mercilessly tossed water on him, and then barged into the bathroom to see Azusa asleep on the toilet. Reiji threw the rest of the water on him before changing course.

Upstairs, he found Subaru fast asleep in his coffin (of which Reiji had thrown out but Subaru apparently reclaimed). That wasn't very unusual, since he always slept like this all day, but this time he had a smirk glued to his face as if he was mocking someone. Reiji. Angered, Reiji completely flipped the coffin over and then backtracked back into the hallway as Subaru let out a roar.

"Alert, alert! Reiji is on the loose! I repeat, Reiji is on the loose!" shouted Kou from downstairs.

"Reeiiijiii!" shouted Kanato, bursting out of his bedroom. Reiji threw the empty pot at him and it hit Kanato dead in the face with a _thump._

"Where's Shuu?" demanded Reiji. He didn't wait for an answer—he teleported to the rec room, where he sensed Shuu's presence. Yuma was standing by the pool table, which Shuu sat on. Ruki was sitting down in the background, but it didn't look like he was involved in whatever was going on.

"What is the meaning of this foolishness?" Reiji asked Shuu harshly, keeping his distance.

Shuu gave a lazy shrug.

"Don't act dumb. You know what you're doing. You're purposely rebelling against my rules. And I'll have you know I won't stand for it."

Shuu stared at Reiji. "Aren't you being dramatic?"

"He threw a pan at me," whined Kanato, coming into the room with the others.

"A pot," corrected Reiji thinly.

"That's even worse!"

"We're tired of your damn commandments, Reiji," hissed Yuma, "we aren't entitled to follow them."

"Of course you are! As the one with authority, my rules are meant to be followed."

"Well, I technically have more authority than you," pointed out Shuu, looking uninterested as always. "If you want to get smart again, what I say goes. Even over your word."

"You're an ignorant swine if you think I'm yielding to you, Shuu," spat Reiji.

"And you're even dumber if you think we're listening to you!" countered Yuma.

"I don't expect you to yield to me," said Shuu matter-of-factly, "because you're going to trash your ten commandments either way it goes."

Reiji laughed coldly. "How do you figure?"

"No matter what you think, _I_ am the eldest. As I said earlier, I have more authority than you. Thus, since I've created a rule of my own, yours are now nonexistent. The others will have to follow my commandment instead of yours. _But,_ if you willingly decide to do away with your commandments, I'll do the same. So you have a choice here: either let my commandment reign supreme and have everyone lying around the house all day, or let neither of our commandments prevail."

Kou shed a tear. "He has a way with words."

Reiji gritted his teeth. "So, what you're basically saying is that if I don't get rid of my rules, everyone will be forced to become like you. Spineless deadbeats."

Yuma gagged.

Reiji pressed his lips together. He knew he'd already lost. _"Fine,"_ he spat, "but _only_ because I wouldn't be able to stand dealing with more slackers."

Shuu nodded. "Good. So I'm going back on my commandment, too. I'm going back to sleep now. If anyone even comes near me, I'll choke you."

"Not _all_ of Reiji's commandments were faulty," spoke up Ruki, glancing around the room. "Most of them were just demands of normal decency. Decency that most of you don't have. I believe some of the commandments should stay, but should only stand as house rules. We need _some_ kind of discipline and order around here."

Just then, Ayato burst into the rec room, waving around a poster. . "Hey, guys! Reiji actually gave me an idea. Since I'm better than you all and you refuse to accept it, I decided to create my own ten commandment—"

Subaru acted fast. He snatched the poster from Ayato and ripped it clean down the middle. He then to make a point, he landed a slap across Ayato's face. "How's that for a commandment, bitch?"

* * *

 _Bonus: Ayato's Ten Commandments (heaven forbid they ever exist)_

 _10\. Thou shalt do Ore-sama's laundry every week._

 _9\. Thou shalt cook for Ore-sama. Especially the_ _takoyaki he likes, the kind with the crisp outside and soft inside. No exceptions._

 _8\. Thou shalt praise Ore-sama every day, at least once in the morning and once at night. Ore-sama likes to feel appreciated. Because he_ is _._

 _7\. Thou shalt play basketball with Ore-sama whenever he wants to. Get off your ass and go shoot some hoops regardless of what you're doing._

 _6\. Thou shalt yield to Ore-sama at all times. Do whatever he says, even if he tells thou to walk around in public exposing thy nakedness. No exceptions._

 _5\. Thou shalt not allow any flat-chested women to dwell Ore-sama's presence. Burn them if thou have to._

 _4._ _Ore-sama only gets the best_. _If thou haveth something better than him (which is highly unlikely), give it to him on the spot. If thou haveth prey whose blood tastes better than Ore-sama's prey, thou shalt give up thy prey. If thou haveth a good, warm seat in the limo, give it to Ore-sama. He likes his butt to feel toasty._

 _3\. Thou shalt do Ore-sama's homework._

 _2\. Thou shalt address Ore-sama as Ore-sama. That, or die._

 _1\. Thou shalt ultimately make sure Ore-sama always comes first. Unless in one of those fucked-up situations in which the chance of someone, specifically the first person, failing and/or dying is at least 9.99%._ _ **Then**_ _thou can come first. No exceptions._


	5. The Cockroach

**A/n: I still can't understand why Rejet is pushing Ayato so hard. I've seen the official character polls and Shuu won first place overall and then Ruki was in second. I don't like Ayato. By the way, sorry. This might be one of my worse chapters. #Rushing.**

 **But anyway, even vampires don't like the creepy crawlies.**

* * *

Laito had a good day today.

He drunk from Bitch-chan, played basketball with Ayato and Kou, drunk from Bitch-chan again and then went out to the mall to spy on all the innocent-looking girls he wanted to screw up. After an hour or two of spying, he kidnapped the cutest one and tortured her in the church for another good hour or two. After sucking her blood, he went back home and sucked from Bitch-chan _again_ and then joined Ayato and Kou outside for round two.

Now, he was just coming out of the shower, ending another day. And now that he was satisfied, he was ready to hit the hay for the night. Hmm. For being such a cooperative bitch today, perhaps Laito should take another trip to Bitch-chan's room. He knew she was secretly perverted and would love seeing him fresh out of the shower with beads of water clinging to his toned chest.

Nahh. Bitch-chan was probably worn out from all the fun the two of them had earlier. Laito would let her sleep so they could have even more fun tomorrow. After dressing in his pajamas, Laito strolled into the hallway. He heard laughing and intense swearing ringing out from downstairs.

"Bitch, you better back the fuck up before I slice your ass up with this," Yuma's thunderous voice was threatening.

"Come at me!" challenged Ayato, amusement lacing his voice. "I'll toss some more of this on your big ass."

Hmmm. Sounded like they were having fun down there~ Usually, Laito wouldn't hesitate to join in, but he was ready to call it a night. Even vampires needed sleep. Thus, after turning the lights off in his room, Laito climbed into bed. And with that, he drifted off to sleep, dreaming about all the wonderfully sadistic things he was gonna do to Bitch-chan tomorrow….

 _About Two Hours Later…._

Laito woke up when he felt something tickling his legs. What the…? Sluggishly, he opened his eyes and sat up. He screamed the second he got a glimpse of it. A huge-ass cockroach was perched atop his sheets, just staring at him. Panicked, Laito did a commando roll off his bed, landing on the floor with a thump. He didn't even stand up before he was scrambling for his door. He burst out into the hallway, his heart pounding like a mug. Breathing heavily, he peered into his bedroom cautiously. The cockroach was still there, on his bed chilling. Just chilling. Laito hissed. Not again. He hated these things with every fiber of his body. And why was it every time a cockroach or other any pest had to invade the house, it had to be his room _specifically?_

Laito let out a yelp when the cockroach suddenly took flight. He slammed his door closed. Okay, so he couldn't go in there anymore…But where was he gonna sleep? The mansion was quiet. At this point, everyone was doing their own thing in the privacy of their own room.

Laito opened up the linen closet, taking out a simple pillow and blanket. He was gonna have to bunk with someone. And he knew just the person.

He knocked on his eldest brother's door. When no reply came, Laito pushed Shuu's room door open. "Shuuuu," he called with a nervous giggle, stepping into the room and turning on the lights. Shuu was lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"What?" he monotoned.

Laito giggled nervously again. "Uh, can I bunk here for the night?"

It didn't even take a second for Shuu to deadpan, "No."

"Please? I'll be _really_ quiet."

"No. What's wrong with your room?"

"Let's just say it's _occupied_ at the moment~"

Shuu eyed Laito suspiciously. "What did you do?"

"Nothing!" insisted Laito innocently, "besides, aren't I free to spend time with my Nii-san sometimes?"

"You never call me 'Nii-san'. Something's wrong. You can't fool me," yawned Shuu, slowly sitting up. "What _really_ happened? Did Subaru break your bed again?"

"What? _No._ It's just…uh…my room…I can't be in there right now." Laito started to sweat. This was so unlike him. Laito Sakamaki was smooth and calm. Not nervous and ashamed. He was…he was too embarrassed to admit he was afraid of a cockroach.

Shuu must've realized something was odd about his younger brother, because he was studying him closely. "A centipede?" he guessed, raising an eyebrow.

"Even worse. A _cockroach_."

Shuu lay back down. "That's not my problem. You're not sleeping in here."

"Aw, but Shuuu!" whined Laito, pouting. "You'll probably just go downstairs and fall asleep on the couch! You won't even be in here."

"Doesn't matter. It's my room. Now get out."

Laito sighed, retreating back into the hallway with his stuff. Okay, so Shuu was out of the question. But alas, Laito would not give up! There were others Laito could rely upon! Like, for instance, his homeboy Ayato—

"What the hell are you doing in here?" snapped Ayato the second Laito appeared in his doorway. The other redhead was polishing his iron maiden, smooth jazz playing lowly from his radio.

"Hiya, Ayato!" Laito grinned extra friendlily. "Whatcha doing?"

It took one glance at Laito, specifically his gear. "No way in hell," said Ayato, narrowing his eyes at Laito. "What's it this time? A centipede?"

"A cockroach," corrected Laito with a sigh and shudder.

"Well, you better man up and kill it or else I don't know what to tell you," snorted Ayato, turning his attention back to his iron maiden. "But I _do_ know you ain't staying in here."

Laito pouted. "You're so mean, Ayato. Fine. I'll leave."

"Good riddance," Ayato was mumbling as Laito exited his domain, slamming the door shut behind him.

Ugh. So much for his homeboy. But Laito wasn't giving up! He still had other options! Next up—

Laito rapped at Kanato's door with his knuckles. It opened up a tiny crack, just wide enough for Laito to see Kanato's left amethyst eye peaking out at him. "What do you want?" he demanded impatiently.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" asked Laito hopefully. Kanato didn't even consider that request before he started to close the door. "Wait! I can pay rent!" added Laito quickly and desperately. Suddenly, the door swung all the way open, revealing a PJ-ed Kanato in the doorway, holding Teddy close. "What do you have?" he asked, his eyes growing wide.

"Uh…let me see…" Laito dug into his pocket. He collected everything in it into a fistful and then held out his hand for Kanato to see the contents in his palm.

Kanato looked disgusted at the three rusty pennies, lint, and old paperclip Laito offered him. "Is that all?" he asked harshly.

Laito dug into his other pocket. "Ooh! I also have three peppermints!" he said, hope swelling within him. Kanato could _easily_ be bribed with candy.

And sure enough, Kanato was eyeing the peppermints with interest. "Hmm. What do you think, Teddy?"

"This is a really good deal." Laito winked at Kanato. "You know none of the others give you candy."

Kanato thought about it for a while. "Do you have any butterscotch?" he asked hopefully.

"No?"

Kanato slammed the door in his face. Laito sighed. That failed. _Again._ Looked like Laito was right back where he started. But, again, he wasn't giving up so easily!

Laito changed directions, walking the down the hall to Reiji's door. He knocked at it softly. "Excuse me, Reiji," he called in the most modest voice he could muster. See, Reiji had a thing for manners and Laito was trying to use this to his advantage. If he was polite as possible, Reiji would take him in.

The door opened immediately and Reiji appeared in his doorway. Since his glasses were gone, his ruby eyes seemed to pierce Laito. "What is it?" he asked, suspicion lacing his voice.

Darn it! Like most of the rest of the household, Laito usually didn't regard manners. So for Laito to all of a sudden sound refined, he was practically giving himself away. "I was wondering if you'd be a _great big brother_ — _way_ better than Shuu—and—"

Reiji slammed the door in his face. Laito sweatdropped. He probably shouldn't have mentioned Shuu. Well, nevertheless.

After being rejected by the Mukamis (Yuma had threatened to punch him into next week, Azusa wanted to slice Laito up, Ruki suggested the pullout couch in the basement, and Kou never even answered his door ), Laito went to his last resort: Subaru.

He didn't even bother knocking; he swung open Subaru's door and wandered in. He nearly tripped over the white coffin in the floor. Whoops. He almost forgot Subaru didn't sleep in a real bed. Dropping his blanket and pillow onto the little table, Laito crouched down and slowly slid the lid off the coffin. Subaru was lying inside with his arms crossed over each other, making an X shape. His eyes were closed. His face was blank yet peaceful. That wouldn't last long.

Laito poked at Subaru's face gently. "Subaru? Subaru? Subaru, you awake?" He poked at him again. "Subaru? Sub—"

Subaru's eyes suddenly popped open. They were tired and red. He stared at the ceiling for a moment before his eyes slowly and threateningly looked to the right, locking on Laito. "You got _five seconds_ ," he warned dryly.

"Hi there, little brother! Uh, is there any room for two in there?"

Laito was flying out the room two seconds later. He landed on the floor with a thump. "And take your shit with you," hissed Subaru, tossing Laito's blanket and pillow out at him. He slammed his door shut afterward.

Laito sighed. Well, he was out of options—wait! Hold the fudge up! The Little Bitch! Why hadn't Laito thought of her before? It was more ideal to sleep in the same room with a girl than a guy. Besides, there was no way Bitch-chan would say no to Laito. She didn't have a choice!

Suddenly feeling very cheerful, Laito made his way over to Yui's room. "Oh, Bitch-chan~" he sang, swinging her door open.

Yui, who'd been buried under her covers, startled and sat straight up. "O-oh! L-Laito-kun!" she stammered, "what are—"

Laito turned on the lamp by her nightstand. "Don't worry, don't worry. Unfortunately, I'm not here to play with you," he assured her with a wink with a wink, "only to sleep with you." And with that, he tossed his own pillow and blanket onto the floor and leapt onto Yui's bed, landing with a bounce.

Yui turned bright red, sliding away. "What do you mean 'sleep with me?'"

Laito yawned. "You have all the covers, Bitch-chan. Don't be greedy, Bitch-chan. I need some too. Your body's way smaller than mine. Ooh, are you cold? I can warm you up~"

"No! I-I'm fine. Here, you can have all of it," said Yui quickly, tossing all of the blanket at Laito.

"You need some too! Don't you wanna snuggle under the covers, Bitch-chan~?"

"I-I'm good!"

Laito pretended to be disappointed. "Okay then. I won't hesitate if you change your mind, though~"

"So, uh, why can't you sleep in your room?" asked Yui as Laito made himself comfortable in her bed. "Not that I'm telling you to get out or anything," she added quickly.

Laito frowned, turning over onto his side and staring up at the ceiling. "Cockroach."

Yui paled. "S-seriously?"

"I know right. The creepy crawlies just won't leave me alone. That's okay, though. Now I get to sleep with Bitch-chan! I'm so excited. Now, enough talk." Laito took Yui's shoulders and gently lay her down. "Let's go to sleep, shall we?" He turned off the lights. "Sweet dreams, Bitch-chan~"

Thirty minutes passed. Yui lay on her side with her back to Laito, feeling extremely uncomfortable. She could feel him staring at her backside. At one point, she took a peep over her shoulder to see him staring at her with a creepy smile. Yui couldn't do this.

Eventually, she sat up. "So, there's a roach in your room, right? I'll kill it."

"Bitch-chan, are you trying to get rid of me?"

"What? Um, n-no! It's just…you can't go around avoiding your room forever, right? You'll have to go in there for a change of clothes sooner or later."

Laito thought about it for a moment. "Nah. I can just borrow Ayato's clothes. We wear the same size. His stuff might be baggy and seriously unclassy, but I can deal with it."

Yui started to sweat. "Uh, isn't your phone in there?"

Laito shot up. "You're right!" he gasped, "Bitch-chan, we gotta do something! What if that vile cockroach is crawling on it right now?"

Yui pushed back the covers and stepped into her slippers. "I'll take care of it," she said confidently, starting for the door.

Laito stayed behind Yui as the two entered his bedroom. "So where was it?" asked Yui, looking around.

Laito's eyes were darting left and right in search of the roach. "It was on my pillow," he replied, stiffening up at the memory. He became alarmed. "Do you think it was trying to crawl into my ear and start a colony in there? I've heard of that happening to some kid in Britain…"

"There's no need to worry about that. I'll find it and kill it for you." Yui held up her trusty flyswatter.

"You're so brave, Bitch-chan!" Laito's cheeks blushed. "I'll be sure to reward you later on~"

Yui smiled nervously. "Uh, that won't be necessary—"

"Oh, but I insist. You get pleasure from fangs entering you, right? Well, I'll suck you until you're—AH, BITCH-CHAN! THERE IT IS!" Shrieking, Laito pointed near his fireplace. A big red thing was stuck to the wall right above it. The electric outlet-long abomination was just chilling above the mantle, moving its freakishly long antenna around erratically. Laito shuddered twice.

Yui's eyes widened at the sight of it. "I've never seen one that big before," she gulped.

"I know, now go get rid of it!" Laito pushed Yui toward the fireplace, remaining near the doorway just in case he needed to make a break for it. Yui staggered forward, holding on to the fireplace to regain her balance. She lifted her face to find her nose a few centimeters away from the cockroach. It twitched one of its antennas and hissed. Yui yelped, falling back onto her butt.

"Bitch-chan! Quit wasting time and kill it! You _do_ want me to pleasure you, don't you?"

Yui gulped, standing up. She cautiously approached the insect, raising her flyswatter. But right before she could aim a blow, the bug spread its wings and took to the air. Startled, Yui screamed but not as loud as Laito, who was already bailing.

Yui jumped back as the cockroach flew through the air as a big red blur. It started to fly toward her, but Yui wasn't having it. She was already making a break for the door, sliding into the hallway and slamming Laito's room door shut so the cockroach couldn't escape.

"Bitch-chan! Bitch-chan!" Laito was calling out to her from the end of the hall. "Did you kill it?"

Yui began to sweat. "Uh, it was too fast." She noticed she had dropped and left the flyswatter in Laito's room.

Laito frowned deeply, his cold green eyes staring at Yui with dissatisfaction. "Bitch-chan, you said you'd kill it. Did you _lie_ to me, Bitch-chan?" Laito's voice was laced with warning.

"…." Yui had no reply. She looked down at her shoes, knowing she was doomed from this point onward. But thankfully, someone came storming down the hall.

"Oi! What the hell's going on out here?" demanded Ayato. It took once glance at Laito, Yui, and then Laito's closed door. "Oh, don't tell me," he growled. He shot a look at Laito. "You _still_ haven't killed the fucker yet?"

"It's big!" insisted Laito, "Bitch-chan saw it!"

"Chichinashi, you chickened out too? Boy, what's wrong with you guys?" Ayato shook his head. "Ore-sama's the only one here who's not a coward."

Laito saw his chance. "Oh yeah? Then _prove_ it to us~" He grinned.

"What? No way! Do you really think I'm that stupid?" snorted Ayato.

"Hear that, Bitch-chan? Ayato's practically admitting he's scared. He's no better than us, right?"

Yu didn't say anything, but Ayato got offended anyway. "You two are dumb," he insisted harshly, "Ore-sama's not afraid of anything and he'll prove it." He marched into Laito's room, slamming the door behind him.

Laito winked at Yui. "He's so dumb. I bet even you could manipulate him, Bitch-chan."

"What the _fuck,_ " yelled Ayato on the other side of the door.

"I told you it was big," called Laito.

They heard a loud _thump_. "Dirty motherfucker," grumbled Ayato. A moment of silence passed and Ayato finally came out of the room. "It's done. I threw the thing out of the window. See? Ore-sama told he wasn't a coward."

Once Ayato was gone, Laito cautiously walked into his room. He looked around. He didn't see a cockroach. Ayato really must've killed it. He even left the window open. 'Okay, Bitch-chan. It was nice staying in your room, but I'm going back to mine now. Good night~" he said, slamming the door in Yui's face.

He wasted no time in hopping onto his bed. Ahhh. It felt nice to be back in his own domain. Now, for some shut eye….

* * *

 _About an Hour Later…._

Laito's eyes popped open when he felt something ticklish creep up his leg. Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

He bolted upward, throwing the covers off to see the cockroach crawling up his leg. Screaming, Laito shook it off and rolled off his bed, landing on the bed with a loud _thump._ In the dark, he bolted for the door, bursting out into the hallway.

Angered and irritated, he stormed into Ayato's room, where the other redhead was buried under his covers snoring. Laito yanked the covers off, grabbing Ayato by his ankle and pulling him out the bed.

"Wha—hey! What the _fuck_!" swore a half-asleep Ayato as Laito dropped him onto the floor.

"You said you took care of it," hissed Laito, seizing Ayato by the ankle again and tossing him into the wall. Well, more like _through_ the wall. Apparently, Laito had put a little too much juice into his throw because Ayato straight up flew _through_ the wall, creating a huge hole in it. And since Kou's room was right next door, Ayato landed on the blond's floor in a pile of drywall.

"WHAT THE FUCK— _BITCH_!" Ayato rose to his feet, brushing himself off.

Kou, who had fallen asleep in his headphones, startled awake as Yui burst into Laito's room. "What's going on?" she cried out. Upon seeing the hole in Laito's wall, she gasped. "What happened?"

A sluggish Kou sat up and turned on his lamp, sliding off his headphones "What the—why's there a hole in my wall?!" he shrieked.

Ayato rubbed on his forehead, noticing the knot right above his eyebrow. " _Bitch_! Look what you did to me!" he raged at his equally angry brother. "Chichinashi, look at what he did to me! Kou, look at what he—"

"Why's there a hole in my wall?" repeated Kou, noticing the sheet rock on his carpet. "What's going—hey! What're you doing?!" he demanded alertly as angry Ayato started breaking Kou's stuff.

"I'm gonna _fuck you up_!" he yelled at Laito, lunging at the other redhead. The two immediately got into a fist fight, making Yui scream for help.

"My stuff!" wailed Kou, grieving over his broken things on the floor like he didn't notice the fight going on a few inches away.

"You liar! You told me you killed it!" growled Laito, punching Ayato in the gut.

"It's not my fault you're a scared little girl!" countered Ayato, going for Laito's hair. They started yelling and clawing at each other's faces like maniacs. Meanwhile, Kou was weeping over his now destroyed karaoke machine.

"Oi! What's going on in here?" demanded pajama-clad Yuma, storming into the room. The first thing he saw was the hole. "And what's with that big-ass hole?" Ayato and Laito rolled past his feet, fighting and shouting.

Reiji appeared next, looking legit mean. He had bedhead and his eyes were tired, narrow, and agitated. "What's all the ruckus this time?" he demanded. His eyes landed on Laito and Ayato on the floor. "Goodness gracious." He clapped his hands together. "Break it up, please."

The two kept fighting.

Subaru came out of nowhere, knocking Ayato and Laito into Kou's undamaged wall. "Don't you bitches know you're interrupting my sleep?" he demanded.

"What's this even about?" snorted Yuma.

"A damn cockroach," blurted Ayato, glaring at Laito.

Yuma facepalmed. "Not again…Someone just go kill the damned thing."

"Okay, where's the fucker at?" demanded Subaru, storming into Laito's room and switching on the lights.

"Honestly, all this noise in the middle of the night over a measly little pest," Reiji was grumbling harshly in the hall behind him. "And if you were a cleaner person, we wouldn't be having this issue. Bugs are attracted to filth and when's the last time you actually cleaned your room?"

"My stuff," whined Kou for the umpteenth time.

"Shut up already!" snapped Yuma.

Subaru got down on his knees to look under Laito's bed. "Damn coward," he muttered to himself as Reiji appeared in the doorway, rubbing his temples.

"Please find it fast," said Reiji, putting his glasses on. "I don't want this nonsense carrying on any longer."

Shuu appeared in Laito's bed. "Yeah. This is annoying as hell. Seriously, we never have peace in this house."

"I agree with NEET. And now because of those idiots, there's a big-ass hole in Kou's wall," said Yuma, joining them in Laito's room.

"And naturally, _I'm_ the one who's going to be burned with having it fixed." Reiji looked perplexed.

"That was vintage," sniffled Kou from his semi-destroyed room.

"Oi, didn't I just tell you to shut the hell up?!"

Subaru checked Laito's windows. "I don't even see the damned thing," he grumbled. "It's probably not even in here anymore. The thing's probably crawled downstairs by now."

"Found it," announced Shuu lazily. Everyone turned to look at him. The big-ass cockroach was perched atop Shuu's toes, nibbling on his fluffy socks.

Yuma whistled. "That's a big motherfucker, I'll give Laito that."

"You guys found it?" squeaked a distressed yet hopeful Laito, daring to peer into his bedroom. He looked faint at the sight of the cockroach on Shuu's foot. "Oh goodness…."

"Hold on…" Subaru slipped his foot out of his shoe as the cockroach crawled down Shuu's leg and onto Laito's sheets. "This shit ends right now," said Subaru, aiming the shoe over the cockroach. Before he brought it down on the bug, he noticed something odd about it. "Wait. What the fuck?" he muttered, leaning in close to study the cockroach.

"Oh, for goodness sakes, Subaru. Just get rid of the thing so we can all get some sleep," complained Reiji.

"Oh fuck," swore Subaru as some kind of brown thing detached itself from the cockroach's rear end. "Quick, somebody get me some—" But it was too late. The brown thing was already splitting open and dozens of tiny white things were pouring out. "Dammit! It's having babies!" he exclaimed.

Reiji facepalmed, Laito took off down the hall in fear, and Shuu gagged but didn't move as the white cockroach babies attached themselves onto the pant leg of his pajama bottoms.

The mother took off flying, disappearing into Laito's closest. Her babies scattered, scurrying in every direction.

"Did you kill them?" called a desperate Laito from downstairs.

"Nope—in fact, the problem just got ten times worse. Congratulations Laito. I believe your room is now officially infested."


	6. Grocery Shopping

**A/n: Rushed chapter. My head hurts.**

* * *

One Saturday around noontime, Yuma found himself staring at Reiji in the office. "What's this about?" he demanded.

"I need you to run an errand for me," replied Reiji matter-of-factly, "I noticed our inventory is getting quite low, so I composed a list for groceries for you to go get."

He handed Yuma the list along with a stack of coupons that was nearly as thick as a bible. "Oi, what the hell's all of this for?" asked Yuma.

"They're redeemable for financial discount."

"I know what the hell a coupon is, Four Eyes. What I'm asking is why do we need all of these? We're not getting _that_ much stuff."

Reiji adjusted his glasses and gave Yuma a super squinty look. "You _do_ realize this is a household of eleven people, fifteen if we count your monstrous appetite. But regardless of food, we still need cleaning supplies, hygiene products—"

"Okay, I get it, I get it. We need shit. But I have another question."

Reiji sighed. "What is it?"

"Why do I have to bring all of _them_?" Yuma gestured over his shoulder, where Kou, Laito, Shuu, Yui, Ayato, and Subaru were gathered and complaining (on Ayato and Subaru's parts).

"They will serve as your assistance."

Yuma snorted. "Yeah, right. I don't need help reading a damn list. You're just dumping on them because you don't feel like tolerating them today."

"Precisely. Even I need a break every now and then." Reiji made a shooing gesture at them. "Now run along. We all have things to do. Oh, and one more thing. Don't embarrass yourselves this time. When together, you all have a tendency to make fools of yourselves."

Yuma rolled his eyes. "Please. We're just going shopping. What could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

"This is just great," said Ayato sarcastically as the limo cruised down a busy street, "Reiji _loves_ making me suffer."

"You? How do you think _I_ feel?" snapped Subaru, "I was in the middle of a really good nap. I'm losing precious sleep because of this. Right, Shuu?"

Shuu, who was seated beside Yui, snored in return. "How can he go to sleep so easily?" asked Yuma distastefully, "it's abnormal. It's impossible for anyone, even a human, to require that much sleep. The slacker sleeps just as much as he breathes. But at least with him knocked out cold he won't have to come in the store with us. That's one less problem I gotta deal with."

Shuu's eyelashes fluttered. "What was that?" he slurred, half conscious.

"Nothing. Just go back to sleep," growled Yuma. Shuu murmured something under his breath, but eventually dosed off again.

"And what's even worse? Four Eyes didn't put Ore-sama in charge," went on Ayato, pissed. "He _knows_ Ore-sama's supposed to be the leader. I'm best qualified."

"Ayato, if you don't stop lying," giggled Laito, "you couldn't lead a dog on a leash even if you wanted to."

"Shut the hell up. What do you think, Chichinashi? Shouldn't Ore-sama be in charge?"

"Um, I don't know. Reiji-san put Yuma-kun in charge, so there's really no reason to discuss this, right?"

"Exactly," grumbled Yuma, "but seriously, ol Reiji thinks he's _so_ sly. He just forced everyone he doesn't like on me. If Kanato hadn't been outside in the neighbor's pool again, he would've made me deal with his retarded ass, too."

"Oh, look. We're here~" said Laito as the limousine pulled into a huge-ass parking lot.

Subaru grunted. "Have fun in the store. I'm keeping my ass in here with Shuu."

"Uh, _no_. You're coming in with us. You're at least going to be useful," said Yuma firmly, "the only reason the slacker's staying here because he's better off out of everyone's way. Otherwise, he's just deadweight."

Subaru growled under his breath but didn't protest as everyone (excluding Shuu) got out of the car. "My, it's a really beautiful out today," smiled Yui, looking up at the sunny, deep-blue noontime sky.

"I know. If it wasn't for this shit, I would've been outside in the garden with my cabbages," said Yuma, shaking his head like it was such a shame.

"We _all_ have stuff we'd rather be doing," said Kou, taking his earbuds out of his ears as they walked up the parking lot toward the store. "But someone's gotta do the shopping. Reiji and Ruki can't do it all the time."

"Let's just get this over with," said Yuma as they entered the store through the automatic doors, greeted by a blast of chilly air. "Someone get the cart," he ordered, proceeding past the shopping carts and through the other set of automatic doors with Yui.

"Not it!" exclaimed Ayato, Kou, and Laito simultaneously.

Subaru gritted his teeth. "No way! I'm not pushing it!"

"C'mon, Subaru. It's only fair," insisted Laito, winking at a female passerby.

"No, hell it's not! That caught me off-guard!"

"Aww, quit being a sore loser, Subaru-kun. Just push the thing so we can get this over with," said Kou.

"Why don't _you_ push it then?" countered Subaru.

"Hell no."

" _Exactly."_

"How about we just play rock-paper-scissors instead?" suggested Laito, "loser pushes the cart."

"Dumbass, what's with your fascination with that game? You don't even know how the game works! There are _four_ of us. Rock-paper-scissors doesn't go four ways," snapped Subaru, oblivious to the stares the humans entering the store were giving him (or he just didn't give a damn).

Ayato rolled his eyes. "You're so dramatic. Either play the damned game or push the cart."

"I hate you all," murmured Subaru harshly as the four grouped together. "Rock, paper, scissors," they all chanted, bobbing their fists to the chant, "shoot." Everyone had paper. "See, I told you this wasn't gonna work," spat Subaru.

"You know what, guys? I'll just push it," offered Kou suddenly and with a smile. "It's no big deal."

Ayato and Subaru shot Kou suspicious glares. "You were just refusing to a second ago. What are you up to?" asked Ayato coolly.

"Nothing, honest. I'm just trying to help out. This fighting will only lead to more problems." Kou blinked innocently. He proceeded to get a buggy, but Subaru stepped in front of him.

"You're planning something," growled Subaru.

"C'mon, Subaru-kun. Just move so I can get the cart before Yuma comes back—"

Subaru didn't budge. "We're not dumb. You obviously have a trick up your sleeve. And don't give me that 'I'm trying to help' shit. If your intentions are really that innocent, why the hell are you grinning at me like that?"

"What do you mean?" asked Kou calmly, smiling devilishly and slyly.

"I know why~" Laito tipped his hat at another woman. "Because pushing the cart is the easiest job. Whoever has that job doesn't have to run around on a wild goose chase when Yuma inevitably decides to divide the list among us."

Subaru, Ayato, and Kou stared at each other. "I'm pushing the cart!" exclaimed Ayato and Subaru simultaneously, both of them reaching for the same buggy.

"Bitch, you better let go," warned Subaru, grabbing the end of the cart.

"No, _Ore-sama's_ pushing it! _You_ better let go," countered Ayato, taking hold of the handle. The two began to bicker and fight over the shopping cart, ignorant to the customers who had chosen to stop and watch the fight.

"Uh, guys…?" said Kou slowly, noticing Yuma storming in their direction with Yui hurrying after him. But Subaru and Ayato kept at it, stubbornly playing a tug of war with the shopping cart.

Yuma marched through the automatic doors and toward the shopping carts. "What the fuck's going on?" he hissed lowly, his eyes blazing with fury.

Laito giggled. "We're having a little…. _misunderstanding_ over the shopping cart."

Yuma facepalmed. "What a bunch of kids. Everyone shut up. _Yui's_ pushing it, okay? Yui, get the damned thing before I lose the little patience I have."

"O-okay."

"Clear out, people. Nothing to see here," said Laito playfully, shooing at the customers who'd stopped to watch the fight.

With Ayato complaining in defeat, Kou returning to his usual cheery self, Yui pushing the cart, Laito teasing her, Subaru grumbling, and Yuma mumbling, everyone walked through the next pair of automatic doors, which landed them at the front of the busy store. They paused and Yuma dug Reiji's list out of his pocket. He unfolded it and the paper dropped all the way down to the floor. "Oh _hell_ no. Reiji's insane. I don't have time for this," huffed Yuma, quickly reading over most of it.

"Why do we even need all that stuff? We don't even need human food," pointed out Ayato impatiently, "there's always Chichinashi, but she doesn't eat _that_ much."

"It doesn't matter. If we don't get all this shit, Reiji's just going to bug us for the next week or two," said Yuma, tearing the list into three even sections. "Reiji already formatted the list by aisle, so we'll just take a department, split into teams of three, and divide and conquer. Yui's with me. We'll do the produce, dairy, bakery, and meat. Subaru, Kou—"

Subaru groaned loudly.

"—you two will take the packaged and frozen foods. Ayato and Laito, you two got the inedible departments; toiletries and cleaning supplies. Once you have everything on your list, come back here and wait for everyone else. We clear?" Yuma handed each team their assigned part of the list. "And let me make myself clear just this once: you four _better_ get your shit together ASAP. I'm _not_ staying here longer than we have to, so help me, if there's a problem—"

"Relax, Yuma. We _got_ this," assured Kou, patting his brother on the back.

"Yeah, because reading a list is _so_ hard," said Subaru sarcastically, "grab another cart, Kou. Let's get this damned trip over with. The faster we get done, the faster I can take my ass home and go back to sleep."

 **OoO**

"Don't you just love how we always coincidentally get paired up?" teased Kou as he followed Subaru into the cereal aisle with the cart.

"Coincidentally my ass," snorted Subaru, turning to their list. "They do this shit on purpose because they know we hate each other."

" _Hate_ is such a strong word, don't cha think?" said Kou thoughtfully, "I mean, I don't _hate_ you and I'm sure you don't hate me—"

"Uh, no. I _hate_ you," spat Subaru, glaring at his partner. "But this isn't the time for group therapy. We have a job to do so let's just go ahead and get it over with. I don't wanna spend all day here, especially not with you."

"Aw, I love you too~"

Subaru threw a few boxes of cereal into the cart. "I hate this shit," he hissed, taking a box of raisin bran off the shelf. "The raisins are hard as hell and the flakes taste like cardboard."

"I know right. Ruki loves that stuff." Kou rolled his eyes. "He's such an old man."

And speaking of old men, a wrinkly one came out of nowhere and nearly rammed Subaru out of the way with his cart. "Hey! Watch where you're pushing that thing, old man," snapped Subaru, jumping out of the way.

The old guy just grunted at them and proceeded to grab a box of raisin bran off the shelf. As he shuffled past Subaru with his walking cane, he let out a loud fart.

"Ugh!" hissed Subaru and Kou simultaneously, covering their noses at the foul smell that immediately polluted the whole aisle.

"The hell's your problem?" coughed Subaru as the old guy slowly pushed his cart away.

Just as he left the aisle, a young mother and her two small children rolled through. "Ewwww! Mommy, something stinks," complained the little girl.

"Yes, I know, sweetie. Some people just aren't decent." The mother shot a horrid look at Kou and Subaru.

"Hey, that wasn't us!" Kou's eyes widened.

The mother just huffed and quickly traveled down the aisle with her kids. Subaru snorted. "Whatever. Screw them. I don't have time to be worrying about some old prick and a stupid-ass woman. I've had my experience with both kinds, and I'm not trying to take a trip down memory lane. Let's keep going, Kou. Kou?"

"Ooh, Subaru-kun, _look_!" Kou held up a box of cereal. "They have a new flavor of Sugar Stars! Birthday cake! Can we get it?"

"Kou, you'll pass the fuck out if you eat that shit. _No._ "

"Awww. _Please_? _"_

"I said no! Now hurry up! I'm not wasting my Saturday in here. I have better things to do than inhale old-man farts and babysit teenage-sized kids."

 **OoO**

"Ouch!" Ayato leapt forward, whirling around and glaring death at Laito. "Quit it!" Ever since they split up, Laito kept hitting the back of Ayato's shin with the cart.

"Oops. Sorry, Ayato-kun. You're walking so slow, I can't help but hit you. My apologies~"

"Tch, whatever." Ayato turned his attention back to the shelves of shampoo before them. "Reiji said to get six bottles of shampoo, so I'll just grab some and—"

"Wait! Hold on, now. You can't just 'grab' shampoo," said Laito, parking the cart and joining Ayato in front of the large variety of shampoo brands. "You have to test them out first. Smell around. Pick the one with the best scent."

Ayato wrinkled his nose. "It doesn't matter. It's just shampoo."

"Oh yeah?" Laito unscrewed the cap of a bottle and held it up to Ayato's nose.

Ayato immediately reeled back. "Shit, that stinks. It's so… _musty_."

"Exactly. You wouldn't want to go home with anything that smells like a funeral home. You have to be selective when it comes to scents," explained Laito knowingly, "and not just with shampoo. _Everything_ that has a fragrance."

"I never thought about it like that. Ore-sama has to smell fresh." Ayato picked up a bottle. "How about this one?"

Laito sniffed it cautiously. "Too peachy. We're men, remember? We gotta smell masculine. Here, let's try this one. We'll smell of them and then pick our favorites."

"But don't we have other things on the list we need to get?"

"Don't worry about that. We're not leaving anytime soon. We have all the time in the world~"

 **OoO**

"Look at this shit! They want an arm, a leg, _and_ a neck for this," said Yuma, reaching down into the freezer and taking out a bag of chicken wings. "They want fucking nine dollars for _two_ pounds of wings. Wait, _is_ this even two pounds? The bag's not even halfway full. This is some pure bullshit right here. And people _blindly_ spend their money on this stuff, ignorant to the fact they're getting ripped the fuck off. That's why a lot of people are poor now. These greedy bastards are milking 'em dry."

He and Yui were in the meat department, having already picked up the things from the bakery and produce section (which was really only fruits since Yuma grew vegetables).

Disgusted, Yuma dropped the chicken back into the freezer and walked further down to the packaged chicken. "What kind of chicken breast did Reiji said he wanted?"

Yui checked the list, joining Yuma by the freezer. "The kind in the green and white package. _Not_ the one in blue and yellow. He wrote that that kind tastes like synthetic chicken and if you come back with it, he'll said he'll personally see to it that you eat it breakfast, lunch, and dinner until it's all gone."

Yuma rolled his eyes. "Four Eyes is so dramatic. But okay, we'll get the green and white kind if it's _that_ big of a deal."

Yui was about to reach in to grab a package of meat, but Yuma seized her wrist. "Don't pick that one up. See that weird white stuff in the package? No one wants to eat that spoiled shit."

"Oh. Sorry. I wasn't paying attention." She picked up a pack of better-looking meat and immediately winced. "Ew. The packing is wet…"

"Then get another one." Yuma picked up a different container. "This one's wet, too." He moved further down, selecting a flat package far away from the others. "And so is this one! What the hell? Why's all the meat leaking? How do they except you to buy this shit if all the juice is bleeding out of it? That's unsanitary _and_ gross. Eh, whatever. After we leave, we'll just go and get chicken from someplace else. This shit might give even a _vampire_ salmonella."

After they both sanitized their hands with the convenient sanitizer Reiji made Yui carry around, they picked up a case of ground turkey and then went to check out the beef patties. The second Yuma saw them, he face twisted into a scowl. "Well, good damn! They're trying to kill folk with this stuff," he insisted, making a face at the brown spots on the patties. He spotted a nearby employee in white restocking the freezers.

"Excuse me, but can you explain _this_?" Yuma shoved the package of spoiled beef patties at him. "Are you _trying_ to poison your customers? Is your meat _really_ that bad? This even has a good expiration date, but it looks terrible."

The employee just shrugged. "I don't handle the meat directly, but I do know what they do. When the store-brand meat gets old, they just take it off the shelf and grind it together with the new meat."

Yuma's and Yui's mouth dropped open. _"Seriously?"_ Yuma was straight up disgusted now. The employee nodded.

"That's gross. Don't they care about people's health?" Yui was equally as grossed out.

"That's just it. They _don't._ Eve, put all the fucking meat back. We're not buying this shit. Throw it anywhere, even on the floor. I don't care. They can have this crap. I'll be damned if we even walk out of this department with that stuff."

The employee gave another shrug. "Yeah, it's pretty repulsive. That's why most of the employees who know better don't shop here."

"Well, you best believe they're gonna get a personal complaint from me," assured Yuma, "once we step out of this joint, we're not _ever_ coming back. Let's go, Eve. I'm nauseous as hell now. I'm not spending any more time in here than I have to."

 **OoO**

Subaru scratched the soup off the list as Kou put a few cans in the basket. "Good. We're halfway there," he said, relieved. "Let's grab the beans and diced tomatoes—WHOA!" Subaru leapt out of the way as the old man from earlier suddenly charged down the aisle. "That's the second time today, old man! Watch where you're going!" Subaru shook a fist at him.

The old man ignored them, bending down for a can of corn. With his butt sticking up in the air, he let out another loud fart.

"Not again" groaned Kou, covering his nose.

"You're doing that shit on purpose," spat Subaru, "that's rude and indecent. Cut it out!"

The old man kept ignoring them. Once he had his corn, he grumbled something then pushed his cart out of the aisle, leaving Subaru and Kou in his dust—or should I say _fart._

And as if on cue, two women decided to pass through the aisle. "Do you smell that?" The honey-blond one wrinkled her nose instantly.

"Yeah. It's terrible," replied the other. They both shot glares at Subaru and Kou.

"That wasn't us!" insisted Kou. The women snorted and went on about their business.

"Everyone here is loony," complained Subaru, "that's probably why Reiji even sent us in the first place."

 **OoO**

"Hehe. Look at this one," giggled Laito, showing Ayato a page of his manga. It was of a blond super villain in a strappy BDSM outfit.

Ayato whistled. "She's hot. But I like this one better. He boobs are bigger." The guys were _supposed_ to be making their way to the cleaning aisle, but they "accidentally" ventured down the aisle of comics and were gawking at the sexualized female characters in the volumes. They giggled at the super's villain's overly exposed chest.

"That's so hot." Laito had to suck in his nosebleed.

If Yuma caught them, he'd be furious. But, Yuma was all the way on the other side of the store. Besides, it had taken a lot of effort for Laito and Ayato to hand select their shampoo and deodorants. They needed a break. They'd perv on fictional characters for five more minutes and then go back to the shopping.

Okay, maybe ten….

 **OoO**

"What the hell?" Yuma muttered to himself when he checked the next thing on the list. "Why does he need that?"

"What is it?" asked Yui, grabbing a carton of milk and adding it to their cart.

Yuma showed Yui the list. The next thing they needed was… "Powdered goat milk?" said Yui, confused. "That's a thing?"

"Apparently. Four Eyes is weird. But anyway, I have no clue where that'd be," admitted Yuma. He noticed an employee not far away, restocking the aisle of dairy. "Go ask him."

Yui's face went red. "But…that's… _weird_."

"I know. That's why I'm not doing it." Yuma poked Yui's side. "C'mon, little piggy. Don't be shy. Besides, it's your duty. It's your job to find the milk of your fellow barnyard animal."

Yui turned a deeper shade of crimson. "Fine. I'll be right back." Hesitantly, she quietly walked over to the employee. "Um, excuse me?"

"What's up?" The employee didn't stop what he was doing.

"Could you tell me where….the powdered goat milk would be?"

"Baking aisle," he responded, "beside the other powdered milk."

"O-okay. Thank you." Yui went back over to Yuma. "Baking aisle."

"See. That wasn't so hard, was it?"

Yui didn't say anything as they made their way to the baking aisle. Turned out the powdered goat milk was fresh sold out. "People seriously buy that shit?" asked Yuma in disbelief.

"No bother. We'll just get a rain check," reminded Yui.

"Sure, sure. Let's just get going. We don't have that much left. Let's hurry and get this done so we can get home. I need to water my cabbages and I know for a fact Reiji isn't going to do it considering he's the one who _burned_ my first crop."

 **OoO**

Finally, Subaru and Kou made it to the frozen food department. Thankfully, they didn't have that much to get so they'd be done afterward. Kou pushed the cart ahead of Subaru, who was marking things off their list. Right as Kou was about to turn down the aisle, he froze. Subaru ended up walking into him.

"Oi, what's the big idea?" demanded Subaru.

Kou just stared straight ahead. Subaru followed his gaze and his eyes immediately landed on the same old man from earlier. This time, he was bent over while rummaging through the freezers, his butt sticking out.

"Oh, you gotta be kidding me." Subaru facepalmed. "We're so unlucky. Well, I guess we have no choice…"

Reluctantly, the two slowly proceeded into the aisle. The old man didn't move. When he got close, Kou ran by the old man, not giving him time to fart on him. However, Subaru walked much slower, not intimidated by the old man's ass. The second Subaru walked behind the guy, he let out a long, juicy fart.

Subaru gritted his teeth as the hideous smell that resulted afterward. He paused as the old guy stood up and turned around, a wrinkly yet evil smile on his face. "Problem, sonny?" he asked in a raspy voice.

Subaru narrowed his eyes at him. "When's the last time you ate some prunes? 'Cuz you need to take a shit ASAP."

Without letting the old dude make a comeback, Subaru went over to Kou. He opened one of the freezers, tossed a few cartons of ice cream into the cart (Reiji was a sucker for butter pecan) and turned to his partner in crime. "We're done," he announced, "let's get out of this freak show before we starting like old-man ass."

OoO

"Hey, guuuuuys!" called Laito when he and Ayato _finally_ decided to join the others at the rondevu point.

"About time! Where the heck were you guys?" demanded Subaru, "we've been waiting here for a good thirty minutes now."

"We got held up," said Ayato shortly.

"Whatever. We're all here now, so let's go ahead and check out," said Yuma, "maybe if we hurry I can go watch some hockey."

They wheeled their carts over to the checkout lanes. Though there were about twelve different lanes, only _four_ were available. And boy, were the lines looong.

"What the fuck is wrong with this store?" muttered Subaru, "why do they have so many lanes if only _four_ are open?"

"Hey, let's check out at that one," suggested Ayato, pointing at the open lane closest to them.

"Dumbass, that's for people with fifteen items or less," snapped Subaru, "read the damn sign."

"So?"

"Bitch, does _this_ looklike fifteen items or less?" Subaru pointed over his shoulder toward their three shopping carts.

"It doesn't matter. A checkout lane is a checkout lane," insisted Ayato impatiently.

"Not if it's fifteen items or less! If you have more than fifteen items, you can't use it. It's common sense! Why the hell are you so _dumb?_ " Subaru facepalmed.

"I guess we'll have to go ahead and get in line at one of the two regular lanes," said Yui, "but both lines are pretty long…"

"Eh, it's no big deal. They should move fast," insisted Yuma, "we'll be able to able to checkout in about…fifteen minutes. We can afford to wait."

 _-A Good Hour Later-_

"You know what? Fuck this shit," said an irate Yuma, grabbing the basket of one the carts and straying from their place in line, pulling it toward the self-checkout machines. "C'mon."

"Where are you going?" demanded Subaru, not moving.

"Where does it look like?" barked Yuma over his shoulder, "we're checking out over here." now c'mon on already."

"Idiot, we can't use self checkout! We got too much shit," hissed Subaru. Yuma didn't stop.

"Let's just do what he says," said Kou, frowning deeply. "I just wanna leave this place."

"Wow, Kou. What's up with you? You're uncharacteristically moody," observed Laito.

"My phone died, I smell like an old man's ass, and my feet hurt," grumbled Kou, "of course I'm moody."

"Well, we won't be going anywhere anytime soon if we use self-checkout," said Subaru, "you see all this stuff we have? It's gonna take _ages_ for us to scan all this."

"And you guys claim _I'm_ dumb," chuckled Ayato harshly as he and Kou pushed the other two carts after Yuma. They parked at an open machine.

Subaru glanced over at the glass exit nearby. Even from afar, he could it was almost dusk outside. "Look! It's nearly _dark_ outside! How long have we even been in this hellhole?"

Laito shrugged. "Don't know. My cell died about an hour after we came in."

"Mine too," said Kou, annoyed.

"Doesn't matter. Just shut up so we can get this done," ordered Yuma, hitting the START button.

"Please scan items," beckoned the disembodied feminine voice immediately.

"Yuma, I don't think we should use either," said Yui lowly as Yuma started scanning their items, "we have too many things."

"You think?" said Subaru sarcastically, "we might as well have went through the express lanes. Self-checkout is for people who have 10 items or _less_. We have at _least_ twenty times that."

"I said shut up!" Yuma glared hell at Yui and then even worse at Subaru.

"I-I'm sorry." Yui immediately stared down at her feet.

Yuma picked up a cereal box and tried scanning it, but the machine wouldn't detect it. He tried again. Nothing. And again. Nothing. And again. Nothing. "Fucker won't scan," fumed Yuma.

"Please scan items."

Yuma tried scanning it again and thankfully, it rung up. Yuma put the box in the bagging area and went to scan the next thing.

"Please put item in the bagging area," said the machine.

"What the…?" Yuma checked the little bagging area. "It _is_."

"Please put item in the bagging area."

"Maybe the censor's just confused." Yuma took the item out of the bagging area and set it back down.

"Please put item in the bagging area."

"IT IS!" yelled Yuma.

"Please put item in the bagging area."

"To hell with this! We're going to one of the regular lanes," announced Yuma, nearly punching the CANCEL button.

Subaru threw his hands up. "We should've just stayed there in the first place!"

Yuma tried ending their transaction, but the thing refused to obey. "Assistance has been notified," it blared.

"Bitch, I don't need assistance!" Yuma shouted at it, ignorant to the vicious stares the others in line were giving them. "Just let me clear out our shit!"

"Assistance has been notified," self-checkout said again. "Please wait patiently." The sign above the machine started to flash.

"Patiently my _ass!_ Kou, put our stuff back in the cart. I'm just gonna leave this piece of shit."

"Okay." Kou took something out of the bagging area, but the self-checkout machine wasn't having it.

"Please put items back in the bagging area," it said, "please put items back in the bagging area."

"Just hurry the hell up already!" shouted an old man, who happened to be the fart-y one from before.

"How about you shut the fuck up?" sneered Subaru. "Go shit on someone." The others behind the old man started to murmur and complain as well.

"Hold your horses, people. We're just having technical difficulties~" said Laito, obviously amused.

"Which never would've happened if you smart-asses just went to a regular lane!" countered a big woman on a scooter all the way in the back.

"Why don't _you_ take your fat-ass to a regular lane?" Subaru yelled back.

"Please put items back in the bagging area," repeated the machine as Kou put the rest of their unpaid groceries into the cart.

"What's the problem here?" A woman in a story uniform finally appeared. Her eyes immediately landed on Yuma, who was still fussing with the machine.

Thankfully, Yui quickly explained the situation to her before Yuma could unleash his anger out on her. The employee narrowed her eyes. "Sounds to me like you were trying to use the machine to steal."

Subaru, who's been too busy insulting the other customers in line, whirled around to stare at her hardly. "How the _fuck_ could we possibly steal all this shit? We literally have three carts full of stuff! We'd be _fools_ to try to roll them out of here without paying."

"Look, just clear out the damned thing so we can go to a regular lane," ordered Yuma.

The employee shook her head. "I'm calling security. You were obviously trying to steal."

" _Bullshit!"_ exploded Subaru, looking ready to claw her eyes out. "Listen to me closely, bitch! We. Weren't. _STEALING_."

The employee narrowed her eyes at him. "I don't appreciate your tone, sir. And I know for a fact you and your party were stealing."

"How the _hell_ were we stealing? We didn't even walk out of the damn store yet!" Subaru gritted his teeth.

The woman's eyes landed on the bugle in Laito's and Kou's pockets. "Oh yeah? Then why do their pants look like that?"

"Uh, because that's my _phone_ , maybe?" Kou took out his cell, waving it around.

"Oh, so what? You need to pat us down? You want us to strip down to our underwear?" asked Yuma sarcastically, "we're not stealing a damn thing. Just fix this broke-ass machine and let us go back to the regular lanes."

The employee glared at them for a moment and then cleared out their machine. Yuma, Ayato, and Kou steered the three buggies back to the other lines, which were still long as hell.

"We shouldn't have ever left our spot," said Subaru, "now we have to wait all over again."

 _-Forty-five minutes later-_

At long last, the person ahead of the guys and Yui finished checking out, meaning it was their turn to go. Just as they were about to enter the lane, the old man flew out of nowhere with his cart, cutting ahead of them. "Oh, _c'mon_ ," sighed Kou, "we can't cut a break."

"Yo, what the fuck, old geezer?" hissed Ayato, "we were here first."

The old man smirked at them. "No, you weren't."

"Yes, we _were_." A vein bulged in Ayato's forehead. "Move your ancient ass out of the way and wait in line like everyone else."

"Hey, you can't talk to an old man like that," fumed a young lady behind them.

"Uh, I believe I just did," countered Ayato.

"We have the right to be angry! We've been here for at least four hours and we're ready to take our asses home. Besides, the old man saw us coming and jumped ahead of us," explained Subaru, pressing his lips together.

"Liar," spat someone else behind the lady, "he's an old man. He can't move that fast."

Subaru stared at him in disbelief. "Are you _serious?_ We _all_ just watched his ass zip in front of us."

"Kids these days. No respect for the elderly," murmured someone else, shaking her head.

An employee appeared out of nowhere. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave if you don't stop," he said with a scowl.

"The fuck are we doing wrong this time?" demanded Ayato.

"First you tried to steal from our store—"

Kou groaned loudly.

"—and now you're harassing an innocent elder. That kind of behavior is unacceptable."

Laito's frown finally disappeared. "Are you serious? We're not harassing him. And how is _that_ the face of an innocent old man?" Laito turned to the old guy, who was literally smirking at them evilly.

"Sirs, if this keeps up, I'm going to have to have security kick you out…"

"Forget about it, guys. Just let the guy go," said Yuma through gritted teeth, "we've been through too much to leave now."

Ayato's and Subaru's jaws set as the old man grinned at them one last time before turning his attention back to his groceries. Yui looked miserable. "I don't want to come back here again," she said tiredly.

Yuma snorted. "You and me both."

"This is why I don't go to public places," complained Subaru, "every time I do, I always run into a problem like this or have to deal with a piece of shit. How does Reiji stand to do this every month? At this point, I'm ready to burn this fucker _down_."

"Shhh." Laito brought a finger up to his lips. "Not so loud. We can't have witnesses, now can we?"

"Would you hurry the hell up?" Ayato barked at the old man, who was _slooowly_ putting his groceries on the conveyor belt. The other customers gasped in horror.

"I can't move like I used to," wheezed the old guy, slowly bending down to reach into the basket. "My back's killing me."

The other customers began to complain. "He's old! Go easy on him!" "Shut your dumbass up and wait. You don't have anywhere important to be."

Yuma sucked in his breath. "Fine. Just let him go, guys."

Subaru clenched a fist. "I _hate_ this guy." The old man bent down to get something at the bottom of the cart, his butt crack showing. "Oh hell no," said Subaru and Kou simultaneously, jumping back. They knew what was gonna happen next.

"What's wrong, guys? Afraid of an old asscrack?" taunted Ayato.

Suddenly, with his ass pointed straight at Ayato and the others, the old man let out a long, juicy, wet fart. Ayato leapt back in horror, Laito's eyes bulged out of his head, Yui cried out and covered her nose, and Yuma started swearing.

"What the fuck was that for?" demanded Yuma. He spun around to face the other customers, who all coincidentally happened to be occupied with something else when the old guy unleashed his foul gas. "Are you kidding me?" shrieked Yuma, "you see it when we're rude to him, but not when he's rude to us?"

No one seemed to hear.

Satisfied by the boys' reaction, the old guy finished putting his groceries up on the belt and paid for his garbage.

Okay, so _now_ the guys could go. No one bothered running past them this time thanks to Yuma's _try me and I'll fuck you up_ glare.

But unfortunately, due to the store's lack of employees, Laito, Kou, Ayato, and Yui had to bag the groceries. "No, no, no. You're doing it all wrong, Ayato," scolded Laito playfully, "you bag the items that are alike together. Like cereal with the crackers, not toilet-bowl cleaner with the pasta sauce."

"It doesn't matter! I'm just throwing the shit in there."

After the cashier finished scanning all three carts-worth of groceries, Yuma handed her the monstrous stack of coupons. "Oh damn, I almost forgot." He turned to Subaru. "Subaru, run up to the counter right quick and get a rain check for powdered goat milk on sale. We couldn't find it."

"Powdered _what?_ None of us even drinks regular milk, so why the hell would we need the flaky kind that comes from _sheep_?"

"The hell if I know, but I don't feel like hearing Reiji's mouth. Just go get one."

" _Fine."_

Mumbling under his breath, Subaru stormed up to the service desk. "I need a rain check," he snapped at the woman behind the counter.

The employee gave him a bored glance. "It's not raining," she yawned.

Subaru stared. "Ha ha," he said dryly. "But seriously, give me a damn rain check."

"For what item, sir?"

Subaru's cheeks grew hot against his will. "P-powdered goat milk," he said, not meeting her gaze.

She furrowed her eyebrows. "We don't carry that."

Subaru furrowed his eyebrows. "My roommate told me it was on sale."

"Well, he lied."

"If it's on sale it's in the ad, right? Just check the ad."

" _You_ check the ad."

A vein bulged in Subaru's forehead. "Then give me an ad."

"We don't have ads."

"Do you think I'm an idiot? If there's no ad, how do I know it's on sale?"

"It's not."

"Get me your manager," ordered Subaru, "I don't have time for this."

"I'm not calling my manager over a dumbass like you, sir."

Subaru was taken aback for a second. She did _not_ just….Oh, she was dead now. Subaru felt his anger boiling within him. He needed to release it.

And that was what he did.

 **OoO**

Shuu's eyes popped open. Where was he? He'd been asleep for so long, he'd forgotten. His looked around, realizing he was sitting inside the limo. He was out? He didn't even remember leaving the house.

He glanced out of the window at the expansive, nearly empty parking lot and the giant supermarket that loomed above it. Shuu's memories slowly came flooding back to him. Oh no….

He opened his door, stepping outside. He looked up at the sky, which was a dark blue going on black. It was almost dark out. But he and the others had arrived around lunchtime. Why were they still here? Unless….

"Those morons," muttered Shuu, starting up the asphalt.

He carried himself into the store. The first thing he heard was Yuma's enraged voice from the registers. "What's wrong with you dumbasses?" he was shouting as Shuu walked through the automatic doors. "Can't you read, dammit?"

Shuu's gaze then drifted over to the service desk, where Subaru was pounding a fist on the glass and yelling at the lady behind it. "I might not shop a lot, but I'm no fool! Just give me the damn rain check, bitch!"

Shuu sighed. "What's going on?" he asked, walking over to Yuma and the others.

"Shuu! What does this say?" Yuma shoved a coupon in Shuu's face.

"'Thirty dollars off with minimum purchase of one hundred dollars,'" read aloud Shuu.

"And what does that _mean_?"

Shuu blinked. "Are you that ignorant? That means you get thirty dollars off a purchase at least one hundred dollars."

" _Exactly!"_ Yuma turned back to the cashier.

"Sir, I can't let you use that coupon," she insisted firmly, "your total isn't one hundred dollars."

Yuma threw his hands up and Shuu looked at the cashier. "Did you finish school?" he asked.

"More like _elementary_ school," snorted Yuma, "NEET here has failed his final year of high school _several_ times but he still understands what this shit means!"

"Sir, this isn't even a legit coupon. You're just trying to scam us."

" _Scam_ you? Bitch, I don't give a damn about your shitty little store. Just accept the coupon!"

"Sir, _now_ I'm calling my manager."

"Yes, you do that. I'm tired of your retarded ass. I need to speak with someone who has _at least_ fifteen percent brain power."

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! JUST GIVE ME THE RAIN CHECK," Subaru's voice rang out from the service desk. "IF IT'S ON SALE, I CAN GET ONE. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, READ THE POLICY ON THE DAMN PLAQUE OVER THERE."

At this point, people were staring and giving the guys harsh looks. Shuu sighed. Why did these guys always have to make such a ruckus?

Shuu turned to the cashier. "Just type the barcode into your computer. If it accepts the discount, then it's a legit coupon," he said in a deadpan.

He then went over to the service desk. "What's wrong?"

"Bitch won't give me a rain check for Reiji's goat milk!"

"Don't worry about it. Reiji can live without it. We'll just leave without it. It's not the end of the world."

"But—"

"We're leaving, Subaru," Shuu called over his shoulder, walking back over to the others. Thanks to Shuu's suggestion, the computer had taken the coupon and Yuma was finishing up the transaction.

Subaru shot the woman behind the desk one last glare before joining his brothers.

* * *

Actually buying the groceries was one problem—loading them into the trunk was a whole other.

"Wait, wait! You can't put that on the bread! You'll squish it," snapped Yuma, grabbing Ayato's wrist before he could set the bag of apples atop the bag with the loaves of bread in it.

"I don't give a shit. I just wanna get home already," complained Ayato, "we've been in that shithole for a good three hours at the _least._ It was lunchtime when we went in and look at the sky now! It's nearly _dark_."

"Hey, I'm just as irritated and tired as you," growled Subaru, "you don't see my complaining. Now shut up and help."

"I don't think we have another room…." trailed off Kou, glancing between the limo's full trunk and the shopping carts. They'd managed to load up two and a half carts, leaving the last one semi-full.

"It's the way you retards stacked the shit in here," insisted Yuma, rearranging some of the bags. "The big shit goes at the _bottom,_ not the other way around."

"Wait, I think it's fine. We can just push the stuff in the front to the back," suggested Kou, "that'll create more space."

" _No!_ " gasped Subaru with mock-surprise, "you don't say! That's common damn sense!"

"Just shut up and do it," barked Yuma.

It took another near-ten minutes of bickering for them to completely load up everything. At last, Yuma closed the trunk with a slam. "I thought this day would never end," he grumbled to himself. "Hurry up and put the carts up so we can hit the road.

"About time," mumbled Subaru through grit teeth, "I'm ready to take my ass home and get back in my coffin."

Kou looked around the parking lot. "I don't see any cart corrals…."

"Let's just take the carts back into the store," suggested Laito.

"And face those crackheads again? I don't think so," protested Subaru, "if I have to step _one_ _foot_ in there within the next four months, I'm gonna blow the damn place sky-high."

"There's one," piped up Yui, pointing to a shopping cart corral in the distance. Since the parking lot was uneven, it set at the bottom of an asphalt-y slope.

"The fuck? Why's it so far? That's like…on the other side of the lot," said Subaru. "I don't feel like walking down there."

Ayato's whole face lit up mischievously. "Who said we had to walk? I have a _better_ idea. How about we race?"

"What do you mean?" Kou was interested now.

"Leave me out of this," said Shuu, leaning against the limo. "Whatever you're about to do is guaranteed to be dumb and to fail."

And dumb it was. A few minutes later, Ayato, Laito, and Yuma were lined a few feet away from the car with the carts, Kou, Yui, and Subaru sitting in the baskets.

"I-I don't think this is a good idea!" squeaked Yui, holding on to the basket. She was in Ayato's cart.

The others didn't listen to her. "This isn't fair. I'm guaranteed to lose, especially since my cargo's the heaviest," complained Yuma.

"Shut up! I don't weigh more than Kou," insisted Subaru, turning around and giving Yuma a hate glare.

"Actually, Subaru, you _have_ gained a little weight over the past month or two," giggled Laito.

"Shut up!"

"Okay! Ready?" asked Ayato, "on your mark. Get set. _Go!_ "

All at the same time, Yuma, Ayato, and Laito clutched their handles, leaned forward, and started running. When they got to the top of the hill, they gave their carts a big, powerful push and they started to speed down the slope.

Yui let out a scream as she and Ayato rolled down the hill the fastest, quickly approaching the corral.

"Ha! Later, losers!" laughed Ayato.

Meanwhile, Kou and Laito were rolling erratically. _"Woohoo!"_ they both cheered, closing in on Ayato and Yui. Kou whipped his head around at Yuma and Subaru. "Eat our dust!" he yelled with a laugh over the wind.

Yuma and Subaru were going pretty fast, but not as fast as the others. "Don't count us out yet!" shouted Yuma as he and Subaru picked up some speed, catching up with Kou and Laito.

"Bye Kou!" Subaru laughed tauntingly and somewhat manically as he and Yuma sped by.

"We're gonna lose! Faster, Laito, faster!" exclaimed Kou.

Ayato and Yui, who were closing in fast on the corral, were surely going to win. "We're almost there, Chichinashi!" laughed Ayato as Yui screamed, covering her eyes with her hands. "No need to be— _OH SHIT!"_

He'd been so busy talking, he hadn't noticed he'd steered the cart off course. Now, instead of zooming for the corral, they were headed for a stretch of curb. Ayato couldn't react fast enough. Yui screamed even louder as the front wheels collided with the concrete, flipping the cart completely over and throwing her and Ayato off. They both sailed through the air for a few seconds, completely weightless. Yui landed on the grass with a hard _thump_ and a few rolls but Ayato flew _over_ the curb, landing in the street and sliding across the asphalt. A sudden incoming car had to swerve out of the way to avoid him, crashing into one of the cars in the parking spaces.

"EVE!" hollered Yuma.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, FOOL!" shouted Subaru at the same time.

Having been distracted by Ayato's and Yui's crash, Yuma accidentally steered off course too and he and Subaru were now headed toward a lighting pole. "FUCK!" yelled Yuma, but it was too late for them too. They rammed into the pole dead on, their collision violently throwing Yuma onto the street and Subaru forward _into_ the pole.

"Are you guys okay?" shouted Kou.

"We're gonna win, Kou!" laughed Laito, oblivious to the others' wipe out (or he just didn't care). "We're gonna—AHHH!" Since they were going so fast, their cart started to skid and sway crazily. Before any of them could react, the cart flew _through_ the corral and the two of them went flying through the air. Laito landed head first and bounced across the asphalt while Kou landed head first in a _garbage can_ , which immediately fell over.

"Fuck," grumbled Yuma, pulling himself up. "That was pretty stupid— _Eve_!" He ran over to Yui, who was just sitting up.

"I'm okay," she said stiffly, wincing. She looked around at the others, who were lying on the ground. "Guys!" she squeaked.

"Eh, they're alright. We're immortals. We recover quickly," assured Yuma, reaching down and scooping Yui up into his arms. "C'mon. Let's go home before we do something else dumb."

Ayato peeled himself off the ground. "I want a redo," he mumbled.

"Hey, at least you didn't fall in a garbage can," pointed out Kou, standing up and brushing the trash off him.

"And at least you _had_ a garbage can to break your fall," added Laito, rising to his feet and picking up his hat from the street. "My head's screaming at me right now…."

Shuu, who was sitting on the trunk of the limo, chuckled to himself. "Told you so. Now let's go home already. You all need a serious bath. You smell like a crusty ass."


	7. Misadventures in Yard Sailing

**A/n: Another quick chapter. I wasn't playing on updating soon, but when I saw the number of alerts I had, I couldn't resist. I think I'm gonna update again at 35 or 36 story follows. I'm trying not to go too fast.**

 **Also, in the reviews, could you guys NOT post story suggestions? The review section is only for reviews on the chapter/story. Please keep it that way. Thanks so much!**

* * *

Reiji Sakamaki was up bright and early.

It was Saturday morning and he was ready for his favorite weekend activity: _yard sailing._ That sounded a bit odd, didn't it? Classy, elegant, and graceful (if he insists) Reiji at a _yard sale_? Usually, Reiji would shudder even at the thought of standing in the hot sun among middle-class human citizens in some random joe's junk-laced pathetic yard, but all of that was worth it for the deals Reiji usually found. He usually discovered antique dishes and sets, all of which he bought for the low-low. The foolish humans never realized they were practically throwing away vintage items that, if sold for their expensively approximate value, would pay all of their debts and even bump them into the upper class. But nevertheless, they always failed to realize this and blindly sold their antiques for at least sixty-sixth their real value. Fools like them made Reiji's dish set collections grow bigger and bigger. But alas, Reiji wasn't the only one hunting for such items. There were other yard salers, each one just as driven and determined as Reiji. There was a saying: "the only bird catches the worm." With yard sales, that was all too true. The earliest people got the best stuff, leaving nothing but useless junk for the latter salers who came in the afternoon. That was why Reiji was ready to go at the first peaks of morning sunlight. He would've been out of the house already, but there was one problem: Yuma wasn't.

"I swear, you can't rely on anyone in this household," Reiji grumbled to himself, walking down the quiet hall. At this time, everyone was still asleep.

Reiji paused at Yuma's room and rapped at the door with his knuckles. "Yuma? Yuma are you awake?" he called. No reply. Taking that as a no, Reiji opened the door and wanted into the dark bedroom. There was a huge lump on the bed—Yuma, who was snoring loudly underneath his covers.

Reiji walked over to the window and parted the curtains, allowing the day's first beams of early sunlight to flow into the bedroom. "Oi! The hell, Four Eyes?" grumbled Yuma from his bed, turning over on his side and yanking the covers over his face to shield his eyes from the light.

Reiji clapped his hands twice. "Chop chop, Yuma. It's time to get up. We have a busy day ahead of us."

"Like hell we don't. I'm sleeping in today," muttered Yuma from under his blankets. "Now leave me alone."

"That is not an option. Now hurry up and get dressed. I don't want to miss out on anything." Without warning, Reiji walked over and pulled the covers off the bed.

"Hey! What's the big idea?" demanded Yuma, slowly sitting up and scratching his head tiredly. "Damn it," he swore, squinting against the light. "What are you even yapping about?"

Reiji sighed. "Your short-term memory never seems to fail, does it? You don't recall last week when you promised you'd come with me this Saturday?"

"When the hell did _that_ happen?"

"Last Monday at approximately three forty two in the afternoon. You were seated in front of the television eating those unhealthily greasy chips."

"Yeah, because I was watching hockey! I probably agreed to go with you because I wasn't paying attention."

"Well, either way, you still gave me your word. Now please, hurry and get dressed. We don't have all morning." And with that, Reiji exited the bedroom.

Yuma growled. "Damn that Sakamaki…" Nevertheless, he dragged himself out of bed. Since he'd only been wearing a pair of boxers, he threw a pair of sweats on over them and slipped into a plain white tee. After brushing his teeth, he went down into the kitchen to find Kou and Yui already seated at the table.

"Good morning, Yuma-kun," they both chorused.

"What are you two doing up this early?" he asked, helping himself to a few early-morning sugar cubes.

"I have to go out to the studio today," explained Kou, peeling a banana. "We're recording a new single today."

"And Reiji instructed me to be up at this time," added Yui, also helping herself to a banana. "Something about…going out?"

Yuma groaned. "Ugh, same here. I screwed up and accidentally told him I was going to those retarded yard sales with him."

"Wait. Yard sales?" Kou raised an eyebrow in confusion. "I didn't know Reiji was into that kind of stuff."

Yuma rolled his eyes. "Reiji's basically an old man trapped in a vampire's body. He's into bargain hunting and all that weird shit."

"Oh, yeah. Bargain hunting is actually a lot of people's hobbies. You might actually find some cool stuff. Honestly, I'd prefer to go with you guys than go to the studio. It's disgusting one outside the city." Kou shuddered. "You _don't_ want to use the bathrooms in there. The company's being cheap again, so they're just using any place that has recording equipment."

Yuma snorted. "I don't even know why he wants me to come. He's always insulting my ass—"

"Yuma, Yui. Let's go. We haven't much time," called Reiji from the foyer.

Yuma sighed. "I so don't want to be doing this shit on a Saturday. Well, c'mon little piggy before Reiji literally busts our asses."

"Right. Bye, Kou-kun." Yui gave Kou a little wave as she and Yuma left the kitchen.

"Bye, guys. Have fun~"

"I highly doubt it," grumbled Yuma as they joined Reiji outside. Reiji, who had on a sun visor, was slathering his arms in sun lotion. "Okay, what the hell are you doing now? I thought we were going," snapped Yuma.

"We are, in a minute. First, I have to take necessary precautions. Unfortunately, immortals aren't spared from the harsh rays of the sun."

"You're acting like we're about to go to the beach or something. It's just damn yard sales, Reiji."

"I know, but do you see the sky? There's not a cloud up there. It's going to be relentlessly sunny all day—"

"We're wasting the whole day going to yard sales," spat Yuma.

"Yes, but you're missing the point. You can get sunburned within a matter of only thirty minutes. I do not intend for my skin to get burned—"

"Okay, okay. We get it. Just get in the damned car," barked Yuma.

* * *

"So why am I here anyway?" asked Yuma moodily as the limousine turned into a middle-class neighborhood not far from their own. He and Yui sat side-by-side across from Reiji, who was writing in his day planner.

"Why else? Your body. You are the biggest and strongest out of the others, so I asked you to come along just in case I find a vintage piece of furniture. Of course, I'm not carrying anything more than ten pounds, so that's where you come along," responded Reiji casually, not even looking up. "Your physical attributes should've been the only obvious answer. Otherwise, I would not be wasting my time on you."

"Gee, thanks, Four Eyes…"

The limousine slowed to a stop along a long stretch of curb. "Okay, so if we're quick, we should be able to visit every lawn before it gets too hot," Reiji was formulating as they stepped out of the vehicle.

Yuma looked around. Nearly every house had a yard-sale setup in the driveway. "Oh, c'mon! That's going to take forever!"

"Then let's get to it. To make this faster, we'll separate; I'll cover that side of the street, you and Yui have the other. Since you two have no idea what the classics look like, just look for anything that could possibly be worth a decent value. If you do happen to discover something, come and get it. Are we clear?"

Yui nodded and Yuma just groaned. "Yeah, yeah. Let's just get on with it already. I don't plan on being here all day…

oOo

"All I see is junk, junk, junk, and more junk," grumbled Yuma, giving the next driveway a quick once-over. So far, he and Yui had been to two different houses and found absolutely nothing interesting. Sure, they'd come across plenty of plates and stuff, but they were all cracked and looked like they were purchased at the dollar store.

Yuma shoved his hands in his pockets. "I don't get it. We don't need any of this shit. We already have enough stuff."

Yui shrugged. "I think Reiji just likes the thrill of it."

"That's still retarded. Who gets excited over a bunch of used stuff?"

They both looked around their shoulder at Reiji, who was across the street at another sale. "Let's just look through this one so we can keep going," suggested Yui, proceeding over to the piles of boxes and tables arranged along the concrete.

"Fine, fine," grumbled Yuma, joining her. Quietly, they looked through boxes of blankets, old toys, and—killer clown paintings?—until Yuma froze in her his tracks, his face twisting in disgust. "Yuck. Do you smell that?" he asked Yui.

Yui took a big whiff of the air. "Yeah. Is that…tacos?"

"More like _fish_ tacos. Come over here."

Yui appeared next to Yuma, inhaling again. She wrinkled her nose too. "Yeah. It does smell like fish. What is that?"

"I dunno but it's foul as _fuck,"_ spat Yuma. That's when he noticed a single box on a nearby table. Suspiciously, he walked over and peered into it. "Oh _fuck,_ that's disgusting!"

"Yuma-kun? What's wrong?" Yui was over there in two seconds. She looked into the box and gave an audible gag. Setting by itself in a big box was a long, shiny, pink, pointy, metallic thing. "Is that a…?"

"Yeah. Who in their right mind would sell a _vibrator_?" Yuma was early as grossed out. "And from the smell of it, it's definitely used."

Yui's eyes widened in horror. She averted her Christian Eyes from the pleasure device.

"Yep, it's definitely used," confirmed Yuma matter-of-factly, wrinkling his nose. "Some bastards are just that desperate to sell _anything."_ He glanced over at the homeowner, the guy who was running the sale, who was talking to one of the other customers. "I bet this used to be his wife's—well, probably ex-wife now, considering he's selling the damned thing."

"But who'd even want to buy…?" Yui was bright red.

"The hell if I know. Look, the joker even attached a little note," said Yuma, just noticing the sign attached to the box. "'Don't worry, cleaned with bleach. Cleaned with bleach my _ass._ That thing smells like it came straight out of a {bleep}."

"Yuma-kun! They are children around!" scolded Yui, looking around to make sure no one had heard.

"Hey, he only wants four dollars for it. You should buy it, little piggy."

Yui' mouth dropped open, legit repulsed. "What? No way!" She looked away, her face flushing dark scarlet. "That's very inappropriate, Yuma-kun," she frowned deeply, not meeting his eyes. "I don't even…"

"Relax; I was only joking. Besides, I wouldn't want to touch that either, not even if it was cleaned in holy water. I bet it's even got an STD on it or something."

"Okay, I think we should keep looking for those dishes now," said Yui quickly, walking away just as fast.

"Yeah. The sooner Reiji buys something, the sooner we can take our asses back home. Hockey's coming on this afternoon and I don't want to miss too much of it. Our boys are playing Canada again."

He and Yui went back to looking for Reiji's dishes. About two minutes later, Yuma found something amazing. He dug a box out of a pile. "No way!" he exclaimed.

"Yuma-kun? What is it?" Yui appeared at his side a few seconds later.

Yuma showed her the box. Inside was a set of five handheld gardening tools, each one made of solid aluminum. The box itself was unopened; the original price tag was even still glued onto the front. Originally, the set had been priced at thirty-seven dollars, but whoever bought it had purchased it when it'd been marked down for clearance at _ten_ dollars.

"Do you know how much this costs in the store right now?" said Yuma, his eyes wide. "It's _forty-five_ freakin' dollars. _Forty five,_ sixty if you buy it online and include shipping and handling. But this only cost ten? That's a _steal._ That's a thirty-five dollar difference! _And_ this is a quality gardening set. It's even got non-slip rubberized grips so when you're using it outside, the damned things won't slip out of your sweaty hands. I _hate_ when that happens, especially when I'm in the zone."

Having little to no experience with gardening, Yui just nodded. "You should buy it."

"Like hell I am. This is a bargain." Yuma was already walking over to the man sitting at the table by the garage. "Hey, how much for this?" asked Yuma, holding up the box.

The man, who was kind of on the big side in nothing but an old raggedy tank top and cutoff jean shorts, squinted his already-narrow eyes at the package. "Uh, that'll be forty dollars."

" _What?"_ said Yuma and Yui simultaneously, blinking.

"I said that'll be forty dollars."

Yui sucked in her breath, knowing what was about to come next. "Are you crazy?" snapped Yuma. He pointed at the price tag. "You bought this thing for _nine ninety nine._ Why do you want forty dollars for it?"

"That's the final price."

"You're out of your mind," spat Yuma, "you're charging _four times_ the price you paid. The original price wasn't even that much when you got it! How the hell do you expect to sell this if you're charging that much?"

The fat guy pressed his crusty lips together. "Are you buying it or not?"

"No hell, not with that price. Your brain cells must not be working, because no one in their right mind would try to charge that much. If you're trying to get rid of the damned thing you _lower_ the price, not increase it!"

At this point, the other buyers were glancing in their direction in confusion/disgust and a few were even watching in amusement. Reiji (who'd decided to come over and browse for himself), on the other hand, was too busy examining a vintage cup he'd just found to care. Apparently, Yuma didn't care either because he kept going. "You are one greedy-ass individual—I mean, you can tell that just by the looks of your fat ass—but are you _that_ desperate for some cash that you have to try to rip off innocent people who are just trying to find a good deal? If you're trying to sale this overpriced shit, you should've went to one of those virtual shops—those jokers get ripped off on a regular— _not_ a yard sale. You have a yard sale to try to sell the shit you absolutely don't want or need before you have no choice but to donate the shit. You don't want these tools, and don't even lie to me and say you garden. With all that blubber on your bones, you probably only step outside to buy some beer or eat out—"

"Yuma-kun, enough!" Yui nearly shouted. Yuma's head whipped around quick, giving Yui a harsh glare. Yui took a step back, gulping. "You're embarrassing yourself," she dared to say shakily.

"I don't give a damn! This fat freak—"

"Get the _fuck_ out!" The fat guy was suddenly standing up, staring at Yuma with pure rage. A few of the passersby gave them a funny look, not even bothering to stop in front of the house. A few of the other customers shook their heads in disapproval and left the yard without buying anything.

"Bitch, I'm not going anywhere—"

"Thanks to you, I'm losing business," the fat guy snapped, his fat swishing around with every sudden movement.

"Business? What business? There was hardly anyone here in the first place! That makes sense, considering all your shit is overpriced. No one's gonna pay top dollar for your old garbage. And I honestly don't think it's the prices that are scaring them away—it's _your_ fat ass. No one wants to buy anything from a walking tub of lard like you!"

"Yuma-kun!" squeaked Yuma, "why are you being so rude?"

"Because this fat-ass is fucking crazy! He seriously has the nerve to charge an arm, a leg, and an ass for his shit. I mean, look at this!" Yuma walked over to where an empty chest set. "He wants _sixty_ dollars for this ugly-ass piece of shit! _Sixty damn dollars!_ That's basically full priced! Oh, and here's a box of little pointless trinkets. _Ten_ dollars. A bag of used socks that's probably soaked in his greasy sweat. _Five_ dollars. And this guitar—"

"Take your hands off the merchandise! I want you off my property _now_!"

"You're nothing more than a big-ass conman," spat Yuma, daring to get in the man's face. "A big-ass conman who smells like _sewer_. How do you expect people to buy this stuff? For that much money, they might as well go to the damn store and buy it brand-new. _Nothing_ here is cheap—well, everything expect that damned vibrator over that. Maybe to teach you a lesson, I should get the thing and shove it up _your_ ass. I don't care even if it does have {bleep} juice on it."

Fat Guy was truly horrified and scared now. "I-I'm sorry, s-sir," he stammered, turning red. "How about this: if you agree to leave, I'll let you buy the tools for ten dollars? Is that a deal?"

Yuma calmed down a bit. "That's more like it. Yui, give me my wallet."

Let this be a lesson learned, kids. Whenever some jerk decided to be a bitch about his yard sale, just threaten him with his ex-wife's pleasure toy. It's guaranteed to give you lower prices; or land you in jail. Whichever came first.

* * *

 **Yard Sale #5**

Yuma was in shock.

He, Reiji, and Yui had moved on to a smaller yard sale further down the street and Yuma just discovered a bargain. Hanging from one of the racks was a brand new t-shirt in Yuma's size for only 50 cent. _50 cent._ According to the original price tag—it was _that_ new—the shirt was originally fifteen dollars, but here it was going for only 50 CENT. _50 CENT!_

"Hell yeah," snorted Yuma, grabbing the shirt. He would be dumb not to buy this. He was about to save $14.50. So this was why Reiji always got so excited about yard sales. Sometimes, if you looked in the right places, you could find quality stuff for unbeatable prices.

Yuma was about to go over and pay for the shirt, but Reiji called him suddenly. "Yuma! Will you come move something for me?"

Yuma groaned. "Fine, I'm coming." He set the shirt down on top of a lamp for a moment and went over to Reiji. "What is it?"

Reiji gestured down at some bicycles. "I need you to move these so I can get to that box of spoons behind them."

"Really, Reiji? You're too dainty to bend your ass down and move over some little kiddie bikes?" Yuma sighed. "You Sakamakis are so lazy. But whatever. I'll do it this once so we can quicken this up." He easily picked up the bicycles and moved them out of the way. "Is that better?" he smirked.

"Yes, thank you. Now move. Those spoons are calling me…"

"Weirdo," Yuma muttered to himself. When he turned around to reclaim the shirt, he nearly cussed—actually, he _did_ cuss—when he saw it was gone from its spot atop the lamp. "What the hell?!" He whirled around, scanning the whole lot like a hawk. His eyes immediately landed on a blond woman checking out a little wooden, scratched-up bookcase. She had the shirt folded across her arm as she browsed through the other stuff. Oh hell no. Yuma wasn't having this. He marched straight over to her. "Excuse me, but I think you have my shirt," he said coolly.

The middle-aged woman turned around, her too-young-to-already-be-wrinkly face creasing in confusion. "Pardon?"

"You heard me. You have my shirt."

The woman—Yuma was gonna call her Blondie for her synthetically blond hair color—knitted her eyebrows. "Um, this isn't yours," she said snottily. "You didn't pay for it."

"I _was_ but my roommate needed me to move something for him. I put it down only for a _second_ and then I came right back."

Blondie snorted. "Sorry young man, but I'm not giving this back to you."

" _Back!?"_ repeated Yuma, now growling audibly. "You just _admitted_ that you saw me with it! Hand it over _now_."

Blondie clicked her tongue distastefully. "Idiot. This is a yard sale. You can't call dibs on anything."

"Yes, but you _saw_ me with it! Being the bitch you are, you snatched it the second I put it down _knowing_ I was coming back for it."

"What did you just call me?" snapped Blondie, pressing her lips together. "How _dare_ you!"

"I'm just calling it like I see it, lady. Now. Give. _Me. Back. The SHIRT!"_

"Young man, you are very disrespectful. And you are in no position to order me, a grown woman around."

"Is there a problem here?" asked a deep voice. A linebacker-sized young man appeared out of nowhere, already looking pissed.

"Yes, Gerald." Blondie looked relieved. "This young man—" She shot Yuma the Bitch Glare. "—is harassing me over a shirt I rightfully claimed."

" _Harassed? Bitch,_ this isn't harassment! I'm just trying to get _my_ shirt back," snapped Yuma.

"Don't call my lady a bitch," growled the beefy man, storming over to Yuma. They were the same height, but this guy was a thick-ass piece of beef. But Yuma was hardly intimidated by his mass.

"Your _lady?_ What the _hell?_ You're dating this ugly-ass heifer?" Yuma stared at him in disbelief/disgust. "You look young enough to be her son! How'd that even happen? She must have money or be good in bed or _something._ I wouldn't wish her crunchy sandpaper-looking self on any guy."

The other customers were forming a circle around them, all of them watching in amusement. A few people from across the street came over, some of them even filming with their phones. Hey, nothing like a good fight on some stranger's front lawn, right?

"That's it!" The beefy dude thrust his fist at Yuma's face. Yuma didn't even flinch; he effortlessly grabbed the guy's wrist, turned around, and flipped him straight over his shoulder no problem. The guy landed hard against the concrete with a sickening loud _thump._ A few people in the crowd gasped, some laughed. Yuma didn't give a fuck either way.

Without giving the guy on the ground a second thought, he turned around to face Blondie, who was already trying to buy the shirt, supposedly unconcerned that her boyfriend was groaning on the ground in pain. "Look, just take it!" she was snapping at the female homeowner at the table.

"Ma'am, I am not lowering the price," argued the homeowner firmly.

"What's the problem?" barked Yuma, walking over.

The homeowner shot Blondie a hard look before looking up at Yuma. "This shirt is fifty cents, but this lady is trying to buy it for only a dime."

" _WHAT?"_ shouted Yuma, pounding on the table. "You're a bitch _and_ a cheap-ass!"

"This is overpriced," insisted Blondie, holding up the shirt. "Fifty cents is too much for another person's trash."

Yuma's mouth dropped open. "What is _wrong_ with you people? This is why I don't do yard sales! First, I had to deal with a son-of-a-bitch who wanted too much money for his shit, not I gotta deal with another son-of-a-bitch who doesn't want to pay _any_ money. And how the fuck is 50 cents overpriced? The shirt was _15_ dollars in-store! That's a $14.50 difference!"

"It's too expensive," Blondie continued to insist, "I'll only buy it for a dime. That's all it's worth."

"Then why do you even want it?!"

The homeowner shook her head. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but the price stays at fifty cents. Take it or leave it."

"Bitch, fifty cents is too much!" yelled Blondie, "that's prosperous! I demand you lower the price!" On the ground, Beef Dude, who still had yet to get up, groaned loudly. Everyone ignored him.

"Ma'am, it's already cheap enough!" the homeowner practically had to yell back.

"Oh, I see the problem! Besides that dime, the bitch doesn't have any money," said Yuma harshly.

"Bitch, I _got_ money." Blondie whipped around real quick.

"Then how come you don't wanna pay the fucking fifty cents? IT'S FIFTY CENTS! Wait, you know what? Give me the shirt. I'll buy it for a _dollar_." The guy on the ground groaned louder. He still got ignored anyway.

"No hell you're not! _I'm_ buying it for _ten_ cents."

Yuma stomped his foot. "JUST GIVE ME THE DAMNED SHIRT." The guy groaned even louder. "AND WOULD YOU SHUT UP BACK THERE?"

On the sidelines—the sidewalk, actually—Reiji and Yui just watched. "I'm starting to believe bringing Yuma with a mistake," Reiji muttered to himself, pushing his glasses further up his nose. "Heaven knows what would've happened if I'd brung Subaru along instead."

Without warning, the homeowner stood up and pried the shirt out of Blondie's hands. "Here, sir. _You_ can guy the shirt," she said, shoving it at Yuma.

"Hey, that's not fair! _I_ had it first!" Blondie was boiling mad now. "It's mine."

"Well, since no one's purchased it yet, it still technically belongs to _me,"_ corrected the homeowner, "now _get off my property_ before I call the police."

"Don't threaten me!" erupted Blondie. Before Yuma could grab the shirt, Blondie seized it roughly. She marched over onto the grass. " _This_ is what I think about your stupid tee shirt." And with that, she dropped the shirt onto the lawn and started pressing and smearing it into the grass with her foot.

Yuma's jaw dropped. _"Bitch!"_ He was about to storm over there, but Reiji and Yui stopped him.

"Enough of that please," said Reiji, seizing one of Yuma's arms. "You're embarrassing me. The last thing we need is you fighting a civilian. And for heaven's sake, it was just a shirt. Don't get all out of shape."

"But it was cheap!"

"And so is she. Now let's go before you appear on the news again…"

* * *

 **Yard #10**

"Eureka!" triumphed Reiji, startling Yui and Yuma. "Finally! I found one!"

They were at their tenth yard sale, in which, apparently, Reiji had finally discovered something other than broke-ass lawn chairs, costume jewelry, and paintings of Jesus. It was an opened box set, marked all the way back to 1832.

Yui and Yuma walked over. "Great! Now let's get the fuck out of here," said Yuma, his voice still laced with the faintest hint of annoyance.

"Hmm. I can't seem to find the price," mumbled Reiji, observing the package. "Yuma, go ask that elderly lady how much this costs." There was only one other person on the lot besides them; an old lady sitting on a stool, looking half-asleep.

Yuma gritted his teeth. "Whatever." He walked over to the old lady. "Excuse me, but how much do those dishes over there cost?" The old lady didn't answer. "Hello? Hey! Are you in there?" Yuma snapped his fingers in front of her face. She didn't even flinch. "Hey! Old hag! Will you answer the—" Suddenly, the old lady held up her walking cane and thwacked Yuma in the arm with it. "Ouch! What the fuck, old lady?!"

"Let me try," offered Yui, stepping forward. "Excuse me, but—" Without letting her finish, the old lady struck her with the cane too. Yui reeled back. "I didn't even get to ask the question!"

Reiji sighed under his breath. "This is why I'm not a fan of humans. Eventually, they all become like this: inattentive, stupid, and unattractively wrinkly."

"Reiji!" exclaimed Yui, frowning slightly. "How could you say that about her? She's standing right here!"

"I don't care. I'm only speaking the truth. Besides, her old ears probably didn't hear me anyway."

And as to contradict that theory, the old woman raised her walking cane again and hit Reiji on the arm. "Apparently so," smirked Yuma.

Reiji, on the other hand, didn't find this funny. "How incredibly rude," he scowled, taking a few step backward. "Hitting complete strangers with her walking stick. That's unruly."

"Hey, you weren't saying that when she hit _us_ ," snapped Yuma.

"You two are different. Unlike you, I am a respectable figure of society who should not be struck with filthy walking devices," insisted Reiji, obviously offended.

Yuma rolled his eyes. "Dramatic, this guy."

"Says the same man who's already been in four fights over things as nonsensical as baby strollers," countered Reiji firmly. It was true; apart from the fight with the fat guy and cheap-ass tee shirt lady from earlier, Yuma had also gotten into a fight with a redneck over an inflatable pool and then with a young mom over the baby stroller she purposely kept pushing in his way. A little bit later on Yui had explained to Yuma that the woman was just trying to get his attention because she liked him. _"Yeah, like pushing your baby's stroller in someone's way is so charming,"_ Yuma had said sarcastically, _"and how the hell is that supposed to attract a dude? She was just making it obvious she has kids, and no dude wants to deal with that."_

"Hey, it's not fault people always give me shit," insisted Yuma strongly.

"Nor is it mine. But I'm just going to let this little incident slide this once," sighed Reiji, "just find out how much this costs."

"Me? Why do I have to do it? You're the one who wants the shit."

"Yes, but if I try talking to this monstrosity again, she'll certainly hit me with that cane again. I don't feel like being provoked right now."

"Yeah, but I've been provoked all damn day!"

Seeing this was going to turn into an argument, Yui dared to approach the old lady again. "Uh, excuse me, ma'am?" This time, she tapped on the lady's shoulder.

The old lady craned her neck and stared at Yui. "Reynolds, is that you?"

"What?" Yui sweatdropped. "I'm not—"

"Reynolds, it is you!" exclaimed the old lady, her old eyes narrowing into slits. "I thought you died in that house fire ten years ago."

Yui's gaze drifted over to Yuma and Reiji. They both shrugged.

"Uh…um…er," stammered Yui. "Ma'am, I just want to know how much that dish set costs—AH!" The old lady delivered a blow on Yui with the cane.

Yui jumped back. "What's _wrong_ with you?!"

"I'll correct myself; this lady is inattentive, stupid, unattractively wrinkly, _and_ delusional," huffed Reiji.

"Listen, you old hag. Just tell us how much those damned dishes cost," said Yuma thinly and loudly, keeping his distance.

The old lady started to mumble her breath. "Damn Nazis. Still trying to steal my golden tooth…"

"Just leave her twenty dollars," snapped Reiji, "I am not going to stand around and entertain this nutcase. I got what I wanted; we're going home."

"Finally, we can leave the bitch." Yuma looked relived. The corners of his lips tugged into a sly smile. "But there's one more thing I want to buy first…."

* * *

"Oi, what's the big idea?" demanded Ayato. It was the same evening back at the Sakamaki-Mukami household and he, Laito, Kanato, Subaru, and Kou were assembled in the parlor as Yuma instructed.

"Yeah. I was just about to take a bath with Teddy." Kanato was equally as impatient.

"And _I_ was in the middle of a good nap." Subaru was just straight up pissed. "This better be fucking good."

"Yeesh, hold your horses. You should consider yourself lucky I even got you something," said Yuma, stifling a smile as he walked over to the closest.

"Wait, you bought us something?" Kou's eyes lit up.

"Yeah. I went yard sailing with Reiji today and I found something totally neat," informed Yuma, opening up the closest and taking out a big box. "It was super cheap and I knew you guys would like it. But there's only one, so you guys'll have to share."

"It belongs to Ore-sama," said Ayato automatically. "None of you losers are allowed to touch it."

"Lighten up, Ayato-kun. Yuma bought it for all of us, which means you'll have to share~" pointed out Laito.

"Yeah, relax, Ayato. There's plenty to go around," agreed Yuma, setting the box on the table. "Enjoy your new present, guys." And with that, he whirled around on his heels and left the parlor, though he remained outside the door so he could hear what was going on inside.

"Ooh, I wonder what it is," giggled Kou excitedly, "I bet it's one of those old video game consoles."

"That can't be it. I don't play video games, so there'd be no reason to call me in here too," disagreed Subaru. "It's gotta be something else. And if you ask me, something's fishy about this whole thing. Since when does _Yuma_ buy us anything?"

There was a pause. 'Actually, something _does_ pretty fishy," said Kou slowly, "do you guys smell it?"

The other sniffed the air audibly. "Yeah. It stinks," said Kanato, annoyed. "It's probably just Laito again."

"Hey, that isn't me! I took a shower this morning!"

"I think it's coming from inside the box," said Ayato, "let's just go ahead and open it." Yuma giggled devilishly under his breath. There was another moment of silence as Yuma heard them open the box. Here it comes….

"What the _fuck_!" spat Ayato and Subaru simultaneously at the same time Kou was exclaiming, "What the hell?"

"Is that a…." trailed off Laito, his voice high with amusement.

"Why do we need this? We're not even girls!" said Kanato, disgusted. "And why does it even smell like that?"

"I think it's used, guys~" giggled Laito.

"Oh _hell_ no," went Subaru. Something crashed to the ground afterward, meaning he just broke something. "That little fucker did this on purpose!"

Yuma started laughing hard now. "He's outside the door!" said Kou.

"Let's go kick his ass," yelled Subaru.

Oh no. Yuma took off running just as the door swung open. "Get back here, dumbass!" shouted Ayato as they ran after him. "You won't get away with this!"

"Bitch, I already have," laughed Yuma over his shoulder, disappearing outside.


	8. Yuma vs Customer Service

**A/n: This is a really, really, REALLY old chapter I wrote a while back. Sorry if it's crappy; as I said earlier, it's old. I'm working on other stuff, so I decided to might as well add this.**

* * *

Yuma nearly pounced on the mailman when he appeared at the doorstep one early Saturday morning with a package in his grasp.

"Yuma Mukami?" the mailman asked, offering Yuma a clipboard. "Sign here, signature there, and initials here." After Yuma scribbled his name on the given lines, the mailman took back the clipboard and handed Yuma the package. "Good day, sir," he said before starting back down the driveway toward the postal service mail truck parked in front of the mansion.

With his new package now in his possession, Yuma slammed the front door shut. "Finally! I thought this'd never get here," he grumbled, walking into the family room where Kou, Laito, Ayato, and Kanato were watching their usual morning talk show. Shuu was asleep on the couch perpendicular to the TV, and Azusa was probably asleep underneath it.

"You finally got it, Yuma?" asked Kou cheerfully.

"Damn straight." Yuma ripped the tape clean off the box. "And about time too. I'm tired of using that piece of shit in the office. It's got more viruses than a prostitute."

"That's because Laito's been watching them nonstop," snorted Ayato, shooting a look at Laito. "Damn pervert. He has so much porn saved to his favorites, you can't even type a URL address in the Internet before the damned thing crashes."

"Hey, don't put _all_ the blame on me. Some of that's probably Shuu's stuff," insisted Laito with a teensy giggle.

"Laito, if you don't stop lying." Shuu woke up just to roll his eyes up at the ceiling. A few seconds later, he was snoring again.

"It doesn't matter cuz I don't have to use the damned thing anymore," said Yuma happily, removing a smaller box and ripping it open to find his brand new laptop battery. "I was _this close_ to thrashing that piece of shit. _This close_." Yuma made a pinching gesture.

Ayato snorted. "It's a miracle _none_ of us have totaled that thing yet."

Just then, they heard Subaru give a frustrated yell from the office. "Damn piece of crap!" And then a loud crash followed.

"Spoke too soon." Ayato smirked.

Subaru stormed out of the room, clenched fists at his side. "The damn screen froze up on me!" he growled through gritted teeth.

"You're replacing that with your own money," Reiji called from upstairs.

"No hell I'm not! I'm not paying for a new computer just for Laito to fuck it up with his porn!" Subaru yelled back. He stormed up the stairs next, defiantly barking at Reiji.

"Well, it was nice having this conversation," said Yuma, starting up the stairs after Subaru. "I'm gonna be surfing the web in my room for the next few hours, so don't fucking mess with me or I'll snap your neck."

And with that warning, Yuma took to his room. "Yeah, baby. I've been waiting for this," he smirked to himself, taking out his laptop. He hadn't been able to use it for some time because his m-effing battery had died, but now he finally had a new one and was ready to binge watch his favorite shows online. He slipped the new battery into the back of his laptop and hit the power button. Nothing.

Yuma pressed the button again. Nothing. He hit it again. Nothing. And again. _Nothing._

"What the _fuck!"_ he swore loudly, "why isn't this fucker working?! _KOU!"_

"Talk to me," Kou called back from downstairs.

"Why isn't my new battery working?!"

"You have to charge it first."

Yuma calmed down. "Oh, yeah. Forgot about that." He plugged up his laptop. "This better not take long."

 **-Two Hours Later-**

"This damned thing still ain't working!" raged Yuma after smashing the power button on his laptop about a hundred times. _"KOU!"_

"Give it overnight then. It's a new battery, so it's gotta power up or whatever. Just be patience."

"You better be fucking right or I'm gonna start snappin' necks _first thing in the morning!"_

* * *

 _The Next Morning…._

"I dunno. Maybe brown isn't my color. I was thinking of dying my hair white so me and Subaru can look alike," Kou was saying.

Subaru, who was leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest, just snorted. "I don't wanna look anything like you," he snapped, "and for the record, my hair isn't white, bitch. It's silver." It was early the next morning and most of the household was gathered in the kitchen.

Shuu, who was sitting on the other end of the table, snorted. "You must need glasses. Your hair is white."

"Good morning, all," announced Ruki, walking into the kitchen with a book tucked underneath his arm. As he was making his way over to the coffee maker, Subaru swept it off the counter in anger.

Reiji, who was grinding his own coffee beans, shook his head. "You're paying for that too."

"For the last time! My hair's _silver_!" snapped the red-eyed vampire, hissing at Shuu and stomping his foot.

Ruki sighed. "Well, there goes my morning. _Again._ Honestly, you need to learn to control your impulses, Subaru. This is sad but, it really isn't a normal day unless you break something. Same with Yuma. It's a miracle he hasn't come in and—"

And as if on cue, swearing Yuma stormed into the kitchen. Without stopping, he reached out and completely flipped the table over. As a result, everything slid off and went crashing onto the floor. Dishes cracked and broke. Food splattered and slid across the floor. Orange juice spilled. Laito's phone dropped onto the floor and the battery came out.

"Oh no!" cried out Laito in distress. "My phone!"

"Yu-Yuma-kun!" exclaimed Yui, shocked.

"Spoke too soon." Ayato smirked.

"Yuma! What's the meaning of this?" Reiji adjusted his glasses, a vein bulging in his forehead. "I haven't even had my coffee yet…"

"What's the matter this time?" deadpanned Shuu, "the neighbor's dog took a piss in the grass again?"

"Actually, that gets on my nerves too," admitted Reiji.

"Even worse!" raged Yuma, desperately looking around with a _give me something to break_ face on.

"Yuma, what did we talk about?" warned Ruki calmly.

Yuma's eyes were wide, red, and deranged. Veins were bulging all in his head and face. His teeth were so gritted, they'd crack if he bit down any harder. His hands were shaking like crazy.

"Oi, who ticked him off this time?" snorted a still pissed Subaru as Yui scrambled to clean up the mess.

"Those stupid-ass motherfuckers!" shouted Yuma at the top of his lungs, stomping his foot over and over like some kind of psycho.

"Yuma." Ruki's voice was laced with threat.

Yuma wasn't even paying attention to his older brother. He was whirling around on his heels, storming back upstairs. Seconds later, he was stomping back into the kitchen holding his laptop. He was waving it around, swearing so fast and uncontrollable it sounded like gibberish.

"Oh boy. Who got on his laptop this time?" asked Ayato uninterestedly, nibbling on his banana as Kou upturned the table back to its original position. "Man, fuck bananas. They make my tongue hurt.

Yuma slammed the laptop onto its surface. "Look at this fucker!" he shouted. Everyone gathered around, anxious to see what had set Yuma off this time. He pressed the power button. Nothing happened.

"Ooh, a dark screen. My life has been forever changed," said Subaru sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"What are we supposed to be looking at?" deadpanned Ruki.

"The fucker won't turn on!" hissed Yuma, "the new battery just came _yesterday_ and the damned thing won't work in my computer! I left it plugged up all night!"

"Really? You nearly destroyed the kitchen just because you got ripped off?" asked Ayato sarcastically, standing up.

"You ripped the living room to shreds when you couldn't fine your phone charger," reminded Laito.

"You did that too. However, my reason was legit. Ore-sama was expecting an important phone call."

"From who? The Grim Reaper?" Subaru glared at Ayato.

"If the battery's defective, just contact the manufacturer and get a refund. Honestly, it's not rocket science." Reiji looked annoyed. "Honestly, you practically break the table for this…?"

"I'll do better than that! I'll track the fuckers down!" Yuma was heated.

"Yuma, that's highly unnecessary. Mistakes are common, you know. You of all people should understand that." Ruki pinched his forehead. "Just contact customer service and get a refund, as Reiji suggested."

Kou, Laito, and Ayato winced. "Ooh, not customer service," cringed Kou.

"You might as well give it up, Yuma," advised Ayato, shaking his head as if this was suddenly a lost cause.

"Just use your laptop with the adapter plugged in. It'll still work," pointed out Kou thoughtfully. "And throw the new battery out."

"I just bought that fucker with my own money!" raged Yuma, "I'll be _damned_ if I toss the piece of shit out! They best believe they're gonna get this shit back if it's the last thing I do!"

Reiji sighed, sitting down at the counter and sipping from his steaming coffee mug. "And so the day begins," he said to himself, his voice laced with self-pity. "And so my sanity is tried once again."

* * *

Yuma was m-effing ready. After calming down a bit and stuffing Reiji's famous waffles into his face hole, Yuma assembled all his resources (basically just his phone and new battery) into the living room. There, Shuu was lying in his usual spot on the couch, Azusa was sleeping under it, and Kou was watching TV with Yui.

"Do you feel better, Yuma-kun?" Yui smiled at him genuinely.

"Don't mess with me. I'm on a mission," grumbled Yuma, plopping down into the armchair by the window.

"Yuma versus Customer Service, Round One," announced Kou with a giggle.

"Shut up so I can hear." Yuma had already punched in the company's number and was pressing the phone against his ear.

" _Thank you for contacting us_ ," the automatic machine was saying, " _if you're calling for the clothes department, please press one. If you want to be transferred to electronics, please press two. If you want to be transferred to our customer help center, press three"_

Yuma pressed three.

" _You have been transferred to our customer help center. Please wait patiently and one of our employers will get in touch with you shortly."_

Then the line started playing that cheesy on-hold music.

Yuma yawned. He was bored of this already.

"Yo, Kou! It's my turn, so move the hell over," ordered Ayato, appearing out of nowhere in front of the television. "I booked the TV for ten o'clock."

"You can't book the TV." Kou wrinkled his nose.

"Check again." Ayato bobbed his head toward the wall.

Sure enough, there was a signup sheet taped to it. "What? When did we start doing that?" asked Kou in disbelief.

"Since last week when Yuma broke the TV because Shuu wouldn't let him watch hockey." Ayato shot a lethal look at sleeping Yuma.

Yuma gritted his teeth as Ayato and Kou started bickering. "Would you two dumbasses shut up so I can hear?" he barked at them over the standby music.

Ayato made a "pffft" sound. "Please. That's customer service you're fucking with. You're gonna be there for a while. Now hand over the remote, Kou!"

Yuma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. This will only take a few minutes."

 **-Two Hours Later-**

"What's taking these bitches so long?" fumed Yuma. It was now noon and Yuma was still waiting for someone to take his call. His end of the line had been ringing nonstop for the past two hours and Yuma was beyond sick of waiting. Plus, he really had to pee.

He put his cell phone on speaker and set it on the coffee table beside Shuu. "NEET, just in case the shits finally decide to pick up, answer the phone," he said with a grunt, making his way to the bathroom.

"Whatever," went half-asleep Shuu from the couch.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Yuma was taking a quick piss. Ahhh. That felt nice. Sweet relief.

"This is the customer help center. How may I help you today?" a voice suddenly blared from his phone in the living room.

"Oi! NEET, answer that!" shouted Yuma, finishing up his bathroom break.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" asked the voice through Yuma's smartphone.

"NEET!" barked Yuma, struggling to zip his pants back up. Without washing his hands, he burst out of the bathroom and scrambled back into the family room. The second he made it back to his phone, the line disconnected.

" _FUUUCK! NEET_ , I told you to answer!" Yuma shot a mean look down at Shuu, who was still sleeping.

Ayato strolled out of the kitchen, stuffing some cookies into his mouth. "Congratulations, Yuma. From here on out, your life is going to be a living hell," he chuckled evilly, retreating upstairs.

"Please." Yuma rolled his eyes. "It already is. Ugh, I guess I'm going to have to call those bastards again. Hopefully, it won't take that long this time…"

 **-Thirty Minutes Later-  
 _Round One_  
**

"Hello, this is the customer help center. How may I be of an assist today?" Thirty minutes later, Yuma finally heard a feminine voice on the other end.

"Look, I bought a laptop battery from you guys last week and it just arrived in the mail yesterday, "explained Yuma coolly, "I charged the thing up all night, but it didn't turn on. This piece of crap doesn't work and I want my money back."

"Okay, sir, so I'll start you down the refund process," began the operative, "first, we'll need your proof of purchase. I might be able to find it in the computer. What's your name?"

"Yuma Mukami."

"How do you spell that?"

"M-U-K—"

"No, _Yuma._ "

? Wasn't that the easy half? "Y-U-M-A."

"Okay. Now for your surname."

Yuma facepalmed. "M-U-K-A-M-I."

"No order under that name is listed in our purchase history. Are you sure that's your name?"

The hell? "Who isn't sure of their own name?" Yuma was getting annoyed.

"Well, that name isn't in our computer, so I was asking if—"

"Yeah, I know what you were asking and I'm telling you that's my name."

"Are there any alternate spellings? There's a possibility someone might've made a mistake when they recorded your purchase."

"So you're saying whoever took my order was an idiot?"

"Sir, just answer the question."

"No! How the fuck does a given name have an alternate spelling? On a birth certificate, there's only _one_ spelling!"

"Wait…hold on. I think I found you. You purchased a battery for your laptop last week, yes? On my end, your name is spelled Y-O-U-M-A M-A-K-U-M-I."

"I wonder, whose fault is _that_?"

"Obviously yours, sir."

"What the—?! No, it's _you guys'_ fault! I can motherfucking spell. Some idiot there just got my name wrong."

"Sir, I don't appreciate your language."

"Look, just tell me what I have to do to get a refund. I have some movies I need to watch online and I'm tired of waiting!"

"Sir, that isn't our problem. It's yours."

And the call ended.

Yuma stared at the phone in disbelief. "What the _fuck?_ " he finally swore, "bitch hung up on me!" He looked over at Shuu, who had yet to leave the couch. "Bitch hung up on me!"

Shuu snored in return.

Ruki, who was seated in the armchair reading one of those hardcover classics, looked up and raised an eyebrow. "Just call again. Hopefully, for the sake of my eardrums, you'll get someone different."

"You mean someone who _actually knows_ how to do their job right," spat Yuma. He gritted his teeth. Screw _everybody._ What did it seriously take to just get on the phone with someone decent?! Swallowing a bit of his impatience, Yuma dialed the same number _again._

 **-Fifteen Minutes Later-  
 _Round Two_  
**

"Hello, this is Caroline. How might I assist you today?" a feminine voice finally asked, replacing that annoying standby music.

About damn time! Struggling not to cuss the hell out of her, Yuma stated the problem icily, "Yes, so I just received this new battery for my laptop this morning, and I tried it in my computer, but it wouldn't work."

"So? What do you expect me to do about it?" Caroline's voice was suddenly irritated.

Yuma's eye twitched as her sudden sassiness. "What do I expect you to do? Give me a refund, bitch!" he barked into the phone.

"Sir, I don't like your tone."

"I don't like your tone either! Just tell me what I have to do to get a damn refund!"

"That's not my department," yawned Caroline, uninterested.

That's when Yuma just _exploded._ "What do you take me for? An _idiot?_ This is the customer help center, so it _is_ your department, you dumbass!" he shouted into the phone. Ruki's eyebrows made a V at Yuma. Yuma ignored him. "Hello?" he shouted into the phone when no reply/insult followed. "HELLO?!" He heard a click and then a dial tone. WHAT THE?! "Bitch hung up on me _again_!" raged Yuma, throwing the phone on the floor in an angry fit.

Ruki rose to his feet. "I think I'm going up to my room to read," he announced, taking his leave.

Yuma kept ignoring him. "Those idiots are stupid if they think they can get rid of me that easy," he grumbled, redialing.

 **-** _ **Another**_ **Twenty Minutes Later-  
 _Round Three_  
**

Yuma didn't even wait to hear a voice—as soon as he heard noises on the other end, he went ahead and explained his problem, "Look, I'm calling about a defective-ass battery your shitty company sent me," he hissed into his phone, "I just received it yesterday and the fucker wouldn't work, so I want my damned money back _now_." He was pacing around the living room, struggling to contain his rage.

So far, Yuma's experience with this company had been terrible. He got cursed at, hung up on, straight up ignored. So at this point, Yuma was ready to fight. He was ready to deal with any shit this next employee was going to fire at him. He didn't care whose feelings he had to hurt or who he had to threaten. Someone was going to _pay._ However, Yuma's world changed when the employee on the other end replied to his demand with—

"Ya wesd rufj dimn uklod doodop." The deep voice on the other end spoke incomprehensible Japanese.

So incomprehensible in fact, Yuma froze. No. He heard that wrong. He had to have. " _What_?" he hissed into the phone.

"Ya wesd rufj dimn uklod doodop." The voice was unmistakably Indian.

Oh fuck. Now they were forwarding his calls to damn India! No, no. Yuma didn't have the stomach for this. He took a deep breath. "Look," he started slowly, "Not that long ago, I purchased a laptop battery from your company. I received it yesterday morning. I left it charging all night and when I came to use it this morning, the battery wouldn't turn on. The shit's defective. So. I. Want. My. Mun-ey. _Baack_."

"Do yghu hayve shfjnpping numueber?"

"What the _fuck_ did you just say?" Yuma furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"Sir, do yghu hayve tde shfjnpping numueber?" repeated the masculine and extremely Indian voice.

Yuma facepalmed. He didn't have the patience for this… "Look. I don't understand a word you're saying, so just speak _sloooowly_ ," he suggested slowly and steadily. "Got it? _Slooooowly_. Now, what do I have to do to get a _ree-fund_?"

"Sir, all yghu hayve to do is sehund uhs tde bahgttfsety andeg we'll gyvu you your munyuh byahck."

Yuma punched a hole in the wall. Man, _screw_ outsourcing! Yuma knew these companies were too greedy to give a damn, but seriously?! There was nothing wrong with Indian people working, but they could _at least_ make sure their foreign employees spoke decent Japanese!

"Sir, arue ygu threr?"

Yuma didn't even dare try deciphering what he just said. "Hold on a minute," he said. He took his phone away from his face. "Yui!" he shouted up at the ceiling. "Get down here!"

Yui nearly fell scrambling down the stairs. "Yuma-kun! What is it?"

Yuma shoved the phone at her. "Explain to the guy I'm trying to return my battery."

"Okay…?" Looking uncertain, Yui took the phone and put it up to her ear. "H-hello?"

"Hello?" someone with a thick Indian accent said back.

"Yes, my friend here has a battery that doesn't work. He'd like to return it please," requested Yui as Yuma started that frustrated pacing again.

"Do yghu hayve tde shfjnpping numueber?"

"E-excuse me?" stammered Yui.

"Do yghu hayve tde shfjnpping numueber?" repeated the Indian.

Yui turned bright red. "Sir, I can't understand what you're saying…"

Yuma facepalmed. "Just hang up," he groaned.

"But your—"

"Just hang up!" snapped Yuma.

"I'm sorry sir, but I have to go. Thank you for your time," she said before obeying Yuma.

Yuma sighed, sinking into the armchair. "What did I do to deserve this?" he sighed, letting his head fall back. "These people are driving me _insane_."

"Just throw the battery out then," suggested Shuu from the couch.

"Over my dead body. I paid good money for that thing, and I won't rest until I get it back. Hand me the phone, Eve. They haven't won just yet."

 **-** _ **Another-Another**_ **Twenty Minutes Later-  
 _Round Four_  
**

"This is the customer service help center, how may I help you?"

This time, Yuma was gonna keep it _extremely_ short. "I have your shitty battery that doesn't work and I want my money back. How can I get a refund?" he demanded.

"Oh, so you're requesting a refund, sir?" went the female phone operative.

Yuma blinked. Isn't that what he just said?! What was wrong with these dumbasses?! But nevertheless, Yuma was getting restless at this point, so he just went along with her stupidity. "Yes. I want a r _efund_ ," he confirmed.

"Okay, sir, what are you trying to get a refund on?"

Yuma gritted his teeth. Seriously, this bitch was _retarded_. "Like I said earlier, I purchased one of your batteries that has failed to work," he answered.

"How long have you had it, sir?"

"A little over 24 hours."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't give you a refund."

" _What_? Why the hell not?!"

"That's not our policy. An item is only qualified for a refund if you either purchased the warranty or have had it for less than 30 days."

Yuma's eye twitched. "I said _a little over 24_ _ **hours**_ ," he repeated. " _hours_."

"I'm sorry, sir, but that's beyond our time frame," insisted the woman on the other end.

"But you just said I have up to 30 freaking days!"

"I did, sir."

"Then I still have time! I can still return this fucker!"

"Sir, _no_! You have exceeded the time limit already. I'm not allowed to refund your product at this point."

"What are you _not getting?_ You said I have 30 days to return this, and it's only been a little over one! I can still ship this back!"

"Sir, don't try to change your words," snapped the woman, suddenly sounding very cold. "You can't play me. I remember _exactly_ what you said. You just said you had the battery for 24 _hours, not_ one day."

Okay, it was humanly impossible for a grown-ass woman to be this stupid. There was just no fucking way. "This had better be a joke," laughed Yuma icily.

The woman sighed like she had a headache. "Seriously, every day I have to deal with these _idiots._ It's nerve-wrecking. They don't pay me enough for this."

Okay, Yuma wasn't playing this game anymore. "Bitch, just put me on with your supervisor," he snapped harshly.

"I'm sorry, but that's our policy and I'm not connecting you with my supervisor."

" _GET ME YOUR DAMN SUPERVISOR, WOMAN!_ "

"Sir, I don't like your tone."

"The hell with what you think, you stupid-ass goofy bitch! Do you even understand the language I'm speaking right now? _NOW_ _CONNECT ME WITH YOUR SUPERVISOR, DAMMIT."_

"Yuma, calm yourself." Reiji appeared out of the office, wearing a scowl. "I'm trying to work."

Yuma waved him off.

"Sir, I'm not going to trouble my supervisor over your own foolishness," protested the woman on the phone, "I'm explaining the situation to you, yet you fail to comprehend. I'm not wasting my time with your stupidity anymore. Goodbye, sir."

And then she hung up.

 **-A Few More Miserable Hours for Yuma-  
 _Too Many Rounds to Count_  
**

Yuma burst into the dining room, where the rest of the household was enjoying dinner. "I've had it!" he shouted, his eyes bloodshot.

"Oi, you're _still_ freaking out over customer service?" asked Ayato between a mouthful of bread.

"The fuckers are insane! They keep being sassy and shit but won't answer my damn question!"

"Honestly, it's a miracle you even got that reaction, Yuma. If someone with such deplorable communication skills as yourself spoke to me, I'd hang up immediately," said Reiji matter-of-factly. He sighed, rising from the table. "But, since it's gotten to this point, I guess I have no choice but to handle the situation myself. I don't feel like hearing you shut into the phone for the rest of the night. Hand me the phone, Yuma."

"Gladly." Yuma tossed it over to him. He chuckled as Reiji dialed the number, drifting into the living room. "Poor Four Eyes. They're gonna give him hell. I almost feel bad for him."

"I almost feel bad for _you,_ " chuckled Ayato, "there's no way in hell they're gonna cooperate with Reiji, meaning you won't get to return your shit or whatever. You're stuck with it either way."

"Well, that's cleared up," announced Reiji, walking back into the kitchen. "If you return your battery within ten days, they'll give you a full refund."

Everyone turned around. Yuma's mouth dropped open. "That quick?" he asked in disbelief, "no way."

Reiji pushed his glasses up on his face. "I told you. All you have to do is speak decently, and things will work out."

"But I….how did…" stammered Yuma, "it took me all day…"

"Just be happy you're getting your money back and go on with your life," deadpanned Shuu, "for the sake of _all_ our sanities."

All of a sudden, Laito burst into the kitchen. "Guys, you won't believe what just happened," he said furiously, "I just purchased my new phone last week and it's already malfunctioning."

Everyone sighed.

Laito vs. Customer Service.


	9. Ruki Recliner's, Part 1

**A/n: Happy one year anniversary! I created this story on this day exactly one year ago. I expected to be on chapter twenty-something at this point, but things didn't exactly go as planned…**

 **Long story short, I lost interest in this story. When I first published** _ **Diabolik Roomies**_ **back in May last year, I was brimming with so many ideas and while it took me almost a week to write chapters for my other stories, I could literally write a whole chapter for this story in a day or two. I didn't even have to brainstorm in advance. Once I sat down to write everything just came to me.** _ **That**_ **was how dedicated I was to this, how in-love I was with this story. But I did something that screwed that up. Big time. Not long after I published this story I tried my hand at** _ **another**_ **story for a different anime and it screwed my mentality up big time. I forced myself to write a story I deep-down didn't want to write and it changed my mind set almost completely. After unsuccessfully trying to write this same story for two weeks, I got frustrated and finally gave up. I quit writing for a small amount of time afterwards and when I came back I unfortunately came to the discovery that my mind was blank. Completely blank. After attempting to write that unfruitful story, all of the good ideas I had for my preexisting stories were…gone. I literally could not write anything. I'd tried so hard to write the Bad Story I obvliously forfeited all of my ideas and plans for this one.** **No longer could I compose those lengthy, amusing chapters I enjoyed previous to the Bad Story. I'd focused so much strength and energy on the Bad Story, a story I NEVER should've attempted, I accidently killed my inspiration to write** _ **Diabolik Roomies**_ **and ALL of my other fanfics. My head was literally empty and I could not write anything decent even if my life depended on it. I tried and tried and tried to revert to my old mind set, to think the way I used to, to come up with IDEAS like I used to. But my mind stayed blank, bare. I fucked myself up and there was no going back.**

 **Skip up a few months and I was** _ **still**_ **unproductive in my thinking. I tried carrying on with** _ **Diabolik Roomies,**_ **the story I loved so much, several times—for MONTHS, in fact. I only managed three chapters and they were garbage (the original chapters 9-11).**

 **So I just stopped trying. As time moved on, I slowly learned to love one of my older stories again and have been focusing on it ever since, leaving this one on hiatus. I left it alone and hadn't built up the determination to actually write another chapter until this week. I think I'm slowly but steadily getting back into my own habits; I didn't have to force ideas this time, which is a really good sign. In the past, I could sit up for a week and brainstorm and get absolutely nothing. And whenever I did get an idea and went to write, all the motivation was sucked right out of me. But not this time. I was actually able to sit down and write this to the end without getting fed up, which is a SUPER good sign. Hopefully, if this chapter proves successful, I will be able to write others just like it and start back updating regularly.**

 **Thanks to all those who messaged me and didn't forget about this story. Sorry to keep you waiting, but I'm back for good. Hopefully. I don't know; I'll see how this turns out.**

 **By the way, this is not the original chapter 9. This is actually the THIRD time I've rewritten chapter 9; the other two were crappy products of my year-long writer's block. So were the original chapters 10 and 11, which have been deleted and will hopefully get replaced soon.**

 **Well, here it is. The official chapter 9! I hope you enjoy, and please be sure to review at the end! Your feedback is what will get me back into the game. Thank you so much!**

* * *

Ruki Mukami was in heaven.

A snug, leathery heaven.

His new recliner— _someone_ (most likely Ayato) had somehow gotten a unknown blue substance all over the old one so he had to replace it—had just arrived an hour and thirty minutes ago and Ruki had yet to get out of it. It was just _that_ comfortable. With soft, genuine brown leather, heat and massage features, and even a cup holder, this chair was far superior to Ruki's old one. Usually, Ruki wasn't one to get attached to his personal belongings, but he was in _love_ with this chair. So in love, in fact, he was actually glad his reckless roommates had trashed the old one.

Ruki felt his lips tugging into a scowl at the thought of his new chair suffering the same fate. The Sakamakis had _zero_ respect for anyone else's things and would no doubt ruin Ruki's new possession in a matter of days.

No. Ruki wouldn't let that happen. Not this time.

He'd be _damned_ if he let the others get their demonic little paws on his recliner….

OoO

"Oi, what's the meaning of this?" demanded Ayato, storming into the living room later. He swept a lamp off a table on his way in. Judging by the glass fragments of a broken vase on the floor, Subaru had gotten here before him. Sure enough, the white-haired vampire was leaning against the wall in the back looking ready to punch to a hole in the wall.

Reiji frowned deeply at his young brother's destructiveness. "You're paying for that," he hissed.

"Fuck you, Reiji," spat Ayato, "why am I even here?" He'd been in the middle of a good-ass nap when one of the familiars delivered a message to him. Turned out the household was having an "emergency meeting" and everyone had to convene in their usual meeting place ASAP. Ayato called bullshit. They just had their bi-weekly meeting yesterday; what could've _possibly_ happened since then that was so important? Certainly nothing that was worth waking Ore-sama up over.

The second Sakamaki son adjusted his glasses. "I don't know. I wasn't the one who summoned you all here."

"That was my doing," announced Ruki from the comfort of his recliner. Looked new to Ayato; he'd "accidentally" ruined the other one. "I wanted everyone to be here when I say this."

Laito, who was seated on the couch across from the one Shuu was sleeping and not-giving-a-shit on, giggled. "If this is about that thing with the tampon, Yuma thought—"

"No hell. Yuma nothing. You know damn well that was you," snapped Yuma from the armchair, scowling at the third-but-technically-the-fifth Sakamaki son. "I don't even know where or how you got an old tampon in the first place—"

"That was you?" demanded Subaru, angry eyes locking on his older brother as Yui's cheeks splotched red. "You dumbass! I have to lie low at school now because of that shit!"

Laito blinked innocently. "Yeah, but you do that anyway~"

"No, it's not about that," cut in Ruki before another argument erupted. "It's about my new recliner."

Ayato couldn't believe this. "I knew this was bullshit," he said at the same time Subaru punched inevitably punched a hole in the wall and growled, "You woke me up over your fucking _chair_?"

"Yes," said Ruki matter-of-factly, sitting upright. "I did. Now, I want everyone to hear me loud and clear when I say this: do _not_ sit in my recliner. For any reason," he said firmly, looking between his roommates.

Ayato let out a cold, harsh laugh. "Unbelievable, this guy. Waking Ore-sama up over a raggedy little chair. Man, no one gives a _shit_ about—"

"Don't try and play me for a fool, Ayato," interrupted Ruki, meeting the redhead's glare. "I know you were the one who soiled my previous one."

"You wish. Ore-sama doesn't waste his time like that. It was probably one of your brothers or Kanato—"

"Don't put that on me," snapped Kanato from the corner.

"My brothers know better than to disrespect me or my belongings," said Ruki with scary calm, "but you Sakamakis obviously don't. I won't allow the same thing to happen to my new one, so I'll say it again: do. Not. Sit. In. My. Recliner. Understand?"

Reiji eyed Ruki's chair distastefully. "Don't worry; I wouldn't dare sit in anything as tasteless as that. It doesn't even match the furniture set…"

Everyone else muttered a response—well, everyone except Ayato. The eldest Mukami son looked at the fifth-but-technically-the-third Sakamaki son with scary calm. "Did you hear me, Ayato? Blink once if you understand."

Yuma chuckled as an offended Ayato glowered at his rival. "Shut the hell up, Mukami. It's just a fucking chair. And so what if I do sit in it? What are you going to do? Tell on me to my mother?"

Ruki just leaned into his chair. "Don't test me. Try if you want, and I'll make you regret it."

* * *

 _The next day…._

Kou Mukami was on fire.

He'd just won his third round of darts against Yuma and Laito, and now they owed him a thousand yen apiece. "How about round four after dinner tonight?" he suggested playfully, following them out of the rec room as they both mumbled under their breath in defeat.

"No way. I'm not _ever_ playing with you again," grumbled Yuma.

"Aw, why not? Afraid I'll kick your ass _again_? It's your fault; you know I'm the king of darts~"

"No, _Shuu_ is," said Laito. "He's never lost a game. Maybe we should pit him against you so he can put you in your place. If only we could get him off the couch~"

They all froze upon entering the living room when they discovered that, ironically, Shuu wasn't _in_ his usual spot on the second couch. No, instead he'd relocated to none other than…

Ruki's recliner.

The blond was fully reclined in it, arms and legs perched on the rests comfortably. It looked like he'd been there for hours and didn't plan on getting up anytime soon.

"Uh-oh~" said Laito.

"What the hell are you doing in Ruki's chair, slacker?" demanded Yuma, storming over. "Get the fuck up." Shuu didn't even flinch.

"Yeah Shuu, or else Ruki's gonna be mad when he gets back~" pointed out Laito.

"I don't care," was Shuu's lazy reply, eyes closed.

Yuma snorted. "Why am I not surprised? You Sakamakis are the most inconsiderate little shits—"

"Relax, Yuma. This is _Ruki_ we're talking about," reminded Kou, plopping down on the couch and switching on the TV. "You know how he gets about these things. He's gonna have Shuu's _ass_ for this. Count on it."

OoO

 _Later that day…_

As soon as Ruki got home from running the errands he made a course for the living room. It'd been a long day and all he wanted to do now was grab a book and settle down in his recliner for a little—

Ruki froze the instant he stepped foot in the living room, his nostrils flaring in the direction of his new possession. An unappealing stench was wafting from it, souring his senses. The odor got stronger and fouler as he approached it. He bent down and took a cautious sniff of the fabric. It smelt like… _vampire._ His whole, _new_ recliner reeked of another vampire's scent.

Ruki's anger flared. He hadn't even had the thing for two days and one of those imbeciles—no a doubt a Sakamaki—had already violated it. That was _completely_ unjust considering Ruki had never once violated _their_ property. He never asked for much of his roommates, either. Just that they cleaned their rooms, got their homework done, and kept their filthy little demonic paws off his recliner. Was it REALLY that hard to honor his requests? Sure, he understood they were rivals but that shouldn't stop them from respecting him. Ruki shared their distaste, but he showed consideration for each and every one of them. He regarded their privacy and possessions _and_ respected their boundaries. For that, the respect should've been mutual. But _no._ That was too much to ask of the entitled Sakamaki brats. They felt like they had the right to do whatever they wanted, to cross any line.

Ruki wasn't having it. Not this time. He'd officially reached his breaking point.

Usually, he would've just muttered under his breath and endured their defiance calmly since he expected it. But they'd gone too far this time. This time, Ruki was going to strike back and teach them a lesson they'd never forget.

He inhaled the horrid scent clinging to his recliner.

 _Shuu._

Ruki pressed his lips together. He was done with their nonsense. If they wouldn't willingly respect him, Ruki would just have to _make_ them by giving them a taste of their own medicine. And who better than to start with than the eldest Sakamaki himself?

OoO

"Whose turn is it to set the table?" called Reiji from the kitchen that evening, triggering a fresh new argument among Yuma, Kanato, and Ayato in the living room.

"Like hell it's my turn. Ore-sama did it last time," insisted Ayato, giving Yuma his signature stone stare. "It's Kanato's turn."

"No, _I_ did it last time," growled Kanato, glaring daggers at his brother. "I remember because I accidentally spilt a little wine on Teddy's vest. It's _Yuma's_ turn."

"Um, you better check your facts, Four Eyes, because _I_ set the damned table last time. It's the _hermit's_ turn."

"I thought I told you to stop calling me that," barked Subaru, making his late appearance. "And no, the human and I did it last time. It's _Laito's_ turn."

"It's my turn for what?" Laito spawned out of nowhere at the mention of his name. "To drink from Bitch-chan?"

"No, you dumbass," spat Ayato and Subaru in unison.

"Wait, I thought Kou did it last time," spoke up Azusa, who was seated on the couch pleasuring himself with his knife.

"Kou wasn't _here_ the last time," reminded Yuma.

"Kou hasn't been here for the past few weeks. If anything, it's _his_ turn," said Subaru with a snort at the mention of his rival.

"Yeah, but Kou's not here, now is he?" said Yuma sarcastically. The idol had left earlier in the afternoon to go to his recording studio.

"Chichinashi." Ayato cast a beckoning glance at Yui, who'd been quietly watching from the sidelines like she usually did. "You have a decent memory. Who set the table last? Surely you can remember it was Ore-sama."

Yui gulped. "Uh, actually it was me and Subaru, Ayato-kun."

"Bullshit!" exploded Yuma at the same time Subaru let out a triumphant/smug "Ha!"

"It's actually Ayato's turn," clarified Azusa nonchalantly as he slowly traced the tip of the blade down the length of his arm, drawing a thin and bloody line. "I remember now. Subaru and Yui did it the last time, Yuma did it before that, Laito before that, me—"

"That's BS. Ore-samadid it last time. _Ore-sama._ I remember. Chichinashi just won't admit it because she's trying to get out of work and Azusa's just trying to get back at me for sabotaging his knife collection."

"That was you?"

Subaru wrinkled his nose. "The hell are you talking about? You're _always_ trying to get out of work."

"Yeah, because Ore-sama shouldn't have to do common chores. He's above that. You guys aren't."

"You know what you _aren't_ above? A punch to the fucking face," snarled Subaru.

"Don't test me, _kid_."

"The fuck did you just call me?!"

"Would someone _please_ come set the table," called Reiji's annoyed voice from the kitchen.

"Um, if it's causing this much trouble, I'll just do it," volunteered Yui, stepping forward.

"No way. Ayato needs to show some responsibility for once," protested Yuma. "You can't always do his shit for him."

"Yes, she can. That's why she's here."

"No, it isn't you moron—"

Ruki cleared his throat, interrupting Subaru. All heads turned to see him in the doorway. " _I_ set the table," he said evenly. "I got tired of hearing you all bicker like children. Since it's obvious none of you are mature enough to handle the situation without making a fuss, we'll just have to start keeping track of who's done what on paper."

Grumbles and murmurs ensued as everyone followed him into the dining room. Sure enough, all the plates and silverware had been arranged on the table accordingly and the wine had already been poured.

They commenced with their evening routine: Reiji serving dinner and lecturing everyone about their deplorable manners, Yuma and Ayato bickering over each other's portions, Subaru throwing an insult or swearword at someone every other minute while successfully hogging all the bread, Ruki and Azusa remaining quiet, Shuu almost requiring Yui to feed him, and Kanato whispering in Teddy's ear about how stupid and inferior everyone was. The usual.

Halfway through dinner Shuu rose from his seat and just walked off without being excused, much to Reiji's irritation. Ruki, who'd momentarily excused himself a few minutes ago, happened to coming back into the dining room the same time Shuu was leaving it.

Without warning, Ruki's leg suddenly flew out directly in front of Shuu, tripping him. Shuu didn't have time to react before his body was falling downward. His face collided with the floor first before the rest of him landed with a heavy _thump._

Stunned silence befell the kitchen for a good ten seconds.

"Shuu-san! Are you okay?" cried out Yui, jumping up from her seat and rushing over to Shuu's side as Ruki casually strolled toward the table as if nothing happened. "Ruki-kun, what was that for?"

"What are you talking about? Don't blame me for the eldest son's inattentiveness," said Ruki impassively, reseating himself.

"You tripped me," said Shuu blandly, lifting himself off the floor. Being an immortal, he didn't have a single bruise; the fall probably hadn't even hurt.

"The fuck are you waiting for, Shuu? The Mukami tripped you. Go over there and beat his ass," ordered Ayato, his mischievous eyes glowing from the excitement of a potential Sakamaki vs. Mukami brawl right there in the dining room.

Reiji glanced at Ayato like he was a fool. "Have you forgotten this is Shuu we're talking about? That's like asking a cow to wash the dishes."

And sure enough, Shuu was already carrying himself away as if he'd already lost interest in the situation.

"Ruki-kun, what's wrong with you? Shuu-san could've hurt himself." Yui pinned her lecturing eyes on Ruki. "What was that even about?"

"Yeah. Does Shuu owe you money or something?" asked Laito curiously, "or did he steal Bitch-chan away from you while you were in the middle of a drink?"

"Neither," was Ruki's casual reply as he knifed his chicken breast into two symmetrical halves.

"Wait. This is about that fucking chair isn't it?" asked Subaru apathetically.

"Oh yeah. We did catch Shuu sitting in it earlier~" recalled Laito.

"I thought I made myself perfectly clear when I said I didn't want anyone in it. But I guess not," said Ruki indifferently, and with a shrug. "So I'll repeat myself one last time." He glanced between everyone at the table blankly. " _Don't sit in my recliner_." A warning. One the Sakamakis obviously didn't take seriously judging their faces. That was fine. Let one of them be stupid enough to defy him.

Ruki would just handle him like he was about to handle Shuu.

oOo

Shuu was tired.

Actually, he was always tired, but this was a different kind of tired. A heavy, unnatural tired for an immortal like himself.

About an hour and a half after dinner, on his way from the greenhouse (one of the only quiet place he could read his sheet music in peace), his legs started to feel like they were made of stone and it felt like he was carrying sacks of flour on his shoulders. His eyelids grew abnormally heavy and his vision became spotty, everything blurring into each other.

Sleep. He needed to lay down somewhere—

The vampire just barely made it back to his room before he collapsed, falling into a deep, heavy slumber.

OoO

Ruki waited a good thirty minutes until he knew for sure Shuu had fallen asleep before striking.

He eased the eldest Sakamaki son's door open to find the blond passed out on his bed, snoring softly and peacefully. He was so deep in sleep he hadn't sensed Ruki approaching his room, couldn't sense him standing in it now.

Couldn't sense it as Ruki closed in fast, reaching for the wire around his neck.

oOO

Shuu knew something was off the second he awoke the next late morning.

Though he'd been wearing the same clothes for two days now, he felt…naked. Like something was missing. Maybe he just needed some music to—

Shuu shot upright in his bed, realizing his earbuds and MP3 player were missing. But how could that be? He kept the wire to his MP3 player coiled around his neck at all times specifically so he wouldn't lose it, but it was gone along with the headphones attached to it. Someone must've taken them.

Oh _hell_ no—

OOo

"Well, I'm officially dropping out of school," announced Subaru, a hellish edge in his voice as he stomped into the kitchen. Most of the household was already gathered there. While Reiji, Laito, Ayato, and Yuma were seated at the table doing their own things, Yui was at the stove humming happily over the sound of pancakes sizzling in the pan.

Reiji gave Subaru a scolding look over the newspaper. "Absolutely not. I won't let you do such a thing and ruin our reputation among our peers. It's already bad enough I have to deal with Shuu's permanent absence…"

"Who gives a shit about them? They're just irrelevant humans," muttered Ayato. "Most of them think we're weird as hell anyway. Especially after that whole thing with the tampon."

Subaru shot Laito a murderous look. "Thanks for that, by the way. People are giving me _shit_ about that. I can't go anywhere without those roaches finding me. In fact, I almost got into a fight with one of the faculty members last night."

Reiji sighed, facepalming. "So I've heard. It's a miracle you haven't been expelled yet. Honestly, Subaru. You have to learn to stop being so reckless. Surely you know Father's reputation—"

" _Fuck_ the old man," snarled Subaru, giving the refrigerator a mild (thankfully) kick.

"What's wrong with him now?" wondered aloud Kou, appearing in the kitchen next.

"He's still upset about the tampon incident~" replied am amused Laito.

Kou rolled his eyes. "Still?" he said before turning to Yui and saying, "Hey, M Neko-chan. Can I have some please~?"

A vein bulged in Subaru's forehead. "Dumbass. You wouldn't be saying that if I told everyone _you_ did it."

"There's no such thing as bad publicity," said Kou, stacking his plate with pancakes. He took a bite and his eyes swelled with delight. "Mhm, these pancakes are good M Neko-chan. What's your secret?"

Yui beamed. "I'm glad you like them. All I added was cinnamon and a pinch of sugar—"

Kanato practically _flew_ into the kitchen at the word _sugar._ "What are you worms doing in here?" he demanded.

"Good morning, Kanato-kun," smiled Yui. "Would you like some pancakes?"

Kanato walked over and eyed the batter browning in the pan. "You dumb human. Those don't look like cakes to me."

Yui's looked at him oddly. "You've never had pancakes before, Kanato?"

Ayato snorted. "Kanato hasn't heard of anything that doesn't have less than five cups of sugar. He better watch out. He might be the first immortal to ever be diagnosed with diabetes."

"Shut up!" Kanato snapped at his brother. He turned to Yui. "Teddy and I would like to try one."

"Ooh, I want some too Bitch-chan~"

"Sure. I made enough for everyone—"

"Too late!" Kou was already at her side, grabbing the rest of the pancakes she made.

"You greedy peasant! Give some of those to me," ordered Kanato.

"No can do, Kanato-kun. They're just too good~"

"That's not an excuse to take the whole damn plate," snapped Subaru.

Just as an argument was erupting, Shuu walked into the kitchen looking pissed. He set his unusually infuriated eyes on Reiji, who scowled at him. "Why weren't you at school last night? It's not like you actually go to class but—"

"Where is it?" interrupted Shuu, irritated.

Reiji raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Oh boy. It's gonna be one of _those_ days," grumbled Yuma, effortlessly crushing his soda can with one hand as Kanato, Subaru, and Kou fought over the pancakes in the background.

"Yep," murmured Ayato, not even looking up from his phone.

"My MP3 player. It's gone," said Shuu, "where did you put it?"

" _Oh._ I thought he looked different~" said Laito.

Reiji let out a sound of disgust. "How dare you," he hissed, rising to his feet. "Are you implying I stole it?"

"Yes. Just tell me where you hid it," said Shuu impatiently.

"I'll have you know, you indolent swine, I have no interest in your filthy belongings. I _especially_ wouldn't touch that vile thing. I might catch some sort of infection." No Kanato was waving around a fork and threatening to use it on Subaru. Subaru retaliated by picking up the hot frying pan.

"Whatever. I don't steal your things so you shouldn't be stealing mine," said Shuu as Yui tried to break up the other fight.

"What are you talking about? You don't have anything _to_ steal. If I wanted your measly little music player I would've went to go buy my own."

"Someone took them, Reiji. Considering how you always—" He stopped short when Ruki strolled into the kitchen. Earbuds— _Shuu's_ earbuds—were screwed in his ears and connected to the MP3 player— _Shuu's_ MP3 player—in his pocket.

"Oh shit," said Yuma. Even Ayato raised an eyebrow.

Shuu stepped in Ruki's path, hardened eyes fixed on his rival (Ayato's rival?). "What are you doing with my stuff?" he asked coldly.

"What does it look like? I'm using them," was Ruki's simple reply, stepping around the vampire. "Subaru, please put that frying pan down before you burn someone."

"Shut the fuck up. I don't take orders from you."

Reiji glared at Shuu. "I believe you owe me an apology."

Shuu, who never took his eyes off Ruki, ignored his brother. "Give me my stuff." An order.

Ruki sat down at the table. "No."

"Wait. Someone doesn't make sense," said Ayato, rising as Ruki and Shuu had a stare-off. "Shuu, how the hell did Ruki manage to swipe your shit? You should've sensed him coming a mile away."

"That's because he didn't," said Ruki. "He was knocked out cold last night. That's why he didn't come to school."

Shuu's eyes narrowed. "It was you. That's why you set the table; so you could slip something in my drink."

"That might've been the case," said Ruki simply.

Now it was Kou's turn to stand. "Whoa whoa whoa. _What?_ What happened last night?"

"He drugged me."

Yui's eyes bulged with horror. "What?"

"No, I just slipped a few sleeping pills into his drink," corrected Ruki, "so he'd pass out so I could get my revenge."

Shuu blinked. " _That's_ what this is about? Because I sat in your _chair_?"

Kou smirked at Laito. "Told ya."

"Precisely. You ignored my warning so I'm teaching you a lesson. By the way, I had no idea you were into classical music. Being a deadbeat with absolutely no skills or interests, I didn't think you had a preference. I thought I was going to find something perverted on here."

"You gotta go deeper in his playlist~" said Laito.

Reiji looked at Ruki distastefully. "I can't believe you actually put those things on after Shuu. They probably have a horrific amount of earwax on them considering Shuu doesn't know how to wash himself."

Ruki shrugged. "I disinfected them first."

"Give me my stuff," repeated Shuu.

Ruki smirked. "You don't like it, do you? My using your personal things. That's exactly how I felt when I came home yesterday to find my chair reeking with your scent."

"Dramatic much? News flash, Mukami: _it's a chair_ ," said Subaru, who, thankfully, no longer had the frying pan in his grasp.

"Hey now Subaru, you're not one to talk. Remember that time I accidentally scratched your coffin? You almost burned the house down~" reminded Laito.

"Shut up. That was legit since I don't own shit else."

" _Give. Me. My. Stuff."_

Ruki narrowed his eyes. "Only if you apologize and swear to never sit in my recliner again."

Shuu was straight up annoyed now. "Fine. Whatever. I'm sorry for sitting in your chair. I won't do it again. Happy now, you pain in the ass?"

Ruki responded by throwing his headphones and music player at Shuu, who surprisingly caught it with fast reflexes. "That's all I wanted to hear," he said, walking out and continuing with the rest of his day.

"Yeesh," murmured Yuma, "you don't fuck with Ruki."

* * *

 _A few days later…_

Out of all of Subaru's roommates, Yuma had to be the dumbest.

His theory was confirmed yet again when he went down to the kitchen for an in-between-naps snack. Kanato was the only one in the kitchen, his eyes glued to Kou's electronic tablet. Oh, so _that's_ where it went. The idol had been looking for it for days now.

Not paying him any attention, Subaru walked straight over to the refrigerator. He checked the top of it—Yuma's sugar cookies weren't there anymore, but Subaru had already anticipated that. He snorted to himself. Yuma wasn't one-upping anybody. Sure, he might've hid his cookies someplace else, but Subaru had been stealing his shit since they first moved in together, so he knew one thing to be true: whenever Yuma stashed his stuff, he _never_ hid them far from the original hiding place.

Thus, since he last had his cookies on the top of the fridge before Subaru raided them, where they were now had to be in close proximity to the refrigerator. Subaru looked around. "If I was dumbass Yuma, where would I hide my shit?" he murmured to himself. His eyes landed on the island in the center of the kitchen. _"Bingo."_ He crouched down and opened one of its cabinets. Subaru pushed aside a few of the pots and pans and sure enough, _bingo!_ A florally decorated box set in the corner. Subaru smirked to himself. He was on point every damn time.

Subaru didn't waste time in stuffing his hand into the box and grabbing a handful of cookies. He shoved them all into his mouth. "Want some?" he asked Kanato between a mouthful, holding up the box. Kanato would be raiding Yuma's cookies too but he wasn't as intelligent as Subaru (Subaru's words, not mine) and could never pin point Yuma's hiding spots. So basically, he was only ever going to get some if Subaru was kind enough to share. Usually, Subaru didn't give Kanato's sweet obsession two shits, but the box was full, so why not? Besides, Subaru wanted to enrage Yuma even more by getting rid of most of his cookies. Yuma didn't play about his cookies.

"Sure," said Kanato distantly, not looking up. "But after I finish this level…"

"What is that shit anyway?" snorted Subaru, walking over and looking over Kanato's shoulder. He was playing some kind of candy matching game.

Kanato grumbled a reply, tracing his fingers along the screen as he "crushed" some candy. After the level was complete, Kanato snatched the box of cookies from Subaru. "It's one of the best things that ever happened to me," he said, stuffing his face with the sugar-coated treats. "Besides Teddy. It brought a new light into my world." His eyes were literally dazzling.

Subaru snatched the box of cookies back. "Have fun with that weirdo," he snorted, eating a few more cookies before returning the now near-empty box to its original hiding place just as Ayato was walking in.

He went over to the refrigerator, opened it, rummaged through it, and cursed. _"What the hell?"_ He whirled around. "Where the hell's my takoyaki?"

Subaru's eyebrows furrowed. "What takoyaki?"

"I had some leftover from last week," said Ayato impatiently, "I put it in here and it's gone now."

"Dumbass," said Subaru, "first of all, you _never_ put your shit in the refrigerator unless you want Yuma's big ass gobbling it up. Second of all, who'd even want that week-old shit?"

" _I_ do. Now where the hell is it?"

"Why are you asking me? You know I don't eat that shit."

"I saw Ruki throw it out earlier," said Kanato distantly, more focusing on the game he was playing.

Ayato's face contorted with anger. _"What?_ That was _mine._ Who told that fool to throw it out?"

"Just annoy the fuck out of Reiji until he makes you some more," said Subaru, "like you usually do."

Ayato's lips curled up into a devilish grin. "I got an even better idea," he said before strolling out of the kitchen.

"He's up to something," said Kanato, who had yet to look up.

Subaru wrinkled his nose. "So? I don't give a damn. That's not my problem." Now if you'd excuse him, his coffin was calling his name. He was on his way to answer that call when he crossed over into the living and saw—

"You're fucked," Subaru said to Ayato the second he saw him. The redhead perched in Ruki's recliner.

Ayato grinned evilly. "It's only fair. He throws out my takoyaki, I sit in his precious chair."

"You _do_ know he's gonna flip the fuck out when he finds out you sat in it, right?"

"So? Do you think I care?"

"I sure as hell don't. And I _definitely_ don't care if you get your ass handed to you, either. You saw what he did to Shuu."

Ayato rolled his eyes. "That's because Shuu is an easy target. Ruki's not stupid enough to try anything on Ore-sama."

OoO

 _Wrong move, Ayato_ , Ruki thought to himself as he entered the Sakamaki's room two days later. The redhead was out no doubt doing something pervy with Laito, so now was the perfect time to strike. Though he was always boasting about his smarts, Ayato certainly was dumb. Did he really think he was off the hook just because Ruki didn't act right away? And out of all people, Ayato should've been the _last_ one to defy him.

What was he thinking violating Ruki's recliner when Ruki could just turn around and do the same to his beloved iron maiden?


	10. The Date

**A/n: Happy 2019!**

 **Sorry for the eight-month long hiatus. At first, I thought it was going to be indefinite, I think I've finally managed to overcome my writer's block; it only took me a little over a week to write this chapter instead of a few months, which is a good thing and something I haven't been able to do since 2017. I was able to write a full chapter without a headache for the first time in a year and I actually had fun doing it. Hopefully, I'll have a similar success with future chapters, which'll result in more frequent updates. May will mark two years since I published this story, and I aim to have at least 15 chapters by then. Wish me luck, and enjoy (my second or third attempt at) chapter 10! May 2019 be a productive year for us all! Hope this came out okay…**

 **(Don't worry. Part 2 of Ruki's Recliner is coming out soon. Hopefully.)**

* * *

Ayato Sakamaki was bored out of his mind.

He walked the length of the expansive driveway, idly bouncing a basketball. The sound from the impact of rubber meeting stone did nothing to silence the dull roaring in his head.

Holy _shit_ he was bored.

In the distance, the sun was sinking below the horizon, bathing the sky in a majestic blend of gold, wispy pink, and tangerine orange. At the base of the bleeding colors, the dark blue hue was deepening to a light indigo at the edges, ushering in the budding night and an energy that made Ayato's body hum with power—a vampire's vigor. As dusk yielded to darkness, his full power yawned awake inside him, filling him with a pristine energy he didn't know what to do with. Today had been a disappointingly uneventful day. While most of his lame brothers had slept through it, Ruki and Reiji had kept to their own quarters to do whatever old-man things they usually did, and Kou was still out recording those god-awful songs he tortured Ayato's eardrums with on a daily basis (one of these, Ayato was going to end up ripping his vocal chords straight out of his chest. That is, if Subaru didn't beat him to it). Ayato would've passed the time by playing with Chichinashi (specifically her amusingly fragile body), but she was under strict orders from the Silverware Otaku to study her math textbook indefinitely. Normally, Ayato wouldn't give Reiji's commands two shits but the four-eyed freak had threatened not to make takoyaki if Ayato bothered Yui, a risk the redhead didn't take lightly. Reiji was the only one who knew how to make the dish just the way he liked it and no one—not even Chichinashi—came between him and his food. So Ayato left her alone, forced to spend the day moping around the mansion.

He'd came out here hoping a round of basketball would calm this damning boredom, but all it'd managed to do was make it worse. Ayato was close to the breaking point and if something didn't happen soon, he'd have to make his own entertainment _his_ way. And the last time he took his frustration out on the mansion and its residents, Reiji found himself on his hands and knees digging up the yard in search of his precious tableware and Laito ended up checking into a hotel for a week until the exterminator could get rid of the grasshoppers overrunning his room, to say the least. Ah, good times. There was nothing Ayato enjoyed more than making his roommates' lives miserable (besides drinking from Chichinashi). Maybe it was time to indulge in a little bit of mischief again; after all, nothing was sure to make Ayato happier than the execution (and product) of a good prank.

He was in the midst of calculating how many jars of peanut butter it'd take to completely fill all of Kou's shoes when Yuma appeared from the side of the mansion, hauling the water hose across the front lawn as he cursed it under his breath. He didn't even acknowledge Ayato as he aimed the water at the flower beds.

"Wanna shoot some hoops?"offered Ayato, because he was _that_ bored. To the point he'd openly associate with the Mukami barbarian.

"No, can't you see I'm working?" murmured Yuma as he doused the tulips.

Ayato rolled his eyes. "Why don't you just hire a gardener already?"

Yuma snorted, not looking away from the flowers. "That's you Sakamakis' solution to everything, isn't it? You're such brats you can't even do the simplest of work. You're first instinct is to pay someone else to do it for you. I bet you'd even hire someone to help you take a piss if you could."

Well, someone was in a shitty mood. This was nothing new; Yuma wore aggravation the way girls wore perfume. Usually, Ayato would've dismissed his caveman-like attitude, but he was geared up for a verbal sparring match. Who knows; perhaps it'd lead to a physical one. This wouldn't be the first time he and the Mukami got into it. Either way, the redhead was itching for confrontation, for some much-needed action.

He scoffed. "Says the guy who can't even land his own in the toilet. Honestly, your aim is piss-poor." Get it? Piss-poor? Sometimes Ore-sama cracked himself up. "It's a miracle you can even hold the hose straight."

Yuma growled. "Oh, I can hold it straight all right. Straight at _you."_ With a supernatural speed gifted to him by the dawning night, Yuma half-turned, pointing the water flow at the third-but-technically-the-fifth Sakamaki son just as Ayato knew he would.

Ayato danced out of the way with a similar swiftness, avoiding the water that splattered on the driveway by a wide margin. "Ha, _missed_ ," he taunted.

Though Yuma had gone back to watering the flowers, thus turning his back to Ayato, the redhead knew his face was a portrait of irritation. "Whatever," he spat, "I wasn't even trying."

Ayato was not done poking fun at him. "I sure hope not," he said, toss the ball into the air and spinning it on his fingertip. "Because that was pathetic. I'm not wet in the slightest. Wanna try again? Maybe you'll get lucky this time and almost hit me."

Yuma exploded, wheeling around. "No, I don't want to try again! I'm not in the mood to play games with you, Sakamaki. What the hell are you even doing out here anyway?"

"What does it look like? I'm brushing up on my skills. Practicing my—"He paused for emphasis, leaping as he tossed the ball forward. Even at an angle, it sailed right through the net. "Shooting."

It was Yuma's turn to roll his eyes at Ayato's gloating display. "So you can shoot a basketball. Big whoop."

"That's more than you can say. I bet you can't make one shot."

"Tch, keep telling yourself that. It's not like it requires skill. Literally anyone can do it."

Ayato pounced. "Then prove it."

"No, I got stuff to do. Besides, I don't have to prove anything to anyone—especially not to a Sakamaki." He was concentrating the water on a different bed now.

"What's wrong? Afraid of embarrassing yourself in front of Ore-sama?" Ayato had made an art of provoking people.

"Man, I don't give a shit about you. In case you haven't gotten it through your dense skull, everything doesn't revolve around you."

"Sounds to me like you just don't wanna admit you can't do it. It's alright, Mukami. You're not a worthy opponent anyway. You or anyone can't possibly hope to best Ore-sama at anything. He's superior in all aspects; not even a grizzly like you can stand up to him. In fact, I bet y—"

"Oh my god, _shut up_! _"_ Yuma threw down the hose and spun around to face Ayato with rage-engulfed eyes. He reached out and snatched the ball from him. "Fine, I'll make the damn shot, but only under _one_ condition: you shut the hell up for a week."

An opportunity presented itself and Ayato leapt at it. "Okay, how about this," he said, "you get five attempts. If you make one, just one since you lack Ore-sama's talent, I won't say a word until this time next week. _But,_ if you _don't_ get a single one, you have to—"Ayato paused to think up a good challenge. When one sprang to mind, he grinned like a hellion. "—go on a date with a girl of my choosing."He was a fucking _genius_.

Yuma wrinkled his nose. "No way! I'm not an idiot; you just want to set me up with an old hag or something. Besides, that's not fair. Your dare isn't nearly as extreme as mine."

"Alright, fine. If you can make at least one basket, I won't talk for one whole month. _Straight._ "

Yuma narrowed his eyes, suspicion and disbelief painting his face. "You're up to something, aren't you? Why else would you agree to something like that?"

"Because I know I'm gonna win regardless," said Ayato matter-of-factly. I told you: you're aim is shitty. You're _destined_ to lose."

"Is that so?" Yuma smirked. "I'm gonna make you _eat_ those words."

"So it's a bet?"

"Hell yeah. If it means I won't have to hear you run your trap for a month I'll gladly risk it. Besides, it's only one basket. Out of five shots, I'm bound to make at least one."

Ayato grinned. "We'll see."

Yuma planted himself a decent distance away from the basketball hoop, readying to make his first throw. Above them, most of the sky's brilliant coloring had darkened to a faint rotten-plum shade, casting a shadow down on the world below. Neither vampire bothered going to turn on the front lights; they didn't need them. With the birth of night came stronger, heightened senses, especially in the nose and eyes. If anything, the dark would only assist Yuma with his accuracy given all immortals had crystal-clear night vision that trumped their daytime sight.

Donning a sloppy form, Yuma barely gave himself time to concentrate before aiming the ball at the hoop. It bounced off the side of it.

Ayato made a buzzer sound. "Fail."

Yuma shot him a scalding look as he went to recollect the ball from the grass. "Shut up. That was only a warm-up."

"Sure it was," said Ayato sarcastically as the Mukami retook his position.

This time, he took a moment to steady himself, gain a little bit more control. After a moment of meditation, he held up the ball and threw it with a little less power, letting it fly from his fingertips.

Again, it ricocheted off the rim.

Another buzzer sound. "Fail."

Grumbling, Yuma snatched up the basketball, spitting, "Don't get ahead of yourself. I still have three shots left." Standing at the invisible free-throw line, Yuma bounced the ball a few times as if that would somehow help his precision. "Third time's a charm," he muttered before letting it go.

It banged against the backboard, missed the hoop, and thudded against the ground before rolling down the driveway.

"Or not," said Ayato as Yuma made to retrieve it. "Seriously, you might as well go ahead and give it up."

Yuma ignored him. On his fourth shot, he threw the ball with less power and more care, aiming lower. No matter, he got the same result.

" _Fail"_ went Ayato with a taunting laugh. "One more, Mukami. What happened to 'anyone can do it?'"

"You be quiet!" Yuma was red-faced, obviously pissed. It showed in his stance as he readied for his last shot. He stood motionless for a moment as if trying to gauge the trajectory of his impending shot.

After two minutes passed, Ayato started to get impatient. "C'mon already. I don't have all damn night."

"I said be quiet, asshole!" Gritting his teeth, Yuma throw the basketball and Ayato knew the impure vampire had lost before the ball was even halfway to the hoop. He'd thrown it with too much force and as a result, the ball slammed against the backboard again, cracking the glass. It ping-ponged back at Yuma, sailing over the net, missing.

Ayato was laughing his ass off now, and steam was nearly coming out of Yuma's ears.

Infuriated, he seized the ball. _"FUCK,"_ he roared, hurling it at the house with rage-fueled strength.

It went through a window.

Ayato was beside himself with laughter as the sore loser stormed off and Reiji marched outside. The two immediately launched into a heated argument right there in the yard, but Ayato didn't heed them over his hilarity.

Oh man, he couldn't _wait_ for this weekend—

xXX

 _Saturday Evening_

Yuma was pissed beyond belief.

He'd hoped a nap would help, but he woke up to find himself just as irritated as he had been five hours, somehow more. He turned over on his side, glaring at the clock.

7:15.

Ugh.

Grumbling, he lugged himself out of bed and went straight for his closet. Reaching for the first non-wrinkled dress shirt he saw, he nearly ripped it in two as he forcefully yanked it off its hanger. Cursing Ayato under his breath, he threw it on and changed into some newer pants.

Time to get this over with.

Much to the Mukami's everlasting annoyance, Ayato had been dangling their bet over his head all damn week, and Yuma wanted nothing more than to go ahead and put this all behind him. Besides, it was just an insignificant date. While he had no doubt Ayato had paired him up with someone insufferable, it was just a measly date. It wasn't the end of the world. Though it pained him to know he'd lost to a Sakamaki, a bet was a bet and he wouldn't make a fuss about it. Unlike those whiny brats, he would stay true to his word and go through with his end of the deal. That didn't mean he had to be happy about it, though.

Without giving his appearance a second glance in the mirror, he flung his door open and stormed outside. He was halfway to the stairs when he came across Kou in the hallway, contributing to his irritation. It'd been his original plan to quietly slip out of the mansion without anyone, specifically his brothers, noticing. He didn't give a shit about the Sakamakis; his comings and goings were not their business, and he didn't have to tell them shit. But his brothers were a different story.

Upon assessing younger brother's attire, which wasn't anything fancy but more than usual, he froze abruptly. "And where're you off to this fine Saturday evening?" he asked, practically radiating curiosity.

Oh great.

"Nowhere in particular," said Yuma evasively, "I just need to get out of the house for a little bit. I'll be back in a few hours." He made to proceed down the corridor, but Kou sidestepped in his way.

"Could it be my little brother has a _date_?" he said with a grin, waggling his eyebrows.

Yuma's face flushed against his will. "W-what? No—I'm…just tired of being cooped up in here. You're not the only one who can come and go as he pleases." He tried to leave, but his brother blocked his path again.

"You _do_ have a date," he said, almost excitedly. "C'mon, spill. Who is she? Do I know her?"

"Dude, just let me through! I have somewhere to be—"

"...What's going...on?" Azusa spawned out of nowhere, glancing Yuma up and down. "You look...nice."

"Doesn't he?" Kou winked at Azusa. "Our Yuma's going to get laid."

"...Cool..."

"Look, as fun as this was, I gotta go," announced Yuma, biting down on his impatience. Brushing past his brothers, he grumbled, "Later."

"Good luck, man. I want all the juicy details when you get back," called Kou as Yuma continued down the hallway. Annoying, that guy. Always sticking his nose in Yuma's business.

Muttering to himself once more, Yuma marched downstairs. Fuck luck; tonight was going to be disastrous.

This was all but confirmed when he met Ayato in the greeting hall.

The redhead was waiting for him, grinning the same devious smile he'd donned all week. "Ready for tonight?" he asked smugly, holding his hands behind his back.

"Fuck you," spat Yuma, "now who the hell am I supposed to look for when I get to the place?" Because, being the bastard he was, Ayato had decided to "drag out the suspense" by refusing to inform Yuma about "the lucky girl" until the day of. He'd gone all out and even booked Yuma a table at a five-star restaurant in town, refusing to make this anything short of difficult for Yuma.

"You don't have to look for anyone because you're bringing your date with you."

"What? You mean she's coming over _here_?" Ayato couldn't be _that_ stupid.

"Technically, she _lives_ here," clarified Ayato.

Okay, now Yuma was confused. "Wait, so I'm going out with the piglet?" That wouldn't be so bad, he guessed. A night with Yui trumped a night with a stranger, even if he did have to put up with her squealing.

Ayato's grin was that of fiendish delight. "Nope." And without warning, he whipped out something from behind his back.

For a second, Yuma just stared at it in disbelief. He couldn't believe his eyes.

It was Teddy.

In a pink dress.

And a blond wig.

What the…?

Realization dawned like morning sun.

No.

 _Hell_ no.

"Is this some kind of joke?" asked Yuma slowly, calmly, tone defying the rage stirring inside him. This was not what he signed up for.

"Would I go through the trouble of knocking Kanato out, stealing his precious stuffed animal, and stuffing it in a dress if this was a joke?" He was honestly serious. He honestly expected Yuma to take _Teddy_ to a classy restaurant. _In public._

This was where Yuma drew the line. "I'm not going anywhere with that thing," he growled.

"Too bad, you kind of have to," said Ayato matter-of-factly, smirking. "We made a bet, remember? And you lost. So you have to honor your end of the deal."

"Which clearly states I have to go out with a _girl,_ as in a living, breathing human," countered Yuma, "a stuffed bear is neither of those things. Besides, isn't Teddy a guy?"

"It's an inanimate object, so it can classify as either gender," corrected Ayato, "don't tell Kanato that, though. He'll throw a fit. Speaking of Kanato, you'd better go and come back before he wakes up. He's gonna raise hell when he finds out Teddy's missing."

"He's not gonna do anything because _I'm_ not doing anything. This is not what we agreed on and you know it."

Ayato rolled his eyes. "You knew what you were getting into when we made the bet, so don't act all surprised now that you have to deal the consequences."

Yuma gritted his teeth. "Why you…"

Ayato was soaking this right up. "What's wrong? Don't tell me you want to chicken out. What, afraid of what everyone will think of you? You're more sensitive than I thought."

Though he knew Ayato was pushing his buttons, Yuma still fell into his snare. "You know I don't give a damn about the mortals' opinions—"

"Then accept your fate and go on. It's just dinner anyway. It's not like I asked you to _marry_ the damn thing. Sure, the humans may judge you and think you're a madman, but in the end they don't matter, right? All that _does_ matter it that you honor the bet. You don't want to look like a coward, do you?"

He had Yuma and he knew it. The impure vampire growled menacingly under his breath, but snatched Teddy away from Ayato and flipped him off. "I hate you," he spat before storming outside toward the limo.

It was official: he was taking Kanato's teddy bear out to dinner.

XXx

The second the limo pulled away from the mansion, Ayato went up to Yui's room. "Yo, Chichinashi," he called, barging into the mortal's room without bothering to knock. She was lying across her bed, textbooks spread out across the comforter. She must've displeased Reiji somehow (didn't take much) and he ordered her to spend the night poring over her schoolwork. Upon Ayato's arrival, her head snapped up. "You eat yet?" asked Ayato before she could start that nervous stuttering.

"N-no—"

"Good. Grab your jacket and be downstairs in five minutes. I'm taking you out for dinner." Without waiting to witness her dumbfounded reaction, he exited the room.

 _A few minutes later…._

Yui met Ayato in the foyer, where he draped across a couch with a somewhat impatient look on his face. "Geez, took you long enough," he scoffed, rising. "C'mon, let's go before we lose our table."

Though this was happening faster than Yui could process, she had the sense to start after him. "What's the occasion?" she asked, the edges of her tone tipped with unease as she shrugged on her jacket. Since when did anyone— _especially_ Ayato—treat her out to anything? It was slightly suspicious.

"Yeah, I'd like to know that too," piped up a voice.

Yui froze at Kou's voice. "Kou-kun…"

The idol casually strolled in, hands stuffed in his pockets. "I don't suppose it's a coincidence you're heading out only a few minutes after Yuma took off, huh Ayato?"

Yui's face was a mask of confusion as she looked between the vampires. "Huh?" What did Yuma have to with anything? Yui didn't even know he'd gone out…

Ayato smirked. "Figures he wouldn't tell you. Turns out he's the self-conscious type after all."

Kou's eye narrowed ever so slightly. "Are you saying Yuma's hiding something? What the hell is going on?"

Ayato chuckled. "You'll have to see it to believe it. Wanna come with us?" While the genuine gesture was unusual for him, why not bring someone else along to watch the mayhem unfold? Besides, the fact that his brother would be there would only make Yuma's reaction ten times sweeter…

XxX

Yuma was seething.

He sat in the limo, livid, glaring at Teddy, who he'd thrown on the seat across from him. Kanato would flip his shit if he'd witnessed Yuma's total lack of regard for his precious toy, but it wouldn't compare to the rage he'd have if he knew of Ayato's treachery.

Ayato, that piece of shit.

He thought this was _so_ funny, making Yuma demean himself in such a way. Once all of this was over, Yuma was going to get him back. He still couldn't believe he was even doing this in the first place. This would be a day he'd never reflect on for the sake of his pride.

The ride into town was unmercifully short. The familiar dropped him off on the corner, leaving him to walk the rest of the stretch to the restaurant. With Teddy tucked under his arm, the vampire stormed down the sidewalk, struggling to leash his maturing temper. This was ridiculous— _he_ felt ridiculous. Ayato was _never_ going to let him live this down.

For a moment, Yuma entertained the thought of bailing. He didn't have to go through with this; just wander around town and kill time until he could go home. The thought was tempting, but he had a feeling Ayato would call his ruse. Besides, that would be a very Sakamaki-ish thing to do. No, Yuma would just have to suck it up and deal with his punishment.

Five minutes later, he found himself passing through the glass doors of the establishment Ayato had directed him to. He hated the place the second he stepped foot it in. The atmosphere was punctuated by hushed conversation and the sound of expensive utensils clinking against equally expensive plates. There was a haughty air to the place, the stench a product of the high class occupying the dining room.

Yuma growled under his breath. Of course Ayato would send him to a snobbish place like this. The redhead was well aware of his disdain for the rich and had thus sent him to an establishment chock full of them, all for the sake of his cruel amusement. Yuma would never forgive him for this.

Keeping his anger in check, Yuma stalked inside and muttered his name to the maître d'. Sure enough, his name was on the list and he was guided through the dining room to his table-for-two. He swore silently when he realized it was centermost; he'd been hoping for a table in the far back but that unfortunately wasn't the case thanks to his shitty luck. So not only was he in the midst of noble scum, but he was in the prime position for them to judge him indefinitely. _Perfect._

As he was shown to his seat, something occurred to Yuma: he needed a place to sit Teddy. A chair would be too low, and Yuma definitely wasn't keeping it on his lap. There was only one solution.

"Can I have a high chair?" he grumbled to the maître d', who didn't seem fazed by his obvious attitude. Nor had she given Teddy a second glance; probably assumed it was for whoever Yuma was meeting. Now, she most likely inferred this person had a baby, a logical assumption given the teddy bear. Though sadly mistaken, the maître d' was happy to oblige and brought over an elevated seat, placing it across from where Yuma was going to sit.

Once she left, the impure secured the stuffed bear in the high chair. As he sat down, he caught some of the aristocrat filth sitting at the surrounding tables giving him funny looks. Yuma's temper flared. Ayato was going to fucking _pay_ for making him embarrass himself like this.

Speaking of Ayato, Yuma's nose got a whiff of a familiar smell and he happened to peer over his menu to see the bastard casually following the maître d' through the dining room with Kou and Yui not far behind. Kou's and Yui's eyes found Yuma immediately and bulged at the sight of him and his "date." While Yui looked confused, Kou's eyes were glittering with amusement. Ayato, on the other hand, didn't so much as glance at Yuma, the corners of his mouth tugged up into a subtly smug smile as the trio disappeared out of Yuma's periphery.

Yuma almost smashed in the table then and there.

That _bastard._

It was bad enough he'd come to witness Yuma's humiliation, but to bring an audience too?

At his side, his fist balled and unballed with raw anger he needed to take out on something physical. Preferably Ayato's face.

Speaking of Ayato, Yuma was all too aware of his, Kou's, and Yui's gaze on his backside as they were seated at a table toward the back of the dining room. Yuma didn't give the first two the satisfaction of whirling around and giving them a death glare, though he wanted to do way worse.

Struggling to rein in his temper, he focused on the menu to distract himself. _Calm down, Yuma_ , he chided himself, _ignore them. Just focus on getting this over with and keeping this place intact._ Because god forbid he blew a fuse. He'd keep his anger in check only so he wouldn't have to go home to a scolding from Ruki. He didn't give a shit about the lives of the high-class trash around him. The world was better off without them anyway.

"Uh, are you ready to be served, sir?"asked a voice, jerking Yuma out of his violent thoughts. A waiter, all posh and groomed, was hovering over the table, just barely masking his skepticism. He was trying his absolute hardest not to acknowledge Teddy. "Can I start you off with any appetizers?"

Yuma's face flamed, but he managed to keep his voice even. "Uh, no thanks." Fuck that; he was jumping straight to the main course so he could get this over with. "I'll have…"He quickly glanced down at his menu, searching for meat—any kind of meat. "Two steaks. Rare." To appease his sudden, raging appetite for bloody flesh. He'd order it raw if he could."Along with the sautéed carrots and zucchini."

The waiter jotted that down, humming an okay. "And for the…lady?" he dared to ask with a straight-face, stealing a glance at Teddy.

Yuma could've sworn he heard suppressed snickering in the background.

God help him.

With a wounded pride, Yuma fought the urge to punch the guy in the face as he sputtered, "Uh…orecchiette with chicken meatballs,", calling out the first thing he saw.

"And to drink?"

"Red wine."He needed it.

Thankfully, the waiter didn't make any further comment as he glided away with menus. Yuma breathed out in relief the second he disappeared off to the back. That was uncomfortably difficult. While Yuma didn't normally have issues communicating with people, it was hard to address anyone, even a mortal, when he was sitting directly across from a damn teddy bear in a dress and wig. He'd never felt more embarrassed in his life. He couldn't wait until this accursed night was over. But what was he supposed to do until then?

All around him, the other dining guests were engaged in hushed conversation, pretending like they weren't watching him. Had he been out with a _real_ girl, they would've sprung into a light discussion as well to pass the time but alas, he was in the company of a (mostly) inanimate object.

Yuma drummed his fingers on the tabletop, trying hard to look at anything but Teddy to avoid further damaging his ego. He pretended to notice the ceiling, look interested in the painting on the far wall, while at the same time avoiding the criticizing stares.

God, this was awkward. And the fact a few of his roommates were watching him like hawks made it even more painful.

When he finally got tired of staring at his surroundings, he shifted in his chair, pretending to get comfortable. He played with his napkin. Straightened his fork. He was considering escaping to the bathroom when his cell phone vibrated in his pocket. Yuma whipped it out quicker than you could say his name, thankful for the reprieve. However, his relief only curdled to exasperation when he beheld the caller ID.

Kou.

xXX

"What the hell are you doing here and what do you want?" Yuma hissed on the other end of the line.

Kou had mastered his laughter enough to get out, "Hello to you too. So how are you enjoying your date so far?"

He could practically see the anger radiating off his brother from across the room. Apparently, Yui, who was seated beside Ayato, could also feel his hostility because she fidgeted nervously. Yuma laughed dryly. "Very funny, jackass. Listen, you tell that son-of-a-bitch Ayato when this is over I'm going to have his _head_."

On the opposite end of the booth, Ayato just rolled his eyes. Although Kou's mobile wasn't on speaker, the redhead could hear just as clearly thanks to heightened hearing. "It's his fault," he insisted, "he's the fool for accepting the bet."

"I'm sure he's looking forward to it," said Kou to Yuma amiably. "But anyway, what are you doing over there? You're on a _date_. Don't just sit there and stare at her like a weirdo; be social, make her feel comfortable." He choked on the word _her,_ struggling to hold in a laugh, and Yuma didn't fail to notice.

Kou could hear his brother practicing the breathing exercise Ruki had instructed him to do whenever his temper threatened to get out of hand. He was _pissed._ Kou knew he'd probably pay for his involvement later, but right now he didn't give a shit. This was quality entertainment.

"I'm not talking to the stuffed animal, Kou," growled Yuma.

Kou clicked his tongue. "Then it's not a real date. Without communication, you're basically wasting your time."

"I'm wasting my time regardless," snapped Yuma, voice slightly rising. A few heads briefly turned in his direction. "You only want to watch me humiliate myself," he said, lower.

"Maybe, maybe not. But either way, you can't just ignore Teddy. Show some respect."

"Respect my ass. It's a damn _toy—_ "

Kou hung up.

XXx

Yuma almost crushed his phone when the line went dead. He was going to kick Kou's ass for this.

Mumbling, he put away his phone and in the process accidentally locked eyes with Teddy's beady soulless one. Its wig was lopsided, making it look even more ridiculous. Ugh, this was so degrading. Yuma couldn't believe he was actually doing this. Couldn't believe those assholes actually wanted him to further stain his dignity like that. What the hell was he even supposed to say to a stuffed bear?

"Would you have preferred I ordered you salmon instead?" Yuma found himself voicing the smart-ass comment that'd sprung into his head aloud. He debated grabbing the fork and stabbing himself with it the second those words passed through his lips. What the fuck was he doing? _Damn retard,_ he inwardly seethed. Apparently, the guests around him thought so too; having heard his little comment (Yuma was beginning to think the nosy pricks were intently listening in), a few of them stole odd glances at him as if he were a lunatic. Geez, now Yuma was starting to realize why Reiji refused to go anywhere with Kanato in public.

Ugh, why the hell was their— _his_ food taking so long? Yuma wanted nothing more than to get this meal over with and get the hell out of here before he suffered any more blows to his pride. Or worse, before Ayato and Kou tried to make things worse for him.

As if on cue, Yuma's voice started vibrating again. He gritted his teeth. What the hell did they want now?

"Dude, where are your manners?" said Kou the second Yuma lifted the phone to his ear. "You _do_ want the two of you to hit it off, don't you? Get her to warm up to you. Compliment her eyes or her dress; make her feel pretty. Girls love flatter, especially when it's from a guy they're interested in."

Yuma hung up.

XxX

"Aw, man. He hung up on me." Kou pouted playfully, setting his phone down on the table. "Oh well." He went back to munching on the complementary bread while they waited on their food to arrive.

"I don't understand," blurted Yui suddenly. A couple at a neighboring table flashed her scolding looks, making her shrink in her chair a little.

"Shh. M Neko-chan, you gotta keep your voice down." Kou held a finger to his lips, which were coaxing into a smile. "Not everyone's a cat person. Anyway, what don't you understand?"

Yui frowned, looking at Yuma's backside pointedly. "Why are you doing this to him?"

"Because it's funny," was Ayato's matter-of-fact reply, as if the answer was obvious.

"Yeah. Plus he kind of deserves it," added Kou, who was putting a serious dent in the bread basket. "He's been a dick all week."

"But he's your brother," argued Yui. She glanced at Ayato. "And how could you just steal Teddy from Kanato like that?"

"Yeah, dude. How _did_ you do that?" wondered Kou, "Kanato acts like he can't live without that thing. How'd you manage to take it from him without him coming after you?"

Ayato just shrugged nonchalantly. "Easy. I crushed up some of the sleeping aids I found in Reiji's room and slipped them into his coffee. I grabbed his stuffed animal after he finally fell asleep."

Yui's jaw dropped, horrified by the guiltless admission. Even Kou raised an eyebrow. Yui literally could not believe her ears. "H-how could you?" she stammered.

"What?" Ayato had the audacity to sound innocent. "If anything, I did him a favor. You see those bags under his eyes; he needed the sleep anyway."

Yui was dumfounded. "You drugged your brother just so you could steal his most prized possession?" Her voice went high-pitched at the last bit, voice cracking harshly. She received more sharp glares, making her stammer out an apology

"I did way more than that, sweetheart," smirked Ayato, extracting a small device from his pocket. It looked like a mini speaker. Holding it up to his mouth, he muttered, "You're up Subaru."

xXX

Kanato knew something was wrong the second he woke up (that was the thing! Since when did _he_ get sleep?)

He didn't know where he was for a second. He peeled his eyelids open, head thick with sleep. Ugh, what happened? How long was he out?

He slowly sat up, shadows dancing in his head. As his vision quickly unblurred, he recognized the contents of the mansion's westside parlor. He was lying on one of the couches, which he faintly remembered sprawling across when his eyes grew unbearable heavy. He looked to the right, at the coffee table, where an array of (Reiji's) china boasted a wide variety of grown-cold pastries.

Oh yeah. He'd been in the middle of a tea party with Teddy when he suddenly became unnaturally drowsy. He subconsciously reached for his life companion and his whole body stiffened when his fingers didn't graze Teddy's fabric. "Teddy?" he said, looking around frantically. "Teddy?!" He didn't see him anywhere.

Kanato started screaming.

XxX

At last, Yuma's food was delivered to him and he pretended not to notice the odd looks from the servers when they put the plate of pasta in front of Teddy. The second they disappeared, Yuma tore into his steak.

The blood and juices of the barely cooked flesh placated him just a bit, but it'd take a lot more to soothe his temper. Some of the other dining guests glared at him as he devoured and tore into the meat, but Yuma couldn't care less. The sooner he finished eating, the sooner he could grab Teddy and go home. He was sampling the vegetables when someone said:

"Pass the salt please."

Yuma froze, fork halfway to his mouth.

He slowly looked up. Around. Though he'd heard the voice plain-as-day, there was no one around. Hmm. Weird. His sensitive ears must've picked up a snippet of someone's conversation nearby. He went back to eating his food and not two minutes later, there was the voice again.

"Pass the salt please."

Yuma's head snapped up. Who the—

His eyes were immediately drawn to Teddy. No, it couldn't have been—

"Pass the salt please." The scratchy (feminine?) voice came from Teddy's direction.

For a moment, Yuma was speechless. No, that was impossible. He was just imaging things.

"Pass the salt please," echoed Teddy while Yuma's eyes were on it.

He almost choked on his wine.

What in _hell_? Was this some kind of joke?

For the first time tonight, Yuma allowed a look over his shoulder at Kou, Ayato, and Yui. For once, none of them were paying attention to him, which was oddly suspicious in itself.

Rigid as iron, he turned back to Teddy, still partly in disbelief.

Teddy stared right back, motionless and expressionless. Without moving its stitched mouth, it nearly screamed, "I _said_ pass the salt, asshole."

People turned and stared.

XXx

"I _said_ pass the salt, asshole," Subaru nearly yelled into the microphone in the best feminine voice he could muster (which was pretty damn horrible. Like a mix between Yui and a congested whale. But he didn't care; this was the best he was doing).

It was early Saturday night and he was sheltered in his room back at the Sakamaki-Mukami mansion, (finally) fulfilling his part. While he usually didn't participate in Ayato's shenanigans, he couldn't resist the opportunity to fuck with Yuma when Ayato presented it earlier. Besides, the redhead had promised to leave him be for a whole week if he did this, and that was a deal only a fool would pass up. He'd been waiting on his cue for nearly an hour now and now that his time had come at last, he was ready to have a little fun even if this whole situation was bullshit.

When he didn't hear Yuma say anything, he said through the small chip Ayato had somehow obtained and planted in Teddy, "What's wrong? Don't understand Japanese? Or maybe you don't know what salt looks like. I'll give you a hint—"

"Shut up," hissed Yuma's barely audible voice over the speaker. "Look, I don't know what the _hell_ is going on but—"

Don't cut me off, you big-handed behemoth," snapped Subaru through Teddy. "I can say what the hell I want. And I'll begin by talking about how shitty this date has been. You have to be the rudest, stupidest, most _unattractive_ —"

xXX

"—bastard I've ever went out with. Even Kanato treats me better than you," ranted Teddy, growing louder much to Yuma's bewilderment and annoyance.

A woman who happened to be passing through the dining room overheard the last bit and her eyes bulged to the size of small saucers, darting between Yuma and Teddy in confusion and horror. When she rejoined her partner, she nudged him and pointed in their direction.

Yuma's face flamed, anger heating his insides. He probably looked like a fucking madman—

Teddy started to say more but Yuma didn't listen. Instead, he pushed back from the table abruptly, the sound of the chair legs scraping against the floor harsh, and grabbed Teddy by the face before marching over to the restrooms.

XxX

"He's going in the bathroom," whispered Ayato in his communication device, slapping his Kou's away from the last of the gourmet takoyaki as Yuma headed toward the restrooms. "I repeat: he's going to the bathroom."

"I heard you the first time, dumbass," spat Subaru on the other end.

xXX

Yuma burst into the gilded, empty men's room, ignoring the perplexed-looking bathroom attendant as he stormed into the first stall he saw, Teddy babbling away under his arm.

XXx

Subaru waited until he heard the heard the stall's lock click into place to resume his role as Teddy. "Whoa whoa whoa. Moving a bit fast, aren't we?" he said in his shit-awful "womanly" voice. It sounded like a cross between Yui and a congested whale, but Subaru didn't give a shit. This was the best he was doing. "You might have the size, breath, and attitude of a bear, but you're not my type."

He was answered by the sound of fabric ripping.

xXX

"What are you doing?" yelped the stuffed bear as Yuma began ripping its dress.

"Shut up, or I'll tear you apart with my fangs," growled Yuma. He was searching for the source of the voice. In the whole time he'd been living with the Sakamakis, he'd never once heard this thing utter a word, so for it to start speaking all of a sudden was extremely suspicious. He'd seen talking toys in the demon world, but doubted Teddy was one of them. This had to be Ayato's doing. He must've chipped it with a microphone or something.

" _Stop!"_ bellowed Teddy as the tear deepened. "Someone help me, he's trying to _rape_ me! _Aaaaaaaah!"_

XXx

" _Aaaaaaaah!"_

Shuu, who'd been en route to his room, froze in the middle of the hall when a high-pitched shriek came from Subaru's room.

" _Aaaaaaaah!"_ There it was again before Shuu even had the chance to doubt himself.

Was that… _Subaru?_

The eldest Sakamaki stared at the door for a second. What the hell was Subaru doing in there? He started to reach for the doorknob, but stopped himself.

He didn't want to know.

Without a word, he went on his way, not bothering to take a guest at what nonsense was afoot.

xXX

Subaru was about to scream into the microphone again, but was responded with a static-y stutter instead.

What happened?

He shouted something obscene into it, but Yuma didn't reply. Shit, he must've found and destroyed the microphone Ayato taped to the inside of Teddy's dress. The white-haired vampire made to contact his brother through the other speaker, but was interrupted when his door flung open so hard, it banged against the wall.

All he saw was a blur of purple as Kanato pounced on him.

XxX

Yuma emerged from the restroom, clutching a silenced Teddy.

Well, that was taken care of.

Ignoring the stares and glaring death at Ayato and Kou, he returned to his table, put Teddy back in his high chair, and went back to his meal. He wanted nothing more to get the hell out of here, but he didn't believe in wasting food. Thus, he wolfed down the rest of his steak and vegetables and even started on Teddy's pasta. He was halfway through it when he detected two human scents approaching from behind.

 _What now?_

xXX

"Oh shit, here comes management," cackled Ayato when two staff members emerged a side door across the room, scanning the scene intently until they landed on Yuma. Though they paled at his size, they started in his direction anyway.

Kou put down the dessert menu, frowning. "Uh-oh. This isn't going to end well."

XxX

"Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave."

Yuma knew it would come to that eventually. This, defiance splashed into him and he slowly turned around in his seat to face the waiters. "What did you say?" he said with deadly calm.

The second one gulped. "We've been getting a lot of complains from the other guests so we're going to have to escort you off the premises."

So the rick folk wanted him gone, huh? "Nah, I'm good where I am," he said, causally going back to the orecchiette. This had the potential to get ugly real quick, but Yuma didn't care anymore. Maybe he'd ordered dessert just to piss them further.

One of the servers opened his mouth to protest, but was interrupted by the hideous shriek that knifed through the space.

" _TEDDY!"_

All heads turned.

Kanato was here, and looked ready to make bodies drop.


	11. A Typical School Day, First Half

_**(Redo). Not original chapter 11.**_

 **A/n: I was looking at a popular poll in which people ranked the most annoying anime characters, and I was surprised to see Yui's name in the top ten. How did _Yui,_ the mediocre protagonist of a just-barely-relevant harem anime, make it on the list alongside Sakura and Chi Chi, characters from legendary shounen manga that have forty times the popularity of Diabolik Lovers? Does the fandom hate her _that_ much?**

* * *

 _6:30pm_

"No, no, no. That looks too childish." Reiji shook his head in disapproval, mouth cutting a hard line at Yui's new hairstyle.

Kou begged to differ. "I think it looks cute," he insisted. "What do you think, M Neko-chan?"

Like every time she got caught in the middle of a Mukami-Sakamaki disagreement, Yui stammered stupidly. "I...um..."

Her opinion on her pigtails didn't matter anyway, because Reiji undid them both. In a one fluid motion, he swept the girl's hair up into an elegant bun. " _This_ is much better," it was his turn to insist, "it makes her look more sophisticated."

Now it was Kou's turn to shake his head. "That's way too formal for school. She's going to class, not a dance. The pigtails look cuter."

Yui fought the urge to sigh. She'd been sitting in front of her vanity for nearly twenty minutes now thanks to Reiji's and Kou's arguing over her hair—her _hair_ of all things. Originally, the ever-fashionable Kou, who often felt the need to experiment with her appearance as if she were a doll, had coaxed Yui's tresses into a messy ponytail and was going to leave it at that, but Reiji suddenly barged into the room and the two had been bickering over Yui's hair ever since. Though they had to leave for school in a few minutes, neither vampire was close to agreeing on which 'do was best thanks to their conflicting tastes. So far, Yui's hair been manipulated into six different styles already.

"Precisely why I find them inappropriate," Reiji was saying, "she attends the academy not to be seen, but to be educated. She needs a style that reflects her status as a young woman. All the ones you prefer are fit for a nine-year-old. She needs to look like a lady, not a child."

Yui offered to wear her hair the way she usually did, but both vampires stubbornly shot down the suggestion.

They quarreled for the next five minutes until a slothful Shuu appeared in the doorway and disinterestedly asked what was going on. When Kou explained the situation, Shuu rolled his eyes. "What does it matter? It's just hair."

Reiji didn't miss the chance to jab at brother. "Of course _you'd_ say something like that," he scoffed distastefully, eyeing his brother's messy blond hair, which stuck out at odd angles as if he'd literally just dragged himself out of bed. That was most likely the case. "When's the last time you brushed yours? Or even washed it for that matter?"

"Hair's important, Shuu. It ties your whole look together," said Kou knowingly. He would know; after all, it was a known fact majority of his morning routine was dedicated to his blond locks. He scrunched Yui's hair up into a top knot. "How about this?"

Reiji looked appalled. "Absolutely not. It looks hideous. Take that down at once." They sprung into another argument.

Shuu released a long, heavy sigh as if he was being burdened in some way. "God. Do I have to do everything around here?"he muttered, walking over. He pushed his brother and Kou aside, taking their spot behind Yui. In two deft movements, he grabbed some of her hair and easily pulled it into a high, neat ponytail and secured it with a floral elastic band, leaving her wavy bangs out to frame her face. A combination of cute and classy, elegant yet effortless. "There," said Shuu with lazy finality before turning to take his leave. "We're leaving in a few minutes. Hurry up or we'll go without you."

Kou inspected Yui's reflection. "You know, it actually doesn't look half bad," he admitted. Yui had to agree.

Reiji, who'd never in a million years compliment anything Shuu-related, just muttered something unpleasant under his breath before walking out the room. "Come. It's time to commute to school," was all he said.

XxX

 _6:50pm_

Reiji was on his way downstairs when he happened to cross paths with Subaru, who was emerging from his room.

Upon assessing his younger brother's appearance, Reiji's disgust rooted him to the spot. "Where are you going?" he demanded, blocking Subaru's path.

"To school, you dumbass. Where else?"snapped a crusty-eyed Subaru, oblivious to the fact he had a case of bedhead even worse than Shuu's. The grumpy vampire proceeded to step around his brother, but Reiji refused to let him leave.

"Not looking like that you're not," said he said firmly, "go fix your hair and wash your face. You look unkempt."

"So? I don't give a damn. Now get the hell out of my way."

"Not until you go make the proper adjustments to your appearance. It's already bad enough I have to tolerate Shuu; I refuse to let you attend school looking like a barbarian. Your academic record is embarrassing enough as it is."

Subaru pinned his brother with a stare, defiance dancing in his eyes. "Then I won't go," he said, his statement sounding more like a challenge.

As if on cue, Kou turned the corner.

Upon beholding the brewing battle between the brothers, he paused in his tracks, his eyes running down the length of his rival as he critiqued his appearance. Subaru's demeanor went from annoyed to defensive when the idol smirked. "Why am I not surprised?" he said, "only Baby Sakamaki would dare to leave the house like that. Seriously dude, when's the last time you looked in the mirror? Do you even own one?"

Subaru gritted his teeth, his hands balling into fists at his sides. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You look horrible," said Kou matter-of-factly, "do you even know how to make yourself look presentable, or are you used to people doing it for you?"

This earned him a flash of teeth. "Shut the fuck up. I can make myself look decent when I want to." And with that, he changed directions and stormed back into his room. They heard him throw the bathroom door open, nearly ripping it off its hinges before it slamming it shut.

Kou flashed Reiji his dazzling, signature smile. "You're welcome."

XXx

 _7:05pm_

"Not so fast."

Reiji materialized in front of the front doors, thwarting his brother's plans to make a speedy getaway. Fools; it would take a lot more to slip through _his_ fingers. Eyes narrowing, the second Sakamaki son recited their most dreaded line: "Let me see your homework."

This earned him a collective groan from the triplets and a crude comment from Subaru. Nonetheless, they all reached into their schoolbags reluctantly.

"Do we have to do this _every_ time?" complained an irritated Kanato, using his free hand (the one that wasn't clutching Teddy) to fish out his menacing crinkled papers. "We're not kids, Reiji."

"Yeah. Chichinashi doesn't have to show _her_ homework," said Ayato bitterly. Speaking of Yui, she was waiting outside in the limo with Shuu. The Mukamis had left for school just a few minutes prior (while they were technically a merged household now, both parties preferred not to be seen communing together for the sake of their reputations).

"Because unlike all of you, I can trust her to see to her responsibilities. As far as I'm concerned, you four might as well be children." They certainly had the brains of one if their (pitiful) progress reports held any weight. "Now, let me see your homework or I'll lock you up in your rooms again. And revoke your privileges." He held out his hand expectantly.

His brothers groaned but had the sense of cooperate, each one shoving his homework at their older brother. Bracing himself, Reiji accepted them and looked over their work.

Though he shouldn't have expected anything more at this point, he couldn't help but frown at their math worksheets. "As usual, you've all done a poor job," he announced, "Kanato, seventy-nine percent of your solutions are incorrect and Ayato, seventy-nine percent of yours are incomplete. And the ones you did bother giving are all wrong—"

"Kiss my ass," spat Ayato. "They're lucky to have gotten that much outta Ore-sama."

Reiji ignored him. "Laito's the only one who showed his work—"

"Told you I'm the smartest out of the three of us~"

"—but he used the wrong proofs and reasonings."

Ayato snorted."Or not."Laito pretended to be disappointed.

"And as for Subaru…"Good gracious.

"Piss off, Reiji," the youngest Sakamaki growled.

The second son mirrored his menacing look. "Surely you didn't hope to turn in this foolishness." Because Subaru had done the absolute worst on his algebra worksheet; he hadn't applied himself in the slightest. At least Ayato had taken it upon himself to answer a _few_ problems sincerely. Subaru, on the other hand, had given the same answer to every question: _one_. Even for the problem sets that had multiple solutions; "1 and 1" was what Subaru had sloppily jotted down. Though it was sad to admit, this was the best Reiji's younger brother would ever do on his homework. To be honest, it was a miracle he hadn't ripped it to shreds—something Reiji was half-attempted to do right now.

He fought his growing headache as he reviewed his brothers' homework in their other subjects. They all had to read an excerpt from a novel and write a short essay about it for their literature classes and from what Reiji could tell, none of them had actually read the material. All the triplets had produced short, nonsensical responses and Subaru had only written one line: _Fuck you and this story_. They hadn't done any better in history. Ayato hadn't even _attempted_ any of the questions—which was extremely pathetic considering they were all multiple choice—and it looked like Laito and Kanato had just jotted down a random letter for every one. And Subaru, who must've been in a somewhat productive mood at the time, had loyally scribbled "C" for everything.

Suddenly, Reiji felt a pinch of sympathy for their teachers. The triplets were academically stupid, and Subaru had obviously done such a shameful job only to spite his professors.

Reiji shuffled through the remaining pages, growing more and more disgusted. This was utterly pitiful. At this rate, _all_ of his brothers would be repeating a year. "This is disgraceful," he hissed, "you are all immortal. It won't kill you to sit down and actually put some time and effort into your coursework."

"No. Fuck school," mumbled Subaru. "I hate it."

"Yeah. It's just a waste of time," agreed Ayato with an eye roll.

"I don't care. _This_ —" Reiji held up the papers for emphasis, "is unacceptable. You all look like ignorant swines on paper. Redo it. Redo it all in the car." Subaru and Ayato opened their mouths to protest, but Reiji cut them off. "I don't want to hear it. Now go take your sorry behinds to the limo, or we'll be late."

xXX

 **First Period**

 _8:21pm_

Subaru was _this close_ to becoming a high school dropout.

Though he hadn't been sitting in class for half an hour yet, he was already grappling with the urge to jump to his feet, flip his desk over, flash an obscene gesture at his instructor, curse this academy's name, and never step foot in it again (and possibly burn it down).

Seated all the way in the back of the class among his classmates who reeked of mortal stench, Subaru's eyes burned a hole into his teacher's backside as she babbled on and on about polynomials or some shit. Out of all his teachers, Subaru nearly hated her annoying ass the most. He hated _—hated_ how she always regarded him with a look of disappointment and sympathy him and always tried to scold him whenever he felt like coming to class. And if that wasn't bad enough, she often made him stay after class to discuss his "concerning" record or lecture him about doing his homework.

 _Fuck_ her. No, fuck this whole _school._

School was a complete waste of Subaru's valuable time, and he loathed Reiji and their old man for forcing him to attend. Out of the very long list of things Subaru despised, this academy was at the very top right under Kou's name. He had a special place in his hateful heart just for this hellhole. If things would've gone his way, this place would've been reduced to ruins and ashes a long time ago. He hated school _that_ much. _Why_ , you might ask? Subaru had legitimate reasons.

For starters, that bastard father of his enrolled him against his will, so that automatically ranked it high-up on his hate list. Secondly, the people here were full-pledged _assholes. All_ of his teachers gave him problems—especially that one in world history who smelt like cheap cologne, cigars, and asscrack—and a few even went out of their way just to fuck with him. (This one time, the world-history bastard read Subaru's half-assed essay aloud to the class and criticized all his errors just to make him look like a dumbass and embarrass him in front of his peers. Subaru responded by marching out to the parking lot straight after class and bashing in the old man's sedan's windows. Naturally, that resulted in a lawsuit, a suspension, and a vicious vendetta). And then on top of that, everyone talked shit about him behind his back (no thanks to Laito and Kou) and treated him like some kind of delinquent.

Sure, he might've broken a few windows, damaged school property more times than he could count, gotten into a few disputes, made a religion of skipping class, and thrown a scalding-hot cup of coffee at Kou (almost got his ass too)—who was basically the school's god and _another_ reason Subaru hated it—but he stayed out of people's way for the most part. He didn't beat anyone's ass like he wanted to or threaten to kill his WH teacher like he envisioned so many times. For the most part, he was a decent-ish student. It wasn't his fault everyone here was so damn annoying or the fact his uniform was—

Oh yeah, his uniform. That was _another_ thing about him people had an issue with. Everyone assumed he'd torn it himself to emphasize some kind of rebellious point, but no, the _school_ sent it to him like that. Reiji tried ordering a new one several times but for some stubborn, meaningless reason Subaru had never bothered to learn, the staff never shipped him a better one (he suspected that was their way of taking their dislike for his ill-reputed brothers out on him). Thus, he was stuck with the shitty one, the one he wore until this day.

Subaru glanced up at the clock.

Only 8:25.

Subaru was close to ripping his hair out. How could mortals endure this hell? He was losing patience, and fast. He couldn't— _refused_ do this for the rest of the night. To hell with all his other classes; the second math was over, he was going to find himself a nice, quiet corner and hang out there until it was time to leave.

He looked at the clock again.

8:26.

You know what? Fuck this….

XxX

 _8:30pm_

Apart from blood and music, there was one thing Shuu treasured above all: silence.

He sat in one of the stairwells in the back of the main building, listening to one of his favorite instrumentals as he relished in the peace while it lasted. Soon, the mortals would flood out of their classrooms with their distasteful racket and force him to take refuge in the abandoned music room, where he'd take a nap until next period and quiet befell the halls again. It was a cycle.

Shuu couldn't remember the last time he actually went to class. He found school to be a complete waste of energy; why study when he could sleep? The only reason he attended was because it was the only place his brothers didn't bother him. They all did their own thing here. While Reiji kept to himself and avoided interacting with Shuu in public, Kanato snuck off to the rooftop to munch on his sweets, Laito busied himself with endless flirting, Ayato and Subaru did something stupid to earn themselves detention, and Shuu shut himself up in the music room.

A harsh sound—the sound of a door slamming—caught Shuu's attention and he glanced up to see Subaru storming down the hall. His eyes didn't even flicker to Shuu as he marched past him, fists clenched with pent-up anger. It was only a matter of time before he took it out on something.

Oh boy. Subaru had called it quits earlier than normal, meaning he was in an extremely foul mood. And whenever Subaru was that pissed, disaster _always_ ensued.

Shuu decided now was a good time to take his ass to the music room.

It was abandoned, as always. None of his peers were stupid enough to violate his safe haven—not even the teachers. Eyes already growing heavy, he shrugged off his blazer, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it onto the floor between the dusty piano and the cello. Yawning, he got down on the floor and lay down, resting his head on his makeshift pillow.

Ah. Home sweet home.

XXx

 **Second Period**

 _9:15pm_

Kanato was in trouble and he knew it.

The results of last week's exam had come back and it turned out he'd gotten a big, fat fifty-five. Needless to say, Reiji would _not_ be pleased. Kanato already knew what his punishment would be: a week—or, god forbid, a whole _month_ —without sweets. Kanato could already see his older brother raiding his room, combing every inch until he found all of his sweets—even his hidden stash—and threw them away. No single piece of candy would be safe.

Just the thought of his horrible fate made Kanato depressed. He needed some sugar to calm his nerves.

That was why he'd cut class and was now wending his way through the vacant halls with the intention of satisfying his taste buds. He didn't have a hall pass, but no one would write him up for it. All those worms were too scared to approach him.

His spirits were lifted just a little when he arrived at the vending machines. It just did something to him to see all of those delicious, sugary treats aglow on the other side of the glass. They were there for the taking— _his_ taking.

In fact, Kanato found himself getting excited as he pressed his face against the glass, marveling at the assortment of sweets. There was so much to choose from; cookies, chocolate bars, toffee, licorice, candies. Kanato wanted them all!

He wasted no time in digging some coins out of his pocket (what luck that he had one full of money today!) With a watering mouth, he slipped them inside the slot and selected the item he wanted the most: the white-chocolate cheesecake bar. Holding Teddy close, he watched, almost trance-like, as the machine's metal spirals pushed his candy toward the edge, readying to drop it into the bin—

It stopped suddenly, right there on the edge of the belt.

Kanato went deadly still.

Believing (more like hoping) the machine had lagged, he held his breath and stood there, waiting to see if the his treat would do the smart thing fall into the tray.

It didn't.

Frustration, raw and hot, flared within Kanato. The vending machine had chosen the absolute worst time to malfunction.

Gritting his teeth, he gave the thing a solid kick, expecting his strength to dislodge his candy bar. Unfortunately, it didn't budge.

Kanato was half-tempted to simply punch through the glass, reach into the machine, and retrieve what was rightfully his but he knew better than to damage school property again. Reiji would _really_ have his head then. Between him and his brothers, they'd already paid enough fines to update the teacher's lounge _and_ the gym.

Clamping down on his anger, Kanato did the sensible thing and decided to buy the candy bar behind the one he'd just bought. He watched, narrow-eyed and anxious, as the coils pushed the second bar toward the first one. Just a little bit further—

The metal coils stopped rotating abruptly right when the second bar was about to nudge the first one into the bin.

Kanato screamed, enraged. No no no no—

Losing his temper, he started pounding on the glass like a madman, demanding it spit out what he paid for. Despite his efforts, neither of them would move. They were stuck. "You stupid piece of crap!" he yelled at it, "you stupid, _stupid_ —"

"What's the hell's going on here?" Subaru's scent told Kanato he'd arrived before his voice did. Figures he wasn't in class.

Breathing heavily, a possibly deranged Kanato backed away from the vending machine, staring at it with hateful, tearing eyes as his younger brother stormed over. "It took—I can't—my precious candy—" He could barely form words but luckily, Subaru understood.

"Dumbass. You know you have to money in it, right?"

If Kanato wasn't so heated he'd be insulted. "Of course I know that, you worm! My candy got stuck!"

"For god's sake…." grumbled Subaru, "do I have to do _everything_?" Without warning, he took a few steps back and rammed his foot into the vending machine. The force of his immortal strength was enough to make the vending machine tip back before settling upright once more, the impact causing multiple items to fall down.

Kanato nearly cried out in relief.

Skipping over the fallen bags of chips, granola bars, and other stuff he didn't care about, he extracted the white-chocolate cheesecake bar from the bin. He could smell its sweet aroma through the packaging. Oh yeah, this was gonna be divine—

Subaru snatched it.

"For my troubles," he said shortly before walking off.

xXX

 **Third Period**

 _10:21pm_

Reiji was a pain in Yuma's ass even at school.

The two shared second-period calculus (believe it or not, Yuma was actually intelligent) and like every day, Yuma found himself bored to tears in the front row as smartass, showoff Reiji solved a complicated problem on the blackboard. Having already gone through a whole stick of chalk, he'd nearly taken up the whole damn board with his work and showed no signs of finishing up. He'd been talking for almost five minutes straight now and Yuma was tempted to bring his fist down on his desk and yell _shut the_ _ **hell**_ already, but there was no stopping the second Sakamaki son when he was like this. He basically took over the classroom and not even the actual teacher could get a word in until Reiji felt like he'd done enough (which was usually almost ten minutes later), making Yuma wonder why the dumbass still called on him.

Reiji continued to furiously expand an equation on the board, deep in an unrelenting explanation. "Which results to x to the second power plus—"

"You mean _two_ x to the secondpower," Yuma found himself speaking out.

Reiji paused, the piece of chalk freezing in midair.

A few of the students in back drew in their breath sharply. Not only had Yuma disrupted the regular flow of class, but he'd also broken its biggest, unspoken rule: never challenge Reiji.

Being the blatant know-it-all he was, everyone knew Reiji regarded himself as one of the smartest students in their year, if not the smartest. He was constantly putting his arsenal of knowledge on display and had a knack of making most of his peers—and a few teachers—look stupid, intellectually inferior to him (Yuma suspected he got a kick out of it). In other words, when it came to academics, he was a smugger, four-eyed version of Ayato. In his mind, no one's intelligence or expertise held a candle to his own. He believed he was wiser than everyone and incapable of mistakes, so to suggest he'd made one in his calculations was some kind of offense. Typical Sakamaki.

Yuma didn't care; Reiji made an error and he wasn't afraid to call him out on it. He knew damn well the second Sakamaki son would've shown him the same treatment had their roles been reversed.

Reiji tensed ever so slightly and slowly turned around, face a mask of scary calm. "Pardon?" he said with deadly politeness. He wasn't used to being opposed.

He didn't intimidate Yuma. As all eyes landed on him, the third Mukami made a show of leaning back in his chair, ever the lazy student. The lazy student everyone thought was failing, but actually had an A. Now was his chance to show he wasn't all brawn. "You mean two x to the second power," he said casually, "you forgot to carry it into your new equation."

Reiji was glaring murder at him now. "No, I'm positive I—"The rest of the sentence died in his mouth when he reviewed the last bit of his answer. There was no denying the slip-up _he'd_ written. "Oh. It would seem that part got left out. I apologize."Of course he wouldn't admit to his miscalculation. He went back to correct his mistake without addressing it further, but Yuma knew he was seething inside. His ego had taken a huge blow and the one to deliver it had been a Mukami of all people. For him, that was as humiliating as being seen in public with pissed pants.

After he finished up his work, he rigidly made his way back to his desk, making sure to shoot Yuma a scathing glare in the process.

Yuma just grinned.

XxX

 **Fourth Period**

 _11:07_

Azusa was on the edge of his seat in excitement.

He was benched on the sidelines during physical education as the rest of his senior class participated in an intense game of dodgeball. Clad in their gym uniforms, the figures on the indoor court were a blur of black as the mortal kids sprung around, narrowly avoiding the pink rubber balls whizzing about like projectiles.

This was his favorite period of the day, mainly because—

He was nearly salivating as one of Kou's sailed across the court, straight into a girl's shoulder. The sound of the impact was music to Azusa's ears, and he found himself getting jealous. That must've felt good...

His grew more and more restless as the game commenced, desperate for the pleasurable pain of being hit. Given there were four immortals playing (Reiji, Ruki, Yuma, and Kou), majority of the regular students were quickly eliminated. Although they weren't even using a sixth of their natural speed or strength (to avoid drawing attention to themselves and injuring the humans), it was easy to get the upper hand without even breaking a sweat. The game had only been in progress for a little less than ten minutes now and seventy-five percent of both teams had already been benched. That was mostly Yuma's and Kou's doing.

Ruki had yet to throw a single ball and was instead reading—yes, _reading_. Thanks to his vampire perception, he could easily evade incoming objects while at the same time never looking up from his novel. And Reiji, who had a strong dislike for anything that took place in the gymnasium (he had a strong fear of being "contaminated" by the germs in the mortals' (and Yuma's) sweat) wasn't doing much apart from sidestepping the flying balls in revulsion.

At this rate, it wouldn't be long before Azusa and the other half of the class stepped in to engage in the second round, but that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to play _now_ while his brothers were on the court. Even with their holding back, they threw harder than anyone here, meaning only they could give him the satisfaction he desired.

What he _really_ wanted was to take one of Yuma's throws to the face. Being the strongest out of all of them, that would _definitely_ feel good...Speaking of Yuma—

"Yo! What's the matter Four Eyes? Afraid one getting hit by one of these?" he called over to Reiji, holding up a dodgeball. "I didn't know you were such a pussy."

Reiji, who didn't take kindly to profanity, scowled at him. He'd been doing that all period, meaning Yuma must've done something else to displease him. "Hmph. Say what you like but unlike you, I actually have standards. I'm far too intelligent to even consider participating in such pointless, germ-ridden activity. I'm only here for the sake of my attendance record."

A vein bulged in Yuma's forehead. "Is that so?" he said, agitation creeping in the edges of his tone. "Well then…."

Azusa knew what his brother's next move would be before he even made it and he seized the opportunity. Just as Yuma was channeling energy into his throwing arm, Azusa acted instinctively, nearly catapulting off the bench.

"…eat this!" Yuma was shouting at the same time, hurling the ball at Reiji with a vigor only a vampire could possess.

It streaked across the court faster than the mortals could register, but Azusa was faster.

It made it halfway to Reiji before the fourth Mukami son intercepted it, his body appearing in its path.

Azusa didn't see or hear anything; the only thing he could perceive was the red-hot ball of rubber slamming into his stomach, the impact sending currents of delicious pain all down his body.

 _YES—_


End file.
